So, I turn 61 today. That is hard to imagine. Sixty-one years seems like a very long time. And yet there are times where it feels like I am just getting started, and others where I feel my age.
Time is an odd thing anyway.
You can't see it.
And there are times when an hour seems to take forever, and others where it flies.
We measure life by time, instead of by wisdom, learning, experiences, love, joy and even sorrow.
Who I am today, is a compilation of experiences way more than time.
I have lived a full life of emotions. I have felt deeply and loved fully and also felt the deep loss of family. Or perhaps more the loss of relating.
My mother's latest card, shows me that she sees me as unforgiving, and that there is a loving family waiting for me, when I do.
I am a child. An unforgiving one. One that doesn't see the caring family. One who only sees the abuse. I am a 61 year old child. In her eyes.
I see, or more, feel my forgiveness. Forgiveness is knowing that the past could be no different. I own it. I have moved beyond hoping that life could have been different. I have played with the cards I have been given. I have created a life beyond abuse.
In my 61 years, I have related to many whose relationships I cherish. I have learned from so many women who have lived life differently than mine. Who have shown me badass ways, and loving alternatives.
I have learned to relate to the little girl inside of me. The one who didn't have to forgive and forget her abuse. The girl needed me to be empowered, to have a voice and a choice. To stand on shaky legs and say what I needed to say. She and I relate well with each other. We face the world with all we know. We are a team of one.
Sixty-one years has taught me about myself, and how every interaction I have, I bring me.
I bring the child with trauma, the badass who stood up, the mom, the grandma, the wife, the girlfriend, the adventure girl, like stacking dolls, we are all one.
My experiences in relating to myself and even the lack of relating and denial, are all part of who I am. I understand deeply what happens when I deny myself to get along or people please. I am not spared. I eventually have to deal with the part of me I left behind. There are consequences to being someone you are not. You get a life that isn't true for you.
Life, I believe requires the real you to show up.
Life wants to relate to you, not the pretend you.
Age doesn't really matter to me. Yes, there are many years that have passed since the day I was born. I have lived, it feels like, many lives. I was able to experience life on so many different levels.
Being old (er) feels like the most free of lives.
It fits me the best.
I know me and am comfortable being me.
I know what it took to get here.
I am grateful for my journey today.
There may be many who would like me to do things differently, to be a different me.
I hear you.
And disagree.
I love being a disagreeing woman.
I love that I can disappoint you, and still have a good day - a good life.
This lesson was the hardest for me to learn.
Here's to another trip around the sun!
