IMPERFECT Lady

I am Full

While continuing to play in my basement, I listened to a podcast with Michael Gervais. His podcast is "Finding Mastery" - I can't find the one where I heard this - "Fear is the natural response to the Unknown." 

They went on to talk about breaking down our fear, in how we can take it down to day at a time, an hour at a time, or focus on right here right now.

He also mentioned, that fear that goes on long term - turns into anxiety.

 

This is critical for so many who are in fear of the outcome of our lives with the Covid 19 looming among us.  We have to break the cycle of fear.  Interrupt our thoughts, by doing something that will put fear in the backseat.

 

Which answers the question of whether it is a good thing for me to do Sunday Art.

 

These ladies were created by a wonderful artist seamstress. She was going to toss them out, and I saved them a few years ago.  In the past few days, I thought about putting clothes on them.

So, today I tried.

Working with 3D art is way not in my wheel house.  I was stressed immediately.  

My conclusion is to not try new

things that make you anxious during this time.

I think, if I didn't try real hard, but perhaps sewed them right on, in a weird not clothing creating way, I may like it.  

I tossed some yarn on her head and that was that.  I do like the clothes, and I can see how a personality could rise - depending upon what I could create.  They can afford to wait a few more months until I have a calmer sense of being.

So, I then went back to the Flat Art. 

On the route last week,

I thought about making my own Large Flower Background, and so I tried.

I will now have a canvas to start next week's Sunday Art. And, I finished off my Art time feeling less stressed.

The art in its unfinished stages are seeds for next week.

I have heard it is best to leave things not quite finished, so that you have an easy place to hop onto when you re-enter your art space.

Sitting here feeling like I had a good Sunday of Art!

I am full.

Sunday Art is My Fuel

Continuing to do Sunday Art feels like a luxury that is a staple.  

A frivolous routine that I use to refuel myself, and escape the reality of Covid 19.

 

The heaviness of doing something practical overwhelmed me immediately.

 

Lightness and joy filled me as I decided, Sundays were still for being an artist!  Engaging with this part of me offsets the rest of the week.  My week would be way too heavy without it.  And, if that bright spot is always open for me to enter, I feel normal, safe and that life is okay.

 

That being said, I went down to make large flowers, since all my panels which were few are gone.  

I stumbled upon a fabric with delightful flowers.  I was so happy to quilt them!

I never know where my art will take me, what will appear and how.

I then, looked at this as an Art mural and sidewalk.

Once the drawing is down, I then will select fabric that seems to want to be part of this landscape.

It is fun to see what will appear, work and grow together.  

 

And, then how what makes it come alive.

The words and bird and hearts help!

What I thought of as I sewed, was how we are all being asked to make the best out of difficult situation.  

We are having to keep a tight small circle; and some are down to a circle of one.  

Alone; but surrounded by nature, words, art and those who are our rocks of support.

 

I know when my life was at its darkest, the two huge therapies for me was outdoors and art.  Often the people of my life seemed to complicate an already dark place.  Yet, they were crucial to my wellness. 

Perhaps maybe nature and art - was the fuel I needed to survive what I thought then was the unsurvivable.  And, there were many who cheered me on; but couldn't truly understand where I was.  

In this, many are experiencing our path.  We are not alone; even when we are alone.

We have many who are in the same boats. 

 

Maybe we can share with each other the things that help us through difficult times. The tools that we seem to be drawn to.  

Even when life was 'normal' for me, Sunday Art was critical to my overall wellness. I need a place that is my own, where I can slip into a space where time and reality disappears.

Sunday art is my fuel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before it was discovered.

I listened to a podcast yesterday, that calmed me down, and had me thinking of this virus in new ways.  I will continue to use Hand Sanitizer and Clorox wipes and will still be social distancing, etc.  This isn't about lessing what I am doing; but it eased my mind in an odd way.

Here is the podcast that I listened with Sanjay Gupta and Dax Shepard.

https://armchairexpert.simplecast.com/episodes/sanjay-gupta-on-covid-19

 

When I heard them discussing the possibility of there being folks who had the virus, prior to knowing there was a virus, I felt it was me.

I had a weird cold, as far as colds go, in the beginning of March.  It was unlike any cold I had ever had.    

My symptoms were a very dry throat, like way down the windpipe dry - can't swallow dry, coughing, wheezing with a tight chest, and I could not taste and I was very fatigued. I chalked it up to having to work while sick.  I pushed through tiredly.

 

So, here is the deal, just because we were unaware of it, does it mean it wasn't here?

If we had symptoms, but didn't have a name, could it have been the virus - prior to it being discovered?

How can we know, or does it matter if we know or not.  Does the virus care if we know? Or does the virus silently move about as viruses do?

 

What I am more at peace with, is feeling that I now have context for it.  The fear has lessened, due to knowledge.  And, if I am right - experience.

