I felt like I was taking the records of my mentalness as I left Copper Country Mental Health with my quilts. I was taking them out of a safe space. A place that understands, and holds sacred, our mental being.
I felt sad, for Joe wasn't there for this transition. He would be so excited to know they were going on the road. I miss his great hug of confidence. And yet his confidence walks with me.
As I took down each one, I didn't dwell on them. But, yet each one felt like a piece of my mental breakdown, and a badge of my courage. My broken self and my healing together. Picking up pieces of my self from long ago.
My Story Line quilts, and my most recent quilt, are sharing the same couch today. The history that flows through them, is mine. Who I was, where I was, and what I was going through, is captured in fabric.
There is a vulnerability in doing art. It captures our beginner self. In these quilts, I also captured my mental wellness or the lack thereof.
These quilts feel vulnerable - an openness and yet there is tentativeness in doing so.
I had to look up the definition of Vulnerable.
"the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally."
What these quilts carry is vulnerability and courage.
For, I truly felt completely terrified to be attacked for my openness. And so badass for being so open.
At the time these quilts were created, I was a mess and my life shattered.
The woman herself was so small and frightened - and a stranger to me. I had no idea who I was, where I was going, or who I would become. And, I wasn't even sure of my history. The state of my world was terrifying and hopeful. A messy ending and a beautiful beginning.
The quilts are so beautiful in their artistry. It blows my mind that someone in the state I was in, could continue to do art.
There was a desperateness in my art. Or, should I say to do art. I needed so desperately for there to be something alive and beautiful in my world at that time. And, yet it recorded my inner state of vulnerability and unknown - against the backdrop of life.
For the next three weeks, I will look at these quilts with new eyes and re-read and perhaps re-write captions for them.
Reconnecting with past self and the trauma she was in.
I feel such awe in my ability to be so exposed - both artistically and emotionally.
To share my wounds - not only of being sexually abused, but also that I didn't know who I was or what I stood for etc.
Like a bleeding broken self who does art.
These quilts oddly seem more valuable today, then they did while I was making them. I feel the history and story line of becoming.
