When raised in a co-dependent household, we learn behaviors that take a lifetime to undo - We learned that we were responsible for others. That it was up to us to make them happy, keep them safe, make sure they make the right choices, the list is long and endless.
We were taught that we had the power and influence - that would supersede the person's own free will.
We were taught that our decisions and choices always had to feel good to others.
How dare we live in a way that was not what the majority approved of?
My focus for the first 46 years was how my life affected others.
And, for the past 16 years I am trying to detach from this responsibility of other.
I am trying to give that responsibility back.
And, I fail when my children choose to be with my estranged family.
It feels like I am responsible but not in control.
But am I responsible for their choices as an adult?
When does my responsibility end, and theirs start?
Who will ultimately be accountable for their actions?
My rational brain can know - their choice and their consequence.
While my worry and control - or co-dependency - has me twisted in knots trying to sway their behaviors.
My choices when they were children - was to be part of the family.
I allowed and helped them form relationships - that they now have the liberty to continue with. Just as I have the liberty to stay away.
It will be now on their watch - if and when something happens.
I have shared that abuse flows within my family, the legacy is many generations long - and growing.
They are not going in dumb.
Their reasons for going in can boggle my mind.
Perhaps I want to spare them the feelings of knowing you were part of the abuse circle.
That my inability to step away, to listen to my body ended up contributing to the climate that abuse thrives in.
So the bottom line is what is my responsibility now?
Whose life do I have influence over and what do I actually control?
What is odd too, is that I am in angst and tied up in knots - when I believe I can control others and can't.
If I just go by how my body feels and what brings my mind to rest - is being with my business and my life.
To do my own life.
To be in my own life.
To look around and see what is and what is not my responsibility.
What I know for sure living outside of co-dependency is much simpler and feels like a peace calm sea.
And, when I am trying to sway another, I feel like I am in a riptide.
My Co-dependent mind had me believing it was my responsibility to wrestle control away from my children. Again.
When my focus, attention, feelings and emotions come back into my world - I am present and with my body in my life - there I have peace.
It doesn't take long to slide back into the role I was given as a child - to be responsible for things I didn't control.
Being responsible is perhaps my biggest weakness - or more being Care Less a strange place to live.
I wasn't allowed to care less - I was put in charge of caring more - of caring for those who could care less.
Caring when others were careless.
The zone of caring less - leaves the space open for all kinds of monsters to invade, and they do.
Another part of being abused is feeling like you were somehow responsible. The abuser and the supporters seem to go free - and the victims are made to be responsible. Didn't you know, couldn't you tell, who didn't you protect???
At one point or another - most of my siblings blamed me for not telling - for not warning - and perhaps this is why I can't let it go. I took on too much responsibility - even by feeling guilty - that I didn't spare anyone from my father. Being I was one of the earlier victims.
This blog was a place where I could warn others, to speak up and to share and to not be one of who knew and did nothing. Who kept silent etc.
Maybe my only responsibility is to keep speaking out.
But if feels like I am talking into an empty tank, that all I ever hear back is the echoes of my own words.
