IMPERFECT Lady

A Superficial Reality!

As I thought about the different ways we all see Estrangement, it perhaps is more, how we see the world.

I go back to Rachael Denhollender and her words, "Can you really know a straight stick, when all you have ever seen are crooked ones?"

How can you know what love is, if you were raised with abuse?

If you have never required more, can you know more?

 

I was raised in a religion that preached the evils outside of it.

That all hell would break loose if you were to leave, and then even go to hell when you die. Like they knew this with the utmost convictions; while most never stepped outside the circle they were raised.

How can you know something, without experiencing it?

This reminds me of Plato's Cave, where they believed the validity of the shadows of the wall, and nothing outside of it.

Here is a definition of the cave I found. 

 

"The allegory contains many forms of symbolism used to instruct the reader in the nature of perception. The cave represents superficial physical reality. ... The chains that prevent the prisoners from leaving the cave represent that they are trapped in ignorance, as the chains are stopping them from learning the truth."

 

It truly is like we were all raised in caves, or silos of beliefs, and thinking, and what we call love. The cave colors how we see the world.

In estrangement, we left the cave.

It was too painful to stay.

Once you understood the play of shadows on the wall were not real.

The love wasn't real.

I wasn't real.

 

It is like the shadows were covering up the secrets or dancing in place of the truth.

 

Outside of family, religion and the truth - the cave - life is different. It shines in technicolor.

For me at least.

And, I will be honest, I didn't leave without fear.

Fear of finding hell or its close cousin.

 

It truly was like going to another planet.

And, becoming a new person.

I had to walk and talk and be different than I had been in the cave.

In fact, the mind I used to believe in shadows was useless in reality.

I had to use a mind that sought the truth.

I used to seek the fullness of reality.

My mind was used to relating to the superficial.  I had to tap reality to be here now. Not in a pretend world that my mind could quickly conjured up.

 

Estrangement is actually freedom from the cave of unreality.

Or, denial - ignorance.

 

This is why I see Estrangement as a good thing.

A positive move in my world, to leave behind the chains of ignorance and a superficial world.

What I can't impress upon the most, is truly how superficial it is. How there is nothing to grasp on to. How different our minds are.

One mind believes the superficial is reality.

The other mind believes only reality.

There is no common ground for these two minds, as far as I have found.

 

And, as Byron Katie says, "Reality wins only 100% of the time."

Regardless of what your mind believes, reality runs along unscathed by your belief in a superficial reality.

Photo by Julia Griffith Clayton

Superficial Reality

As I thought about the different ways we all see Estrangement, it perhaps is more, how we see the world.

I go back to Rachael Denhollender and her words, "Can you really know a straight stick, when all you have ever seen are crooked ones?"

How can you know what love is, if you were raised with abuse?

If you have never required more, can you know more?

 

I was raised in a religion that preached the evils outside of it.

That all hell would break loose if you were to leave, and then even go to hell when you die. Like they knew this with the utmost convictions; while most never stepped outside the circle they were raised.

How can you know something, without experiencing it?

This reminds me of Plato's Cave, where they believed the validity of the shadows of the wall, and nothing outside of it.

Here is a definition of the cave I found. 

 

"The allegory contains many forms of symbolism used to instruct the reader in the nature of perception. The cave represents superficial physical reality. ... The chains that prevent the prisoners from leaving the cave represent that they are trapped in ignorance, as the chains are stopping them from learning the truth."

 

It truly is like we were all raised in caves, or silos of beliefs, and thinking, and what we call love. The cave colors how we see the world.

In estrangement, we left the cave.

It was too painful to stay.

Once you understood the play of shadows on the wall were not real.

The love wasn't real.

I wasn't real.

 

It is like the shadows were covering up the secrets or dancing in place of the truth.

 

Outside of family, religion and the truth - the cave - life is different. It shines in technicolor.

For me at least.

And, I will be honest, I didn't leave without fear.

Fear of finding hell or its close cousin.

 

It truly was like going to another planet.

And, becoming a new person.

I had to walk and talk and be different than I had been in the cave.

In fact, the mind I used to believe in shadows was useless in reality.

