IMPERFECT Lady

Freedom to be.

Memorial Day is often about those who fought for our freedom, and less about whether we are using the Freedom they fought for.  If we are trying to eliminate freedoms from others, what did they fight for?

It seems that we want freedom for others, as long as those freedoms align with our beliefs.

We want others to be free to be just like us.

 

What if we instead allowed others to be free.

Truly free.

Free to be unlike us.

Free to believe differently.

Free to look differently

Free to be religious or spiritual in ways they find peace, not in your God's Peace.

Free to do what is right in their lives, with their own bodies and to celebrate love in ways they feel most loved.

How broad is your sense of freedom?

Whose freedom are you trying to control in order for your beliefs to be right.

 

I became much less judgmental after losing my religion.

And, the less control I want over others, the more allowing I can be.

 

The more I want to be me with integrity, the more I want to honor others and their paths.

I don't have to agree with everyone.

I don't have to like everyone.

I however, want everyone to be free to be themselves.

Regardless of how it appears to me and the rest of the world.

Many have died for our freedom, so let's allow each of us the freedom to be!

My Art and I

As I look upon the heap of quilts that I created on my couch, I wondered about the actual benefits of doing Art.  Where in the process does is the actual therapy involved? I used to believe, it gave me agency, when I felt I had none.  Now, I am wondering just how it enhances my life.

Is it when your Art is in a Gallery, or in an Art Show?

Both of these events are kinda nerve wracking, for you are displaying what feels like your inner being.

At times when I see the whole pile, it feels like over indulgence or perhaps a manic behavior.

Is my mental being on display in my art and what is it saying?

 

I think about how I feel doing Art and it feels like an escape or perhaps a break from mind chatter. It is a present moment activity.

Would then the pile on the couch indicate the many hours of peace and present moments I have had?

Am I seeing piles of therapy hours in art form?

Therapy hours that now will be making their way to the Art Stroll in Marquette.

Therapy hours that mostly are women being, moving and enjoying life.

Am I still subconsciously creating where I am in my world?

I think I thought, that art was giving to me, but maybe it is a place for me.

A place where I can disappear, to appear.

Appear in a fantasy of colors, shapes and designs; to be a creator or one in control.

 

Life unfolds in ways we have no control over and I must feel a relief of some sort to be in in control while doing art.

Putting colors and contrasting fabrics together, making them be in harmony with each other.  Making strong and empowered women doing what they love, gives me the permission to do the same.

And, I see my art as imperfect.

It wouldn't pass muster with the Quilt Police.

My art in its casual form allows me to be me and not follow what others believe I should or shouldn't be doing.

Living life imperfectly, my art and I!

 

 

My Lady is on the Stroll

Last summer I heard about the downtown Marquette Art Stroll and I loved this idea!

This summer it will take place on Thursday June 27th  4:00 - 7:00 pm and my Art will be part of the Stroll!  Alley Kat's Quilt Shop on Washington Street will be my host!

What a perfect combination - a Quilt shop and Fiber Art.  And, this shop is one of my favorite places for finding fabulous fabrics!

They are asking, if possible, that our art be on display at the venue for the entirety of Art Week - Monday June 24 through Saturday June 29.  It is my intention to get my art on display for this week.

So, if you love to stroll and love art this may be something to add to your summer calendar!

I am excited to be part of this and to have my art shown in a new area!

My lady is on the stroll!

 

 

 

 

Believed, the podcast

On the route today, I listened to the podcast "Believed" on NPR Radio.  

You can listen here https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510326/believed

My take away is that it is so powerful for victims of sexual abuse to be BELIEVED.

It is hard to articulate the way people can not hear you.

Harder still to explain how the disbelief creates a doubt in yourself and how you see the world.

 

This case was pivotal for me, in the strength the women showed each time they felt believed.  How each victim took their power back by standing in the courtroom speaking of their abuse AND were Believed.

 

As you listen to the podcast, you can see how Larry Nassar was able to use their loyalty and trust against the parents.  It is a brilliant yet tragic depiction of how the abuser works as well as how the systems in place failed the girls.

I also can see how the timing had to be right, that the right person had to ask the right questions.

This is a great podcast for all parents to listen to.

