I used to have a weird goal, to get to a place of nothing. To get everything done, so I could then do nothing. Doing nothing seemed to be a heaven of sorts, an idea of just being. Not in the spiritual sense of Being - but rather in a place of nothing nothing.
In the land of nothing - there would be no demands, nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to be with with. Just doing nothing.
This place or idea feels almost addictive.
There is an un-natural thirst for doing nothing.
What a waste of time in this space.
What a waste of life.
And, of course nothing happens there.
No new experiences, or connections or growth.
A place of sitting in time.
I am not sure if others have this pull or idea.
And, I am not sure where mine came from.
A busy life in childhood.
Perhaps too much responsibility.
Or is nothing an escape from participating in life.
Getting to a place and doing nothing, seems like a very un-living life kinda place.
I am feeling like I arrived at this place of nothing, exhausted.
What seems so counter intuitive to life, is to do nothing with the life you have.
I wonder if mostly the exhaustion was not being able to say no. Not being able to live my own life, that I wanted life to just stop and be nothing. A land where I wasn't expected to do anything.
I just feel that I wasted many hours and days of my life in this place of nothing.
Hours that could have been used to do what I love.
However, many years ago - there were not parts of my life I used for me.
And, I would not have been able to tell you what I loved to do.
I just was living on a programmed setting - with very little of life for me.
Now, when space opens up, I have so much to choose from.
I don't feel like I have to fill up the hours; but rather what do I get to do with them?
How do I want to spend this time?
What joy or happiness do I want to experience.
How do I want to be in nature - on a bike, a hike or in a kayak - with friends or alone?
I just feel that it was a false sense of heaven to want to get to "Do Nothing".
Another thing that has happened, is that the more I do for the love of it, the less I want to do of mundane chores that won't matter in the end. House cleaning has dropped significantly as the love of being outdoors has increased.
I used to care - way too much - about how my house looked.
It used to regulate how I felt - whether I was at peace or calm. And to be honest I felt I judged myself by how it looked - or didn't look. I do care; but just not that much.
I guess, in a perfect world, I would have time to clean and play.
But working full time - 6 days a week, there are just so many hours in a day.
And, when the decision arises of what I want to do with this block of time - I lean way more on doing something fun outside.
Doing nothing - used to feel like I was cheating life. Like I would steal time to just do nothing. When in all actuality it was stealing my life - hours at a time.
So, as I type - I could clean or I could go for a bike ride and 'clean later' which has been my summer mantra.
What I will not do is- nothing.
Even scrolling on the internet - leans too close to nothing.
I need to limit my time more stringently on it.
I believe, if we live long enough, we may get to the space, where nothing is the only choice.
Until then - I will choose wisely how I spend my time.
I want to look back on my life and see all the fun, interesting, exciting, delightful, delicious, learning experiences I have had - and with so many different fun people. I don't want look back and see spaces of space where I did nothing.
