Secrets- "something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others."
"something that is not properly understood; a mystery."
I believe I have always thought, that secrets were known. That we had to know a secret to be quiet about it. It was an agreement to keep something unknown and hidden; but that we all knew what it was.
Is it possible to be party to keeping a secret just by the fact we don't probe and question?
Nor did I know, the things that were mystifying were also secrets.
It wasn't until my granddaughter asked me about my mother, did I realize profoundly, how secrets are propagated.
The spreading happens, when silence or half truths or complete lies are told, creating a reality that doesn't really exist.
Most in my family of origin would say, that there are no secrets, that we all now know that our father was a pedophile.
But, what I believe most will not do, is share this history with the next generation.
And, what would prompt it?
If, their relationships have remained unchanged, if life has more or less gone on the same from the time of my father's trial, what is there to question?
There was nowhere in my childhood/young adulthood, where sexual abuse was discussed. Nowhere were generations before me telling me about the cycle and history of sexual abuse.
No one was talking about what happened, and what would have been a better tactic to prevent future abuse.
And, even more importantly, who was abusing, who had been abused etc, and how to keep this generation and the next safe. What was healing and wholesome and healthy after experiencing abuse.
Nothing.
The silences were profound in the absence of talking.
There were women I looked up to in our family.
Yet, these same women were silent.
Secret keepers.
Protectors of a reality that would have been good to know.
Or, more the gatekeepers of a reality that didn't exist.
Growing up among the secret keepers, there is an unwritten rule about what is okay to question and what is not.
Which brings me to my last conversation with my mother. I went to see her upon her request.
One of the first things she said was that her religion was not to be discussed and that more or less we were not going to discuss my father.
These were her sacred cows, the places she was unwilling to explore and know more about. Is it a coincident that the abuser, and her tools to forgive him were not to be explore or questioned.
Didn't that make her the queen of secret keepers, at least in regards to my father.
I wonder now how she truly sees me.
Instead of looking at the secrets, she looked at me.
In Rachael Denhollander's book "How Much is a Little Girl Worth", she writes about the willingness to stand against abuse, equals the willingness to give up say your religion or spouse, or school or organization, in which it lies.
My mother's inability to give up her ideas of her husband and religion, disallowed her to explore any avenue of sexual abuse.
Perhaps what hurt the most, is the reality of who she actually was.
In the words of Rachael, how much is a little girl worth, or more many little girls.
In fact, it is often said, it takes hundreds of little children to make someone change their minds about a person and/or religion/organization.
Maybe the biggest secret there was, was who my parents truly were. They gave off an image that contrasted the reality of what truly lay beneath.
Which is why, I am so adamant about walking the talk.
The echoes of the "How is that working for you" remark my brother threw at me, lands so differently than how he sees it.
Living in unison and harmony with reality allows for everything.
Nothing is off limits.
Are secrets a non-reality maker?
A pretend starter.
Let's pretend that this didn't happen and return to 'normal'.
In my mother's world, the forgiveness of sins worked remarkably well, it allowed her to have the reality she wanted. No sexual abuse stuck to it. It was quickly removed and sent to the sea of grace, where it wasn't to be mentioned again.
The forgiveness of sins, is a way that you remove from your reality, the truth of what is.
Secrets are just reality that isn't talked about.
