IMPERFECT Lady

Lot of Living to Do

In an exchange with a friend, I shared how there are still many times I have a lump in my throat and/or a feeling in my chest of sorrow.  The sadnesses of our lives don't just disappear; but the sounds of them grew fainter and then again come crashing in loud.

I just don't believe that life will always feel like love and joy - and peace I feel happens when we can carry all of our emotions with us and accept them as they appear.

There is a finesse in living with the pains of yesterdays.

I learned that I could juggle both - and it was best not to hold on to any feeling too tightly; but to keep flowing with what arises.

 

I process and shed many many tears on my mail route and it still offers me the space to breathe into the lumps and sorrows.

 

Just as the virus was the background to 2020 - so are our past pains.

Mixed into the memories and losses are todays sadness and missing - as well as the smiles some thoughts bring. Being open and present we can experience many emotions in one day.

We are not the emotions we feel.

We can honor them, acknowledge them, feel them and know this too shall pass.

 

One of the things that helped me to maintain a balance, was to balance life.

I allowed myself the minutes to be sad. Really Sad - and even really mad.

I then gave myself minutes and hours of creative space and active movements.

 

Even today, I know that who I am as a person is better when I have created, when I have been outside, and even when I take the time to be with me.  Breathing in and sitting with my truths.

 

I am grateful to feel the wholeness of being human - being fearless in feeling the deepest sorrows and then the brilliant feelings of love and joy.

Often we do not chose what arrives in our lives; but we do have the option in how we assimilate it into our worlds.

Again, being creative and resilient offers to us ways in which we can expand and grow into who we are.

I just wanted to share that a beautiful life holds all expressions.

No part of me is being rejected.

I am not ashamed.

In order to be who I am today, I had to go through all that I went through.

It is in the difficult times we find out who we are.

You can't become a badass without struggle.

 

Even a badass strides with lumps in their throats and sorrow in their chests.

And, they do it living life in ways that are beautiful.

Creating a strong inner knowing, it is survivable.

Thrivable.

 

And, I am extremely grateful for all the strong badass women who walk with me - while each carry their own lumps and chests full of sorrow.  We not only live - we live lives of adventure and growth. 

We are badasses inside and out!

Cheers to last year, and Welcome 2021

We have lots of living to do!  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All Used Up

I have been trying to write about a year in review and there seems to be two years - or two different things going on at once.

The pandemic is flowing over many months, it is the background noise of this year; but to me it isn't the only thing this year.

I don't feel that 2020 was a bad year.

There was 2020 and then the pandemic. I don't think it is fair to lump them together.

I believe we can choose on which parts of 2020 we want to remember and highlight.

Judging the year by the virus that arrived, somehow seems unfair for the year.

Or, by the political divisions that seem to be showcased too often.

And, we could focus on those who walked in the pandemic differently than us; but we can also choose to remember the ones who walked with us.

 

I see the year in ways that are much more normal than not.

Perhaps I have adjusted to this new pandemic lifestyle.

Maybe being less social suits my personality.

 

There are family things I did miss; but the family is there and will be there in my future.

The loss doesn't feel as acute as other losses I have experienced.

 

My pictures show a year of love.

The people I love and spend time with.

And, the many things I love to do.

 

I see 2020 as another year of being me.

Where moments turn into days and then months.

I felt I was still able to decide how I would be in each moment and what I would focus on.

 

The few weeks of fear - turned into acceptance and compliance - doing my part in the pandemic WHILE still living my life. We had a smaller playground to play in and less people in our worlds; but I feel I still lived.

 

Travel was greatly reduced and done with more caution than before. We tried to balance the caution of the virus with living.  We made choices we were willing to live with the consequences.

Dates turned into picnics and car rides.  We still ate out; but with take out.

I believe a bigger loss would be to have stopped living in the pandemic for it means you lost almost a year.

Instead I chose to live as loud as I could under new constraints.

 

2020 was a year to prove how much empathy we held inside, how resilient and creative we are and how adaptable. It was a year to live in a pandemic and not just fear the virus. But, to live in spite of the virus.

There were also things that were recommended; like taking Vitamin D, of exercise and fresh air, and eating healthier, reducing stress and anxiety. Ways of helping your body be strong and resilient itself - so as to have a better chance if or when the virus arrived.  Those things made me feel empowered and not just waiting to be struck sick.

 

I see the year of 2020 as becoming a grandma to a little boy.

I see me going grey.

I see me getting healthier.

I see me having more space and less social obligations or stresses.

I see me enjoying more free time.

