On Mother's Day, you typically look backwards, to the point of your beginning; to the woman who raised you. This glance backwards in estrangement can leave a smudge or dark imprint on the day.
However, this year I spoke of feeling the dark cloud on the horizon to a friend. She suggested I look at ways for me to celebrate Me instead.
What was so odd about this, is that I have never thought of celebrating Me.
I could see the beautiful mother's my daughters are. They are so kind, soft, caring and oh so loving. A safe heart for their daughters to have as their middle.
A spot of protection - a warm place to turn into when troubles arise.
I could celebrate them!
However, I was skipping the Mothers who came before them.
This mother's day - while it was cloudy outside, my inside was free of the dreaded dark sensation that inevitably rose - when I looked back. Today, though - I looked here.
Down.
To Me.
I celebrated who I am.
Not with a fancy band or parade or streamers and lights.
Just to be with Me, and those who follow in my tracks.
The generations below me.
The past is there.
But, I didn't turn toward it.
I looked instead in the middle space Me.
I am at peace with who I am.
My whole body, mind and soul fully accept and know that how I traversed with my integrity, was right for me.
I don't match my rearview mirror view.
Who I see there isn't who I can celebrate and feel love for on Mother's Day.
Before this darkened image hung over the day. I couldn't flick it away or be released from it. I always stood as a daughter but an un-celebrating one.
Today, being asked to do a celebration for Me Day reset my focus.
Me - now that is something I can feel the idea of Mother's Day energy towards.
There may be folks who thinks this is a selfish idea. A very self-centered - I am full of my self sorta ego driven weird parade of one - idea.
Unless you have experienced the lack of being able to celebrate a Mom who was someone to celebrate, you won't understand.
It is a celebrations of Moms.
Moms who are loving, kind, warm and who see and protect their children - Moms.
If you don't have one - then there wasn't anything to celebrate.
Unless, a friend tells you to figure out a way to celebrate you.
Feeling like I am someone to celebrate - is a celebration.
I had a few tears on the day it dawned on me - that I deserve to be celebrated.
To feel Mother's Day from what is inside of me as a Mom, and to celebrate that.
Celebrate Me!
Perhaps this may even seem that I am insane. I am 61, my oldest child is 33. I have been a mother for 33 years, and this year is the first I felt it was a celebration of Me.
That feeling doesn't need a gift.
That feeling doesn't need acknowledgement from the outside.
However, I can feel that I have given my children a gift.
They have a mother who they can celebrate.
I celebrated LOVE today.
I am not the usual type of mom, my history is colorful and awkward at times. I stand out or stick out, or perhaps most, don't fit in. I am different and see the world through clear colored lens.
I don't follow or lead, I am just Me.
Doing what feels right to me.
What allows my body and soul to not live a lie.
Breathe in deeply - a woman who lives her truth.
I can celebrate that.