You believe, that you can pick a pedophile out of your peer group, but can you?

A very good insight into how abuse literally can go undetected and how the child looks for clues in the adults in their world.

The most important and the first thing an adult should do is Believe.

A child who is believed, will suffer much less than a child who isn't.

 

 

Calendar for 2020

I submitted my artwork "My Lady and I" to the Peter White Library for a Gallery Showing.

I WAS ACCEPTED!  

Seriously excited!!

It says,

"On behalf of Peter White Public Library Arts Committee, Congratulations!

Your artwork has been scheduled for exhibition at the Peter White Public Library in 2020. The Committee focused on presenting a range of artistic skill and media to our community. We are pleased to have your work on display this year."

EXHIBIT TITLE: My Lady and I

EXHIBIT TIMING: April - May 2020

Gallery: Huron Mountain Club Gallery

This is one of the quilts that will be on display!  I love the progression of my art and I love the early works!!

I am thrilled beyond thrilled that they chose what I call my story line quilts: My Lady and I.

These quilts have great meaning to me. 

They truly are my journey in fabric, of art therapy and healing from sexual abuse.

The quilts at the moment are on display at Copper Country Mental Health - so they will be traveling next year!

And, I love that they chose April and May, for those months are for Sexual Assault Awareness and Mental Health Awareness months.

So fitting.

So exciting.

 

I am looking towards my retirement years and can picture me doing classes in fancy places and not so fancy places, on traveling and sharing my story and my art. In order to do this, I have to start being the artist. Perhaps I will see if I can do a class in Marquette during the time they are on display.  

I love that I have something on the Calendar for 2020!

 

 

Allowed in our lives.

There is a wall of inertia surrounding an abused child. Many immobile adults who are standing between the child and their freedom, and yet we as a society are wanting the child to speak up. To tell.  And, to keep telling until someone hears.

We are placing the blame upon the child to end the inertia surrounding the act of criminal sexual assault of a child.

The child is the one who has to keep telling in order to get the adults moving.

To speak louder, to try harder, to be more eloquent, and unless you can be heard, you are the reason that your perpetrator will act again.

 

When will we as a society look at the wall of inertia.

What we are also believing is that the wall of inertia contains adults WHO DON’T KNOW.

I am beginning to believe, it is very rare for a case about sexual abuse upon a child, to be unknown.  Someone knows, someone has been told, but that someone choses to not to believe, or believes, but Choses to not move on it.

In order to eradicate sexual abuse or abuse against children we need to bang on the wall of inertia.  And, make it a crime to know and do nothing.

This wall of inertia appears to be deaf and blind. It appears to not know what is happening. It appears to not care what is happening. It appears that the lives of the children do not matter. It appears insane at best.

I can’t know what will begin to break down this inertia, what will start to make adults see the child over their own needs.  What will it take?

For sadly, in most cases, the perpetrator IS someone the child knows. Someone in the inner circle of the family.  Which is partly to blame for the inertia. What person wants to act like they believe their family member or friend IS a criminal? Who wants to act like that criminal should not be around children, perhaps be arrested and put in jail. Which of your family members do you want to see this happen to. What priest of yours do you want to see behind bars.

WE don’t move, because we love them, trust them and  they are our family or friends.

And we pretend, that if we can have the children speak louder and clearer to someone who will have the courage to put them in jail, we can end abuse.

WE don’t want to look at ourselves. WE don’t want to see how our own boundaries are weak and where we do not hold others accountable for their actions.

WE don’t want to see how our relationships have many places where we did not do the right thing, but the easy thing and overlook and look around poor behavior.

Let us please instead, look at the child behind our wall of inertia.

We don’t want to move or act or speak of abuse, BUT we expect a child to do it for us.

 

It is time for us to stop blaming the child for our inertia.

As adults we have the responsibility for our actions or the lack thereof.

We are the ones who place boundaries, not the children.

It is not up to the children to end abuse.

It is up to the adults in their lives to stop engaging with adults who hurt children.

 

I want to give permission to the children who have suffered sexual abuse to just be.  It isn’t your fault. You are free from blame. We have been looking in the wrong direction for much too long.

 

We instead need to look intensely at the adult surrounding the child.

We rarely look upward to see those surround the child and what they are doing or not doing and more WHY?