I see me playing with family and friends, doing what I love.

I see me one year closer to retirement.

I see me living.

 

Mostly I see 2020 as a year of opportunities that I said yes to. 

I didn't miss out on very much.

Maybe 2020 was the year for introverts and nature lovers; a Good Year.

 

As the new year approaches, it is my intention to continue to live as if this is my last.

For, one of the themes I felt this year, was that if the virus was to get me, I had lots of living to do first.

Perhaps that is how we should always live. For, we don't really know what the end date is.

2020 for me was a good year.

2021 is looking good too.

I am deciding right now to look at the good things, to be resilient and creative with the bad and be grateful for all that I love.

It is hard to know when one year stops and another starts - for our life flows from one moment to the next. How we spend the moments; become our years.

I spent mine well.

They are all used up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All Used Up

I have been trying to write about a year in review and there seems to be two years - or two different things going on at once.

The pandemic is flowing over many months, it is the background noise of this year; but to me it isn't the only thing this year.

I don't feel that 2020 was a bad year.

There was 2020 and then the pandemic. I don't think it is fair to lump them together.

I believe we can choose on which parts of 2020 we want to remember and highlight.

Judging the year by the virus that arrived, somehow seems unfair for the year.

Or, by the political divisions that seem to be showcased too often.

And, we could focus on those who walked in the pandemic differently than us; but we can also choose to remember the ones who walked with us.

 

I see the year in ways that are much more normal than not.

Perhaps I have adjusted to this new pandemic lifestyle.

Maybe being less social suits my personality.

 

There are family things I did miss; but the family is there and will be there in my future.

The loss doesn't feel as acute as other losses I have experienced.

 

My pictures show a year of love.

The people I love and spend time with.

And, the many things I love to do.

 

I see 2020 as another year of being me.

Where moments turn into days and then months.

I felt I was still able to decide how I would be in each moment and what I would focus on.

 

The few weeks of fear - turned into acceptance and compliance - doing my part in the pandemic WHILE still living my life. We had a smaller playground to play in and less people in our worlds; but I feel I still lived.

 

Travel was greatly reduced and done with more caution than before. We tried to balance the caution of the virus with living.  We made choices we were willing to live with the consequences.

Dates turned into picnics and car rides.  We still ate out; but with take out.

I believe a bigger loss would be to have stopped living in the pandemic for it means you lost almost a year.

Instead I chose to live as loud as I could under new constraints.

 

2020 was a year to prove how much empathy we held inside, how resilient and creative we are and how adaptable. It was a year to live in a pandemic and not just fear the virus. But, to live in spite of the virus.

There were also things that were recommended; like taking Vitamin D, of exercise and fresh air, and eating healthier, reducing stress and anxiety. Ways of helping your body be strong and resilient itself - so as to have a better chance if or when the virus arrived.  Those things made me feel empowered and not just waiting to be struck sick.

 

I see the year of 2020 as becoming a grandma to a little boy.

I see me going grey.

I see me getting healthier.

I see me having more space and less social obligations or stresses.

I see me enjoying more free time.

I see me playing with family and friends, doing what I love.

I see me one year closer to retirement.

I see me living.

 

Mostly I see 2020 as a year of opportunities that I said yes to. 

I didn't miss out on very much.

Maybe 2020 was the year for introverts and nature lovers; a Good Year.

 

As the new year approaches, it is my intention to continue to live as if this is my last.

For, one of the themes I felt this year, was that if the virus was to get me, I had lots of living to do first.

Perhaps that is how we should always live. For, we don't really know what the end date is.

2020 for me was a good year.

2021 is looking good too.

I am deciding right now to look at the good things, to be resilient and creative with the bad and be grateful for all that I love.

It is hard to know when one year stops and another starts - for our life flows from one moment to the next. How we spend the moments; become our years.

I spent mine well.

They are all used up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Young as you feel inside.

Getting older feels odd, and then stagnant.  

The body is beginning to show its age - okay it has now for quite sometime; but I am seeing more old than just regular me, and yet the inside feels like Me unchanged.

The body now bruises with big bursts of color and I don't even remember how IT happened.  For it doesn't take much to color my skin.

My joints hurt less - with the less carbs I eat.

The lighter I am - the easier it is to navigate the things I do.

I am grateful there are not too many "old people" body issues with me yet.

I love that I love.

I love that I am loved and can accept it.

I love that I can feel love; and sorrow.

I love that my body can express itself.

My heart is free to be Me.

I am so very grateful that I have a beautiful circle of women who enjoy being outside and doing fun things.