I had to use a mind that sought the truth.

I used to seek the fullness of reality.

My mind was used to relating to the superficial.  I had to tap reality to be here now. Not in a pretend world that my mind could quickly conjured up.

 

Estrangement is actually freedom from the cave of unreality.

Or, denial - ignorance.

 

This is why I see Estrangement as a good thing.

A positive move in my world, to leave behind the chains of ignorance and a superficial world.

What I can't impress upon the most, is truly how superficial it is. How there is nothing to grasp on to. How different our minds are.

One mind believes the superficial is reality.

The other mind believes only reality.

There is no common ground for these two minds, as far as I have found.

 

And, as Byron Katie says, "Reality wins only 100% of the time."

Regardless of what your mind believes, reality runs along unscathed by your belief in superficial reality.

Photo by Julia Griffith Clayton

Enough to leave

The sentiment about estrangement, is often misread. It is believed, that we leave our families for a worse life. That we are choosing to live a life of pain and suffering, loneliness and grief. And, that there is no way life can rebound into something Better than being with family.

Mostly, it is hard for many to wrap their minds around the idea that life being estranged IS better than life with family.

What many fail to acknowledge is who we are leaving.

Or, what we are giving up.

And, even more, what we are gaining.

 

Estrangement is complex, and typically happens when adult children recognize the toxicity of their childhoods.

We are choosing love over hurt.

We are not asking them to change, we are changing our lives.

 

I did not leave a loving environment.

I am not going from peace to into hell.

I am not leaving the light for the dark.

 

Estrangement is seen as being a negative.

However, in my experience it has been positive.

 

How can it not be?

 

Not only for myself, but also for the generations behind me.

 

It is up to each of us to decide what our legacy will be, how we live our lives, what our relationships will hold and how we live out our own truths.

There is a direct correlation between choice and outcome.

I love the laws of the universe, they will not be fooled.

 

It is a drastic measure to leave family relationships behind.  That is the cost sometimes needed in order to feel love.

Love of self.

And, without that, you truly can't love anyone else.

 

My landscape of estrangement is love.

 

"How is that working for you", was a question thrown at me in derision by my brother.

His view of my life is so completely different, than mine.

His view of me, is not my view of me.

Estrangement can be seen in two different ways, depending upon where you stand.

 

It is working for me in countless healthy ways.

Love, and being able to love, is the most remarkable.

 

Estrangement often is the cost for love.

How can you quantify that?

To live among family without love, would not be living at all.

 

And, to live with love so bright, it often hurts my eyes.

I love love.

I love that I can feel it deep in my cells for me.

And, for those I love.

I love that my love allows others to be free.

 

Yes, estrangement is working well for me. I love its peace and its joy.  I love knowing that I can do hard stuff, that I have the courage to stand up for what is true for me. 

I love that I can see my brother looking at me derision and even hate.

I see him disproving of my life and me.

It makes complete sense standing where we are standing.

Loving what is.

Estrangement is beautiful.

My life is completely different than when I was part of the family. 

I am completely different than when I was in my family circle.

And, who I am today, is light years from whence I came.

I love who I am, and I love my life.

Estrangement is loving yourself enough to leave.

 

What is a Girl Worth?

I listened to "What is a Girl Worth" by Rachael Denhollander, her story of breaking the silence and exposing the truth about Larry Nassar and USA Gymnastics.

This books shows how it seems impossible stop abuse, but how it can be done.

If you ever wondered, why victims remain silent, or why it takes so many years to come forward, this may answer some of those questions. 

She waited 16 years for the right opportunity.

I was emotional in many parts.  

Parts where she acknowledges the cost of doing what is right.

Of knowing something is evil by recognizing what is not.

If you can't see evil, there is a good chance you have no idea what is not.

And, do we all know what is the right thing to do - truly.

Do you know what is right, only when abuse happens outside of your circle?

But, can you see what the right thing to do is, when it happens, among those you know.

 

When you have the opportunity to act, do you?

It also shows how much doesn't change.

How organizations are slow to own their part in creating a culture of abuse.

The blindspots many of us can have, when it comes to someone we know.