 

I am also hopeful that the folks I know who also felt they had symptoms, but no name, that we are not the only ones. That there are more of us out there, who have had it, but didn't know.

The groups of us, will do what they talked about on the podcast, we can be the Herd. The ones to flatten and drop the numbers; because we can't be re-infected so soon.  Or, so it appears.

 

They don't know the history of this virus, we all are writing it right now.

 

I hope this will bring hope and more calm and peace as it brought me. 

I think we need to talk about the virus before it had a name.  

Oh, and the elderly or those whose health was compromised, who may have died with what we thought was just pneumonia - could have been from the virus.  We can't know how long this virus has been around.  We didn't start testing and still don't test everyone.

We may be further along in this process that we thought.  

 

And, I will repeat, that I will not change the way I am being. I will still wipe with Clorox, and use my hand sanitizer.  I will still act like I am infected.  Even while I believe, sadly it was a few weeks back.  I was asymptomatic but contagious and did not know it.  

I can't even know how I was infected, or the chain that brought it to me....or the chain that I began and where it went.

I was spreading a virus, before I even knew it existed.

Which is why if more stay home, the chains will be broken, before they even start.

 

Perhaps our fear will be lessened by the more we know.  

The more we talk about the possibilities of our "odd colds" whose symptoms matches those of this virus.

It is a respiratory attacking virus.

Different than the normal cold.

 

I wanted to share this, and then part of me wonders if I will be criticized for doing so. For it is speculation on my part. Even if, I feel I am right, I can't prove it.

I feel more knowledge is best, more discussions, more curiosity and wonder, will lead to more awareness and hopefully understanding, why we all need to curtail our interactions with others.

I didn't want to keep this to myself and my family.  I want this to be part of the virus discussion - where was the virus before it was discovered?

 

 

 

Lesson from the Virus.

My feelings over the past few weeks have run the gamut; and sometimes all in one day or even in an hour.

Mostly my anxiety has markers of PTSD and my struggle in wanting to control others. These feelings feel like time travelers of walking through my abuse.  Trying to get others to see/feel/understand the severity of doing nothing; and its cost.

And, me failing.

Then, letting go of it all - them all.

It is not in my hands to steer this pandemic.

This is a great relief.

In my control is to put space between me and those who make me anxious.

 

Just as in any human crisis, there are many components, and each of us can only be responsible what is in our sphere of influence.

 

My world, as with most of us, got really small.  There is a peace in that too.  The outside world seems to have darkened or, has gone out of focus. 

The future is way fuzzy.

There is way too much that is unknown.

And, while we believe that we are in a different place, it is really like any other time in life.

We only think we know what the future holds.

We don't.

Perhaps this virus will allow all of us to get comfortable with uncertainty.

To sit with the unknown, and be way okay.

 

Just as I let go of other's and their behavior, I also let go of who will be affected by this Virus and who will not.   It really isn't up to me.  

 

This still means I will do my level best to distance myself from others. To wash, wipe and repeat.  Many times a day. To be aware of what my hands touch.

However, I also am even more aware of the energy in my home.

I don't want panic to dominate.

I do not want these weeks to pass as if we are all holding our breaths.

Instead, I want this time to be looked upon fondly, as we had time to....

Relax more.

Play longer.

Do more art.

Enjoy nature.

It is up to each of us, to feel the breath of our worlds.

 

Tonight my granddaughter and I spent an hour outside. We saw geese and swans flying overhead and ducks and geese in the water. And, we heard their honks and wings flapping. We felt the mud/dirt beneath our feet, felt the wind and sun on our faces. We breathed in beautiful fresh air.  

We talked and planned for her mom's birthday. We will create a simple celebration.

 

The Virus is serious and it is in our present; but we can also keep new routines to make this time pass as normally as possible.  And, to not waste what we have now.  The future isn't promised to any of us.  Let us live, truly live right now.

There is still much freedom to be had each day.

 

It is also amazing how quickly I have not thought about going further than work.  How accustomed I have already become in the small routine of this new normal.

I believe the sooner we do this, the quicker it will pass. 

If we put off living, until - the virus will take from us; prior to actually taking from us.

 

Part of my PTSD or being traumatized and recovering, is not tolerating anxiety and stress and the idea and thoughts that twist my mind about wanting others to behave differently.

I learn, even if it takes me a few weeks, to let go.

To circle back to my own life in a self loving way.

 

Leaving others free to live their lives.

There is a difference inside of me - I feel peace letting the Universe flow and me not trying to bend it into submission in my mind.

 

The old phrase, "Live like you are dying" came to mind.

I will enjoy many beautiful moments that I can - even in the middle of a crisis - or perhaps especially in the middle of one.

Which is what I want to take as my lesson from the Virus.

