When writing about childhood abuse and trauma, there are two sides; the parent's and the child's. Most often, folks rush to understand and sympathize with the parent; for it is our natural tendency to protect parents. We have been schooled with "love, honor and obey thy mother and father."
This one commandment, and belief, often steps in front of a child's healing and self empowerment.
And, it also leads others to first defend or explain the hows and whys of what a parent did.
Alice Miller in her books - one being "The Body Never Lies", speaks of how this is so damaging. How just that one simple, yet profound, belief, can stop one from seeing where their trauma came from. As well as seeing their parents in their true colors AND to see the causes of their abuse.
Is it more loving to not see the truth of your parents - and to believe in that which isn't even true?
While it was terrifyingly painful to see a parent that was abusive, it actually allowed me to see my own wounds.
Can you see a wound, if you don't see who delivered it to you?
Mostly, my intentions is to empower the child/adult child. I am not really interested or concerned with keeping the 4th Commandment.
I am much more interested in finding out why we are the way we are.
Imagine what freedom children would have if they were not taught this commandment. If they were allowed to see their parents clearly.
In the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, the commandment is taught. And, what is also key, is the forgiveness of sins. So, parents can remain whiter than snow and perfect. Their imperfections cannot be seen or talked about.
This commandment also gave my mother protection from her children. I was not allowed to see her sins or call them out. I actually wasn't allowed anywhere near her religion. She refused to talk about it. That and her husband. I was to only speak of myself.
How pray tell can you speak of childhood abuse, IF we leave the parents out of the equation?
I dropped the commandment.
I lowered the shield that protected my parent's and their actions.
I allowed everything to be seen and felt by me.
FEEL THIS, is what I often said after receiving a call or letter/card from my mother.
I had to bring her into reality, in order to fully deal with my abuse.
I had to own the fullness of having a father who is a pedophile.
I cannot honor, love and obey a man who abuses little girls.
Is that wrong?
It is more, where the commandment is wrong for us who experienced abuse at home.
It is my deepest hope, that I can empower children to heal and end the cycles of abuse.
And, I do not believe we can do this, and honor the 4th Commandment.
What I want others to know, is that when you rush to feel from the parent's view, you are actually leaving the child without support. Regardless of their age. If we can stop obeying this one commandment, children will be free to set up boundaries and learn healthy relationships.
Some may rush to save the commandment, and that is okay.
I understand.
You are free to do so.
And, I am free to let it go, so I can honor, love and obey my soul.