 

Mostly, this book affirms my understanding of how the landscape of abuse looks and operates, and how.

 

While I believe I have done what is the right thing to do, it has not come without a cost.

I also believe, that abuse continues to flourish among many families within the culture of abuse in the First Apostolic Lutheran Church.

It does, because so many fail to see the evil among them.

Fail to see the crooked stick, for they have not seen a straight one.

Rachael knew she wasn't alone, and she knew there had to be hundreds, but was blown away to see what over a hundred looked like all when faces and bodies were gathered together.

To see all the girls/women who too were abused by Larry, as they gathered to give their impact statements.

But, what healing power to be with each other as they broke their silences.  Their power was taken back as they spoke up.

It is my hope, that some day, the right day and opportunity will arise, for so many silent voices to rise against the church that blesses these sins away.

I understand, the cost of doing the right thing.

And, more I understand the cost of doing nothing.

Abuse doesn't go away because we chose to look away.

What is a girl worth in the eyes of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church?  Who has more power than a little girl in the church?  When will a child, for I know boys too are abused, be considered more valuable then an adult?  The culture of male dominance alone is the perfect breeding ground for abuse.

What is a girl worth?

 

 

 

 

Time Tapestry

On a podcast a while ago, a question was asked, "How do you see time in your mind?"

And, the conversation discussed, how much time do you typically see ahead of you in your mind, or where is it located and how is it organized etc.

My time is a day at a glance, that is often reduced to hours and even just on the lip of this moment in time.

Time is up and on the right side of my head.  

There may be an event or two up ahead, but they are blurry - just out there.

 

Sometimes, time seems to fly by.

Often for me it goes unnoticed.

Unmarked and unremarkable.

And, actually at work, I will race with time, IF I am focused on it.

If I am quilting, I will lose huge sections of time.

 

Time can carry weight or become inconsequential.

 

Time is also marked by memories.

How much time has passed since a certain memorable event happened.

Often time holds the measure as to how much we have changed and/or our lives.

 

There have been moments in my life, where the passage of time was sad.

Where I couldn't believe it would keep marching along, when my life was so broken.

It trudged on, separating me from my old life uncaringly.

 

A past wedding, evokes hope in love.

A past death, brings up good memories and sadness.

A relationship that was broken, brings up astonishment that it truly is over.

 

Time does have an organizing mission.

It does keep us on track and piles up our memories by date.

 

What I am finding, I no longer spend oodles of time in the past, nor fretting about the impending future.

With my day at a glance, or an hour at a glance in my mind, I pay more attention to right now.

I am shocked by the volumes of time that has piled up while I live for today.

 

As I look backward upon my estrangement from family, especially the most recent break with my brother, I am shocked that 4 years have gone by in a flash.

It does take time to readjust to the absence of a relationship.

The times where I wanted to talk, to call, to check in, to inquire....are now gone.

There is a blank wall of time that now separates us.

My life has continued on.  He is able, if he chooses to catch glimpses of mine via social media.

He blocked me out of his. So what I see of his life is a dark passage of time. A silent movie of nothing.

 

I see less, and hear less of what is going on in my family of origin, and time passes on.

 

The separation is real.

 

And yet, my brother's question to me, "how is that working for you" echoes.

It is working just fine.

My life, and theirs, have moved on.

Mine is different.

Astonishing so.

My time is fully used up with so much of what I love and with whom I love.

With very little, stress and angst of dysfunction present.

Most, is within me.

 

I am very respectful of time, and its passage, and how it does seems to speed by.

I am living life in tune with truth and authenticity and love.

My soul is at rest in time.

I do each day what feels right for me.

I see less time and more and more of what brings me love, peace and joy.

Knowing, there will be days, where time drags by, when sorrow has gripped me yet again.

Days, where life changes, someone passes, a relationship breaks, etc.

Life is marked by time, but it is the emotions we enjoy in each moment of time, that makes our lives.

I see piles of beautiful emotions behind me.

Even the darkest lend depth and learning to my life's journey.

Making time for what I love, creates a beautiful passage of time tapestry.

 

Photograph by Hannah Kling