What does your heart want - was a questioned posed on a podcast this week. I don't think we ask this of ourselves very much. We typically know what is expected of us, what others are doing, or not doing, but rarely do we just sit inquiring with our hearts.
I have been riding along the route this week pondering this question.
The first and most basic thought is, "I want others to be free to be their authentic self."
My heart truly beats for others to listen to their own truths.
And, to be courageous enough to voice what needs to be said.
I was 46 years old before I heard the longing of my heart.
It was very young when I heard it breathe.
My heart seemed to know when I would be able to hear it.
When the outside world fell silent with disappointment.
I am not sure if I turned a deaf ear on what I used to focus on, or did I suddenly hear a new voice from a new direction. I am most inclined to believe it was the first.
Our hearts, I believe, want our attention.
It seemed my heart had to be broken by the outside voices, in order for me to hear it inside of me.
What does my heart want?
Back then, it just wanted me to be with my truth.
Period.
To stand with it and not turn away.
Even when, or especially if its voice was in opposition with others.
By following a very simple and basic - and even historically, old system - I leaned into my intuition, and followed my feelings.
I wonder what the difference is between feelings and heart, and even soul? What is it inside of us that leads us intuitively - to honor the truth of our lives and experiences - and to do what we know in our hearts is right for us.
I used to think I had a conscience, but mostly it was a belief system that was formed around a cult. Its bells rang when I veered off the rules of the religion. It wasn't an organically created. It wasn't Me. It was how I was programmed to be.
Becoming me, took time. I had to sit with choices, explore feelings, write out the different choices and who they would serve, and what the long term consequences would look like.
I heard the line from an audio book, that a man speaks to his great grand children when making a decision, and sits with how it will affect them.
I get this.
I want my choices to stand the test of time.
That the decision will go smoothly into the next generation not placing a debt that will be hard to live with.
I believe, my siblings and I, carry a huge debt from our parents. Its burden isn't one that is easily lived with; plus what we add to it.
As I was unwinding the programming, and the affects of being sexually abused by my father, it truly felt like I was trying to turn around generations of poor choices. That so many of my ancestors made the 'easy' choice to go along to get along. To forgive and forget and live as if there were no abuse.
Which only carried its debt to the next generation - compounding the negative impact.
By stopping and listening to my heart, and living my life differently, I have reduced the weight my children have to carry. I am carrying and owning what happened to me, so it doesn't spill down to the generations below me.
And, hopefully showing a model of being yourself.
Regardless of what it looks like.
When I first heard my young inner self, it was from beneath a pile of stuff other people needed from me. I had been trying to live a life that others needed me to live. There was very little in my life where my heart could beat freely.
I now feel the lack of weight upon me. I am no longer under the influences of the cult and family - those two were very huge.
Now I am able to live free as Me.
My inner feelings, knowing and being guide me.
No one is using my heart.
What does my heart want? It wants this for others. Especially those who have come from heavy dysfunctional families to be free. Free to feel soulfully connected to their own hearts.
On Facebook a quote caught my eye. "Unpopular fact: There is still grief involved with letting a toxic person go."
So, while my heart was singing with a new connection with me, it was also grieving the loss of family. It still grieves today.
My heart has many broken pieces, and yet it loves more deeply because of what it has lost.
On Independence weekend, I want this personal freedom for all.
May your life reflect who you are inside.
