As I continue to think about the 'control' patterns of life and being on the edge of space, it amazes me, that we actually believe we can control anything.
Whether it be the perfect outcome of a quilt, or life.
In fact, the block in a quilt that turns out funky, is called the humility block.
A way to embrace our imperfections OR to separate us from being too full of ourselves.
The later is how I was raised in the church, that we were flawed beings.
So, if I step back and look at the overview of Art, life and quilting, I can see the contrasts of these two beliefs.
For 46 years I believed I was flawed, broken and innately damaged. That the core of my being was evil, and that if I believed correctly, I would be saved when I die. That I alone, was not enough.
Seeing life through my worthless being was difficult at best.
What is so odd about this belief system, is that while being taught we are bad, we are asked to be perfect. The juxtaposition is mind blowing.
How can you sashay with confidence while feeling so twisted?
So, once I lost my religion, discovered my abuse, I saw myself with new eyes.
I saw that my imperfections were perfect.
My lens cleared.
I could sashay with great intentions. It was enough to be Me.
There was nothing you could add or take away to make me a better piece of art.
Back to patterns. I believe the patterns, systems etc of the world, allow us to feel whole(er).
That without significance guidance and rules, we would run amok.
And I love how we feel that if we plan, or do, or believe correctly, we will have the perfect ending.
Who are we???
How is it possible to predict the unpredictable.
We can if you will be selective with our responses, but we cannot orchestrate life.
Living in patterns creates a sense of controlling the uncontrollable.
We are trying to put the fluid universe into our structure of beliefs.
Like herding randomness.
I was a good pattern follower. I believed IF I lived right, then the world would be right.
I didn't factor in human behavior of others.
I hadn't prepared for my truths, let alone theirs.
The old religious system, systematically overrode reality - and I followed eagerly.
I heard in a book yesterday, about lies.
That when you discover the truth, you don't lose the lie, for lies are worthless.
This is exactly how I felt about losing my faith and even, on some level the individuals in my family. We were living lies.
Perhaps what I lost most, was the 'planned future'.
I no longer lived fully ensconced in beliefs.
Or, my belief is loving the unknown and believing reality 100% of the time.
I am not interested in gathering lies.
My life is the humility block. I embrace that which appears to be off.
I am no longer interested in striving for perfection.
Perfection was a lie that ruined so much joy.
Patterns didn't save me.
Art and living in the present reality is to rest in peace while living.