Why is there a wall of inertia around a child who has been assaulted?

The child in the middle is merely showing us the truth of what we have allowed in our lives.

Living is About

I misspoke in my last blog, about Mothers who suffer to do right by their children. I do not believe this is true. It isn't suffering as we think of suffering. It feels so different. It feels constructive and empowering - while being hard and tiring.

I believe that women who are unable to find the courage to do right by their children will suffer much more. They may even experience becoming estranged from them, due to their lack of seeing their child's needs.

The un-natural mothering of being so self-absorbed is the cause to much suffering.

What I believe to be true, is that neither is easy, but one will have the outcome of a child who feels connected to their parent.

Part of the dysfunctional family is self-absorption, due to their own childhood trauma.  And, they then in turn mother in a motherless way.  Leaving their child feeling unseen, just as they were unseen.  Hence the cycle of dysfunctional legacy.

Being so self absorbed, that you can't see your own child, is a blindness to other's needs and this itself IS a sign of your own abuse.  Your inability to put aside your own life routine, in order to take care of your child's needs.

I am privilege to know grandmothers who are contributing greatly to the lives of their grandchildren, due to the needs of their own children. They are easing the burden of childcare, in order to make less stress upon their child -while making their own lives MORE stressful.  And, more adventurous and living with the purpose of love of their child and grandchild.

What I see is that the wisdom of their own lives, flowing down to the next two generations.

A grandmother who  steps in with grace.

Life is about exchanges. 

Like I have written about caring for my granddaughter, there are times when the selfish part of me wants its attention.  However, its needs are so empty compared to the rewards I have gotten being a bigger part of my daughter and granddaughters life.

There is a cost on both ends, whether your self absorption doesn't allow you to place the long term wellness of your child ahead of your own. It is my belief, you will lose the real connection of seeing you child and being seen by your child.

I see you and you matter to me, is priceless.

As grandmothers who have raised children, often our siblings and then our own, we are just plum tired of the idea of taking care.  However, what I have found on this third time around, that I can teach and play during out time together.

We are both excited about the hours we spend, either doing art, hiking, snowshoeing, hiking and now biking. What a gift I have been given.  

It isn't easy to navigate free of the selfishness and self-absorption that being unseen by our mothers caused.  We wrongly believe that being selfish is self loving. 

I am not certain I can articulate the depth and breadth of transcending this entails.

To ignore or quiet the neglected self and reach out to help another.

And, I believe we can still whine about being tired. 

We are. 

It isn't easy.  

And, don't they often say the harder road is one where change happens.

The easy road is to do what was done to you.

Anyway.  

Happy Mother's Day to the badass grandmothers who are kicking it.

Who are not only watching their grandchildren, but are outside doing fun things!

We are rewarded with the awesome relationship we have with this child.

I mean - I am one of her Besties!

And, more I know at the end of the day, I am doing my utter best to do what I can to fulfill a need that wasn't planned.

The slower pace of being old, often matches the slower pace of being young.

We also get a chance at another childhood, at a slower pace and with more wisdom to realize the small things are what living is about.

 

 

With You Always

I sit between two mothers - my mother and my daughter.

The past meets the present, and flows into the future.

I have lived long enough to see the legacy living itself out.

I know what I needed and I know what I needed to do.

 

As Mother's day approaches, it is always bitter sweet.  

Looking up at the one who came before me, I find the empty spot.  Most will look back fondly with remembrance, the estranged look back and feel pain. We are reminded what wasn't there, by those who celebrate what was.

Being her daughter who is a mother, I then have to turn to me.

Who am I as a woman?

Am I the woman I needed her to be?

The attempts I have made to fill the space often seems to fall short. The gap was so empty of the things that really mattered.

Some may say that the basics of life are food, shelter and clothing.

I had those things.

What I perhaps needed more, was someone to see me and show me that I mattered.

That I mattered enough for her to stop her world when she knew abuse was happening. It leaves my heart feeling hollow.

How do I celebrate that on Mother's Day? 

 

I celebrate what I did when I knew abuse was happening.

I celebrate how I stopped my world.

I celebrate how I fell apart.

I celebrate how much my children mattered.

They mattered enough for me to become estranged.

I loved them more.

