I am sitting in the same house, in the same room, in the same chair, and body - when my whole view of the world changed.
The outside world was the same.
But the way I viewed myself and the world around it was completely upside down and backwards.
The truth has a way of setting you free - but I heard, it will make you miserable first.
Looking back over the past 16 years, the first few were extremely rough. (Learning about my sexual abuse by my father. I had been in a deep state of denial for 46 years. My body knew; but my head did not acknowledge it - or failed to record abusive behaviors.)
The first few weeks/months and years I felt a stranger in a familiar land.
Reconciling the feelings of my body - with the thoughts and beliefs in my head - was to re-learn what it meant to be Me.
I know there are stroke patients or ones who suffer brain trauma and they have to re-learn many facets of life. This is how I felt. The simple choices, became hard. I didn't trust my head's judgments or the thoughts that arose. I had to double check them with my body and my feelings and the little girl inside.
I didn't know what love was.
I didn't know who I was.
I didn't know where I came from - what the truth was or what was fiction.
What I did know, is that if I could stay the course, if I could walk the hard walk, if I could veer off the legacy of abuse and into a new pattern, the history that flowed from me - would change.
Looking back, there doesn't seem to be a choice. Or perhaps I was already half awake when the truth fell in. But, the character of who I believed me to be, really grew from that day forward.
I used to see my mother as a woman of morals, values and pious.
Only to learn that my beliefs about her - didn't match her actions.
What I then had to do, was to make sure that my actions matched who I wanted to be.
Because 16 years ago - I was my mother.
I believed that I too was a woman of morals and values. I wasn't too into religion. I had began to back up and out of the church. But, was wondering how to share this openly.
The transformation to verge away from who I was - into who I dreamed I could become took a long time.
Morals and Values are not just words.
They are the actions that can be seen and felt.
What I find so interesting about the church that I was raised in, is that it is all in the head.
There is a saying from Gandhi
Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.
I believe this to be true.
It all begins with what you believe.
About yourself, others and the world around you.
A simple yet profound belief of who my father was, who my mother was, what the religion actual stood for or more blessed away, changed my thoughts.
For, once you see - you can't un-see.
While December 4th is a date that changed my life forever, it isn't tragedy or a negative day.
It is however a day of loss.
And, gain.
I lost the woman I was.
I was disconnected from my body and the truth of reality.
And, that is to not live a full life.
Today, while in the same house, room, chair and body - I am completely different inside.
My head, heart and soul are together in harmony.
We can accept tough truths and know what response will honor us all.
I am deeply grateful for my journey today.
The legacy of abuse only works, if you act as the generation before you.
My heart sings, knowing I walked the walk my little girl would be safe in.
And, other little girls after her.
While I thought I wasn't able to save my little girl. I actually did.
I saved her to be open, free and innocent in the present.
I have no shadows of guilt or regrets.
The life I lived for 46 years was directly a response to the sexual abuse I experienced.
But, it was only by bringing it into the open, that my little girl felt safe.
All little girls need someone to see them, and act with love.
I celebrate the 16 years of walking with my little girl and learning about love.
