The estrangement between a parent and child goes against the gravitational pull of nature. In fact, anytime there is a breech in the contract of family, our systems will feel the pull and push with our emotions.
I wish there was a simple and general response to estrangement, or what to do when a person feels that they are safer away from family than with it, but it is at the very least, complicated.
Estrangement isn't an easy thing to accomplish.
Nor, do I believe is it something that is taken lightly or made in moments of whim.
It is the last ditch effort to save yourself, a final realization that if you don't separate, your mental well-being will be gravely affected. Your sanity, harmony, peace, love and joys - need separation in order to survive.
The ones we estrange ourselves from may or may not realize the contents of their toxicity, the levels of their dysfunction, or the cost and toll of being in their lives has on others.
How can you calculate what it feels like for others to be in your world?
And, each of us has a tolerance level.
Perhaps it is a drama or trauma tolerance.
Some of us can withstand leagues of pain and suffering and be okay with turmoil and angst. Others of us just reached the bottom of the barrel of our tolerance. We have nothing more to give.
Meaning, we no longer have the band width to be in your presence. Your life infringes upon our sanity in ways that makes us crazy.
Truly.
The set and tone of our worlds are disrupted too much by your life's choices or the lack thereof. We simply cannot float hope out that things will be different "next time".
It is like the curtain has dropped on reality. We know who you are as a person, is not who we can be in a relationship with. As children we don't pick who are parents are. But, as an adult, we can choose who we want in our lives.
This healthy boundary making is very hard.
It is these same boundaries, we so wish our parent practiced.
Our healthy choices are seen often as punishment towards a parent, or that we are non-forgiving, unloving etc. Rarely can an estranged parent see the child being responsible and self-loving. They instead see the estrangement through their eyes only.
Somehow, the parent believes the child can't see them. Doesn't understand their pain etc. When in fact, the child has lived with the effects of the parent's choices more than any other.
We have lived with the consequences of their 'poor' choices.
Often for years and years prior to leaving.
It may seem like it was one event, one moment in time; but it is actually the accumulation of years and years of hoping and wanting things different. Of forgiving and forgetting, and moving on, in hope.
Until hope runs out.
The bottom is reached, and there can be no more.
There is no energy left to fly the flag one more time.
We simply are done and done.
I often wonder if my mother has taken inventory of her life's choices and how they impacted her children? If she really counts the moments of time, SHE and her life choices have gravely impacted the relationships. The chips and cracks she has inflicted upon the parent and child relationship. There is a price tag for each choice, and sometimes the price is estrangement. You will lose the privilege of being in their lives.
Children grow up.
And, have children of their own.
It is now my choices that will affect my own children.
As a mother, what is the cost of my own choices upon my children?
What I do and how I live reaches into my children's lives.
I either impact them with love or pain.
At the very least, it is my hope that my life doesn't cause or bring stressful energy.
And, that I am responsible for my own boundaries, my own mental well being, that I am dependent and not needing them to adjust their lives for me.
Love is freedom.
Love is overflowing good energy onto those we love.
Love has boundaries.
Love estranges itself from others to maintain peace, and joy.
I personally question those who don't have boundaries, who claim family is family no matter what. I believe, that without boundaries, you will settle for anything and anyone. Being able to close down relationships within family, in order to preserve a tranquil and loving environment, creates a safe place for your children to thrive.
Sadly, those of us who have had to estrange ourselves, come from families where we were unsafe. And, in order to feel safe and honor our feelings, leaving was the only answer. The family and its environment wasn't going to change, so we had to. We had to change who we allowed into our lives.
When a child feels unsafe in your presence, it is perfect that they become estranged.
Unsafe doesn't mean just physical, but our mental and emotional well being matters too.
A strong healthy person can walk away. Even on shaky legs and an uncertain future away from family.
Putting up boundaries in an environment where none have been, isn't easy. And, it will be seen as rebellion and dislike or hate. When in fact, it is the most loving thing to do.
Loving yourself enough to go.
On this Father's Day, there are children who have left who won't feel like celebrating today.
Celebrate your strength.
Celebrate knowing what real love is.
Perhaps by knowing what love is not.
