"How come you never talk about a Mom, do you have a Mom?" asked my 4 and a half year old granddaughter?
"I do have a Mom, but I haven't talked to her in many years," I said.
"You could call her", she said.
"Yeah, I could, but I don't want to", I said.
Why, she asked.
I then told her that when I was a little girl, some bad things happened, and my mother didn't do things that would have helped. I didn't go into details. I just then talked about how little children need adults who will help them when bad things happen. That little children shouldn't be left alone to be in their hurt.
I told her I would never leave her alone if she was hurting.
She agreed and gave me a Hug.
"I love you grandma", she said.
"I love you too", I said.
As we then continued to work on parts of her Halloween Costume, it came to me, that I would much rather be on this side of the conversation. I am not sure I could handle the opposite.
How would it be to try and explain in a reasonable account of being okay, or complacent, and even apathetic about sexual abuse to a child.
I think, many people believe, if they themselves are not party to the abuse, BUT are there, it isn't 'as bad'.
I feel good knowing, I won't have to have that conversation - of knowing, but not reacting.
She also asked about brothers and sisters. I told her I had many, but that I no longer talked to them. She again, asked why?
I told her, there were various reasons for each of them, but that it all came down to being with people that I trusted.
That sometimes, you choose not to be with people who don't make you feel safe.
She accepted that.
I again, felt good being able to show her I have boundaries.
That I am able to discern who I feel safe with.
I love the image of having someone older say to you, I have boundaries.
It is okay to not be with everyone.
It is okay to feel unsafe and stay away.
It is okay to set up boundaries and end relationships.
It is okay to honor your feelings.
I had wondered how the conversation would go, if and when, a grandchild asked.
The conversation flowed into our space of creating, and was allowed.
No secrets were formed or kept.
It was all allowed into the light of day.
There is a podcast, "Family Secrets" by Dani Shapiro. And, it shows how secrets alter a child's life, EVEN if they are unaware of them.
I love how my 4 and a half year old, noticed and asked.
Noticed, that I didn't have a family.
But, that grandpa did.
She wondered.
We think little ones are unaware - when often they are picking up on small details.
No matter what is the reality in our worlds, it is best everyone knows how things are.
It is the unknowing - or having to keep a secret, or not being able to talk about things that are not pleasant, that distorts us.
It doesn't change reality, it changes who we are.
I want my grandchildren to know that I came from a family of secrets, that I had things that were unknown to me. And, that there were things we didn't talk about. And, I am not willing to propagate that into my family.
There is nothing I will not talk about.
No secrets to keep, or to hold, on my limb of the family tree.
You can talk to me about all things, always.
A healthy family carries no secrets.