 

Words of Our Friends!

This has been a weird week for me.  I am trying to assimilate into a new normal, as we all are.  

I am trying to be comfortable outside of my home delivering mail, and yet feel I am walking among virus germs - and being careless.  

My goal is to not bring the virus home, and it seems like an impossible task.

My hands are busy all day long.

Touching, touching and touching. 

 

My fingerprints are never wiped clean - for long.  

Usually, after the first half an hour or so on the route I relax.  I would go crazy otherwise.

I settle into a story with Audible.

 

I can't imagine the health care workers or anyone in close contact with the public. It has to be even more precarious and nerve-wracking.   

There is the pull between doing your job and being responsible and then being irresponsible for doing your job.

 

And, the services that many are providing need to be done by humans.  And, if not I, than who?  Who would I want to put in harms way?  

 

I want us all to make it through without tragedy. I want us all to do our best to keep others safe.  And, I want to try and understand those who travel; but it is harder for me to.  All I see are virus germs coming to our community - and more germs to try and avoid.  

 

The less that are out there moving about, the easier we make for those who have to be outside of their homes.

 

It seems surreal, and then very real.

I feel the normal we all were used to, will be no more. We can never go back to before. We will all be changed in ways that we can't know today.  We don't know who will be with us when it is safe to once again be free to move and gather.

We didn't realize how nice we had it, moving freely without risk.

It is true, you don't know what you have, until it is gone.

 

I guess I want others to know, that those of us who have to be out, really really appreciate those who stay home.  Those who limit their outings to just emergency ones.  It really reduces our chances of bringing home the virus.

I can't see my future; for there is way too much unknown, and lots to get through before we are there.  

Plans are put on shelves.

We have no timeline that is concrete enough to plan on.

We are fluid.

Present

And grateful for what we have today.

Or, our health today and those we love.

 

What I think, when my mind slips off to the worst case scenario is, I want this day to be full. No point in bring a disaster before the disaster (if it is to come).  

I need to be cautious.

I need to be aware.

Not only of the virus, but of things being okay today.

We have today.

The doom of the virus looms around our lives, and we have to concentrate and practice finding a pleasant normal, in this new normal.

Find a routine and relax our hold on what used to be.  It is gone for now. We can find new ways of living with reduced movement.

A friends blog suggested keeping in touch in other ways.

https://dawnkinster.com/2020/03/19/the-written-word/?fbclid=IwAR1vwtxCCsRW_JQ63U-XClmyJVzlug3bewzfl-8B-Fa7D5N3Xe3Ub7Oej5U

Sending cards and letters would be awesome.  

If I have to be out there, I would love to be the carrier of your cards!

Let us help each other through this in the safest most healthy way possible. 

 

Stay home and let the art of letter writing make a comeback.

Then our mailboxes will hold the words of our friends!

Solved a Problem

It was so weird to see empty shelves in the grocery store and fairly crowded isles.  

People stockpiling their cupboards for the unknown that is to come.

And, I will admit, I too added a few extra items, to fatten up our shelves. But mostly it was my weekly shopping trip.  

 

The over shopping was fueled by the run on toilet paper.  

 

We are all envisioning the empty shelves increasing, and it seems there are other items that are going the way of toilet paper.

 

I have not experienced this panic before.

Part of me wants to prepare,

and the other part wants to be the calm in the storm.

To be reasonable with the unknown.

 

We haven't lived through a pandemic, or even extreme shortages, and we haven't been asked to survive with minimal resources.

 

I have been listening to many different podcasts on the topic of the virus, and what we can expect and/or do.

 

The one I loved today was with Tim Ferris and Jack Kornfield "How to Find Peace Admist  COVID 19".

 

So, we are being asked to be less social, to spend more time alone and at home.  There are many things we can do during this time that will impact our lives in a positive way.

 

We can see it as being on retreat.  On doing things at a slower more relaxed pace.  Using this time as spare time.  Time to do things we typically have no time to do.  

We can meditate, write, do art, and enjoy time with ourselves and those we live with.  Taking a break from social commitments and life that often flows at speeds that make us breathless.  Use this as a relaxing resting time. We now have a real reason to be alone.

 

This may also be the time to practice letting go of control and focusing on the present moment and what we have, and how we are today.  

Acknowledging the fear; but not giving it too much attention. 

Rather focus on what this extra time and space is offering us.

 

What I mostly do not want to do is be part of the panic and rush, that is emptying out the shelves to hoard items at random.

 

This is asking each of us, do you want to be part of the panic or the calm in the storm?

What can we do that is reasonable, and even helpful.  Who can we help and how?

I would rather find alternative ways to replace toilet paper, than be that person who has cases - in case.

 

We need to think outside of the box, to explore and expand the way we see things. 
Most of us could live for weeks on what we have in our cupboards, me included. But, we may have to get inventive on what we eat and how much.