It almost feels like I am in my second childhood.

Where there is more time to play and the responsibilities are being reduced each year.

Next year, I can retire.  

That will plunge me right back to age 4 - no school and no work - just play!

As the outside of me is showing its age, the inside of me is not.

I feel the same - but with a wider knowledge - experience has added volume to me.

Or color and intriguing details - like the finishing touches that make Art pop.

And it seems perfectly aligned that as my responsibilities are reduced, I get to play grandma.

We seem perfectly matched.  The childlike wonder is in us both. And, perhaps a slowing down and wanting to embrace the little things in life.  I am thinking the best grandmas are the ones whose little girl is eager to play once again!

Sometimes being a mom felt like I was "playing" mom. That I wasn't really old enough to be one. 

And, then other times it seemed like I had missed my childhood; for I was a second mother in my childhood home.

The only down side of getting old - is that there is less time to live.

Which makes it doubly important that you don't waste time - that you live this day, and this moment.

When I look backwards in my endless amount of photographs, it shows I am doing an excellent job of using my time with things I love.

I celebrate Me today. 

Who I am, what I have experienced and more, the bravery I have had to be Me.

Looking at all my pictures, getting old is so much fun.  Here is to another Year!  Let the Adventures begin!

 

You are as young as you feel inside.

Learning about love.

I am sitting in the same house, in the same room, in the same chair, and body - when my whole view of the world changed.

The outside world was the same.

But the way I viewed myself and the world around it was completely upside down and backwards.

The truth has a way of setting you free - but I heard, it will make you miserable first.

 

Looking back over the past 16 years, the first few were extremely rough. (Learning about my sexual abuse by my father. I had been in a deep state of denial for 46 years. My body knew; but my head did not acknowledge it - or failed to record abusive behaviors.)

The first few weeks/months and years I felt a stranger in a familiar land.

Reconciling the feelings of my body - with the thoughts and beliefs in my head - was to re-learn what it meant to be Me.

 

I know there are stroke patients or ones who suffer brain trauma and they have to re-learn many facets of life. This is how I felt.  The simple choices, became hard.  I didn't trust my head's judgments or the thoughts that arose. I had to double check them with my body and my feelings and the little girl inside.

I didn't know what love was.

I didn't know who I was.

I didn't know where I came from - what the truth was or what was fiction.

 

What I did know, is that if I could stay  the course, if I could walk the hard walk, if I could veer off the legacy of abuse and into a new pattern, the history that flowed from me - would change.

 

Looking back, there doesn't seem to be a choice. Or perhaps I was already half awake when the truth fell in.  But, the character of who I believed me to be, really grew from that day forward.

 

I used to see my mother as a woman of morals, values and pious.

Only to learn that my beliefs about her -  didn't match her actions.

 

What I then had to do, was to make sure that my actions matched who I wanted to be.

Because 16 years ago - I was my mother.

I believed that I too was a woman of morals and values. I wasn't too into religion. I had began to back up and out of the church.  But, was wondering how to share this openly.

 

The transformation to verge away from who I was - into who I dreamed I could become took a long time.

Morals and Values are not just words.

They are the actions that can be seen and felt.

 

What I find so interesting about the church that I was raised in, is that it is all in the head.

There is a saying from Gandhi 

Your beliefs become your thoughts,
Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.

I believe this to be true.

It all begins with what you believe.

About yourself, others and the world around you.

 

A simple yet profound belief of who my father was, who my mother was, what the religion actual stood for or more blessed away, changed my thoughts.

For, once you see - you can't un-see.

 

While December 4th is a date that changed my life forever, it isn't tragedy or a negative day.

It is however a day of loss.

And, gain.

 

I lost the woman I was.

I was disconnected from my body and the truth of reality.

And, that is to not live a full life.

 

Today, while in the same house, room, chair and body - I am completely different inside.

My head, heart and soul are together in harmony.

We can accept tough truths and know what response will honor us all.

I am deeply grateful for my journey today.

 

The legacy of abuse only works, if you act as the generation before you.

 

My heart sings, knowing I walked the walk my little girl would be safe in.

And, other little girls after her.

 

While I thought I wasn't able to save my little girl. I actually did.

I saved her to be open, free and innocent in the present.

I have no shadows of guilt or regrets.

 

The life I lived for 46 years was directly a response to the sexual abuse I experienced.

But, it was only by bringing it into the open, that my little girl felt safe.

All little girls need someone to see them, and act with love.

 

I celebrate the 16 years of walking with my little girl and learning about love.