 

And, I look at the mother who came after me.

My daughter.

 

She mothers in a soft way. 

She sees her daughter and her needs. 

She matters to her on a level that is beyond what the heart can hold.

Her actions show love.

 

And, we are catching a glimpse at what we both have passed on down to my granddaughter, who I believe is reaping what we sowed. 

I am seeing my legacy flowering into a pattern of beautiful knowing she matters.

 

There are mother's whose actions are remarkable. Who have put there children first no matter what.  These are the mother's whose love knew no bounds or limits and they suffered in order for their children to have a better life. They are the badass women I celebrate on Mother's Day.

 

Being estranged I feel multiple feelings, but mostly I feel that the choices I made may not always make sense to others. But they have always made sense to the child within me.

She knew she mattered by the choices I made.

I mothered her, and she too flowered into a woman I am proud to be.

Happy Mother's day!

 

To the many children out there who have lost beautiful souls as mothers. I want you to know, how special it is for you to have a heart full of memories, knowing you mattered. What an incredible gift you were given.  The love you feel will be with you always.

 

Your True Self

My husband has been married to two women in our 32 year marriage, both lived in the same body, and their lives are so different.

How do you explain the two of me?

From brainwashed, to open mind.

The contrasts from the inside go from tight constriction, to breathtaking expansion.

 

Void of deep feelings and vulnerable connections, into a deep understanding of myself; my body, mind and soul.

From colorless to colorful.

Meaningless to deep meaning.

 

The woman he married lived with fear as her driving force. Rules and sins defined her, in how she saw the world, herself and others. 

The only way I can really see and understand her today, is to be with women who are still living in the confines of their religious mind. Compound that with affects of being abused.

Looking back, I believe I was drawn to the opposite of me.

My husband's unwillingness to be ruled by rules. His effortlessness to be himself always.  He lived by kindness and a warm heart. He wasn't going to fit into a small box of conformity.

He actually was my guiding light, as I integrated my truths and dared to live outside of any religion.

He didn't need anyone telling him how to feel, how to live, how to be himself.

He knew himself and was just that.

He has always been comfortable with authentic people regardless of how they express themselves. 

He accepted and loved me as a religious woman, who believed she had high morals and values. I believed back then, that I was living my truth. And, perhaps I was.  

The sign I was abused, was that I came from dysfunction and didn't know it. My unawareness of my truths.

 

I was 46 years old and had been married for 18 years, when I discovered the truth within me. The life changing discovering that I was a victim of sexual abuse. We, at that time, thought we had a good marriage, and that we were in a good place.

 

A new woman was born in that moment, and we both had to be open to who she was.

What would this new woman need, and be, and love?

We placed our marriage on the floor to give ourselves time and space to explore how she would fit into the world we had created without her.

It is still amazing to me, for it was quite terrifying to be her.

I was learning where I truly came from and the truths of my pasts and who I was. And, the horrifying understanding, that I didn't know me. 

Not the real me, the me who was abused and how it affected and directed who I was.

 

Bringing in the whole truth of me into an already running life, was a very challenging, exciting, and daunting task.

I didn't know which parts of my life were authentic or just an un-natural response to abuse.

 

The woman who grew from each choice I made was one that naturally fit in with my husband.

A woman who unabashedly was herself, uncompromisingly so.  There isn't a part of me that is built for the comfort of others. 

While this may seem harsh, it really is quite freeing to be with someone who doesn't need you to complete them. There is no part of me that is upheld with how others act or behave.

Love to me is being free to be yourself.

Love doesn't try to shape you or model you into something else.

The reason that our love works, is that it accepts you as you are.

And, this allows for expansion.

It is boundary less.

Perhaps the only rule of our marriage is to be yourself. We can tell immediately when one of us is off - when we are not being true to who we are.

We were married at my parents home with just immediate family.

Here is a picture I gave him while we were dating.

He and I both had no idea where our lives would lead us, and how much I would change.

Even in my wildest of dreams would I ever have dreamed I would be where I am today.

I was authentic as a religious person and one who didn't know her own truth.

Authentically in denial.

 

I am at peace with the woman I have become and thank the woman I was, for she allowed me to survive.

I believe the strength of any relationship is valued by how much you can be your true self.