 

I am one of the few, who would love to be told to stay home for a few weeks.  There are projects upon projects I could work on and quilts and art and things I could explore.

We seem to panic when others panic, instead of going against the grain. 

Let's all try and tackle this virus with calm and reason.  And, to know there are many different ways in which we can move through this challenge.  We can either be part of the problem or part of the solution.

We can restrain the impulse to join the panic and lean towards reasonable.

 

This whole toilet paper deal feels like a visual example of what a panic thought does. It focuses on the wrong thing, and acts in ways that don't make sense, to the reality of what is truly going on.

The one panic thought, leads to another and it follows folks who are acting unreasonable.

Having an excess of toilet paper will not protect you from the virus.

 

Mostly, what we need to focus on, is what will protect us from panic.

Being in the present and maybe even believing we will be okay; that we will know what to do when the time comes.  Trying to guess or know what is unknowable, is where the anxiety lies.

Instead believe in you and your ability to adapt to what it will require of you.

Calm is knowing you will be okay, no matter what.  

Panic has never solved a problem.

 

(I had to look up panic "sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior." Hence the run on toilet paper.)

 

March Forth!

A friend of mine sent this to me this morning.

"Today is March 4th. A day to collect our strength and boldly march forth. A day, not to forget our struggles but to accept them regardless of how they have affected us. A day to march forth. To march with compassion, understanding and determination, no matter what the past has been, March 4th!"

 

I may have heard about March Fourth before, but I love the reminder.

I love the image marching brings up for me, a parade.

A colorful, magical, badass, marching parade.

 

A parade of humanity accepting the unacceptable; knowing they don't have a choice.

It is the route their lives have taken them down.

 

I am so grateful that I have so many badass friends.  People who have gone through unbelievable pain and suffering, and despite it all, are living lives of integrity, courage, adventure.  Continuing to live lives of great substance!

I can see the parade of Marching Fourth people.  We are a force to be reckoned with.

We are fearless, for we know we can survive the unsurvivable.

And, we need the artistry and color to bolster up our souls.

Colorful, bright daring individuals are in my parade!

Marching forth, not only on the 4th of March; but each day and often many times a day.

March out into the world doing that which needs to be done.

 

March forth with your whole self. Carrying with us and held tenderly our broken hearts and our wounded souls.  Lavishly decorating them with what brings us love, peace and joy.

 

Thanks friend for sharing this with me.  I love the parade I am in.  I march forth with you all!  We don't have to march a straight line, or be brave all the time, we just have to keep going forward; together.  We are stronger in a parade!  March forth!

 

Story Line of Becoming

I felt like I was taking the records of my mentalness as I left Copper Country Mental Health with my quilts. I was taking them out of a safe space. A place that understands, and holds sacred, our mental being.  

I felt sad, for Joe wasn't there for this transition. He would be so excited to know they were going on the road.  I miss his great hug of confidence. And yet his confidence walks with me.

As I took down each one, I didn't dwell on them. But, yet each one felt like a piece of my mental breakdown, and a badge of my courage. My broken self and my healing together. Picking up pieces of my self from long ago.

 

My Story Line quilts, and my most recent quilt, are sharing the same couch today. The history that flows through them, is mine.  Who I was, where I was, and what I was going through, is captured in fabric.

There is a vulnerability in doing art.  It captures our beginner self.  In these quilts, I also captured my mental wellness or the lack thereof.

These quilts feel vulnerable - an openness and yet there is tentativeness in doing so.

I had to look up the definition of Vulnerable.

"the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally."

 

What these quilts carry is vulnerability and courage.

For, I truly felt completely terrified to be attacked for my openness. And so badass for being so open.

At the time these quilts were created, I was a mess and my life shattered. 

 

The woman herself was so small and frightened - and a stranger to me. I had no idea who I was, where I was going, or who I would become.  And, I wasn't even sure of my history.  The state of my world was terrifying and hopeful.  A messy ending and a beautiful beginning.

The quilts are so beautiful in their artistry.  It blows my mind that someone in the state I was in, could continue to do art.

 

There was a desperateness in my art.  Or, should I say to do art. I needed so desperately for there to be something alive and beautiful in my world at that time. And, yet it recorded my inner state of vulnerability and unknown - against the backdrop of life.

For the next three weeks, I will look at these quilts with new eyes and re-read and perhaps re-write captions for them.

Reconnecting with past self and the trauma she was in.

I feel such awe in my ability to be so exposed - both artistically and emotionally.

To share my wounds - not only of being sexually abused, but also that I didn't know who I was or what I stood for etc.  

Like a bleeding broken self who does art.

These quilts oddly seem more valuable today, then they did while I was making them. I feel the history and story line of becoming.