Family holidays are here. Where family gather, memories shared and new ones created. And, for the estranged - there is a disjointed halting engagement with these days.
The heart of the estranged has two chambers - the old broken heart - and the new heart that moved on without them.
I am still shocked on one hand that it has been almost 17 years - and yet at times it feels not that long ago.
The hurt for sure has lessened - or more time has passed and life has filled in around the hole.
During these family holiday times, you can't help but think of family; even if it is the estranged family.
How strange I must be to them.
And, them to me.
Strangers now - ghost it seems from a long ago past.
I once hated these holidays, for they were so hard to navigate - the jumble of new good times, tossing with the echoes of old.
It is a different grief - or so I believe - than those who have lost someone they loved.
We lost someone, but we lost who we thought them to be.
Or who we needed them to be.
Regardless the relationship broke.
Love wasn't there.
I don't know the loss of losing someone who loved you.
Really loved you.
I lost instead someone who didn't love me.
Who I once loved.
I can't even say if I knew what love was then.
But in my heart - where I carried them and cared for them - something shattered in the truths of abuse.
In the tangled mess where who I thought they were and who they showed me to be, my heart broke.
Family holidays always remind you of your broken-hearted-ness.
Estrangement often equals brokenness.
Where you broke from your family.
You are broke.
Or, so you feel.
It is hard to have holidays and just focus on the here and now and not let the past broken hearts come in.
Perhaps it is insanity to think, you will ever forget such a huge broken heart chapter in your life.
Maybe holidays will always hold the strains of past heart aches - and the joys of new moments.
If we allow the sorrows of old their moments to be part of the present.
The broken heart moments shaped me into who I am today.
I am more compassionate and empathic and open and understanding.
My new heart is wider deeper and kinder.
There is a freedom to me, that makes me a better person.
So, during this holiday time where not everyone has whole loving heart families; but maybe two hearts (broken and new you trying) - let's allow for non-traditional traditions. Let's be open to even not celebrating. I know often many can't wait for the holiday to be behind them. For the normal days to be - just days of living.
For it is hard celebrating family, when yours is broken or fractured or different or with holes of those who passed.
Do what you can to do turkey day.
Carve out moments where you can give yourself joy.
Even little ones.
This year our Thanksgiving was last Sunday, when the kids were available.
So, my dreams did come true, Thanksgiving this year will be just a regular old day.
I love it.
And what I have found, is that everyday for me is family day.
The family in front of me.
One more thing, I know many who say there are family that isn't family and to focus on them etc. Or your family of choice. However, what I know to be true for me, is that there will always be the drag and pull of the old family ties. I am not sure you can ever escape them. My DNA and genealogy is tied up with them. No matter how many wonderful relationships and friendship I have made and love, there is a huge part of me missing. Those who know and hold the early years of me. You know how familiar we are with family, how we just know what we know - that part is missing with me. There are so many in my past, who I no longer know or who know me. The gap grows wider and deeper the longer I am estranged. The phantom limb - is what comes to the holidays.
I don't think you cannot think of them.
Instead I think, it is best to bring them in on your time, to find a place for you to acknowledge the loss.
To have a day of old, broken, lost, new, and hopeful future.
Which is life.
All the pieces of me, make me me.
I am grateful today that I landed here.
With a heart that loves me.
And, allows me to love my family in front of me.
