My mother sends her annual card - for my birthday. I should almost go back and look at the message on all 17 cards since we have been estranged. Anyway, she says, "Pray you find peace and contentment in your retirement years."
Through social media, she knows more of what is going on with me; than I her.
However, she doesn't know my feelings.
The most important ingredient.
What struck me is that she believes that I am without peace or contentment - that when I left our relationship - suffering followed.
I believe it is rare for a relationship to break when there is peace, love and joy.
Relationships break when those are absence.
We leave to find peace.
To be where our souls can settle into contentment.
A place where love can grow and heal the pains of our pasts.
We don't leave to suffer; although we do.
It is painful to recognize that those who you called family could hurt you.
It is not easy to walk away - but it would have been much harder to stay.
What is sad, is that she prays for my peace and contentment - when she had a hand in hurting me.
Peace and contentment is found in a loving home with loving parents.
To pray that I find it outside of the family circle is so weird to me.
The good news is that I have found it.
Peace and contentment were not hers to give or to pray for.
They were mine to be earned as I walked my truth.
As I did the hard shit.
I found my peace speaking with shaking legs and voice.
I found my peace staying away from those who abuse or are passive with abuse.
I found my contentment with my life - eventually.
And yet each year she comes in with a reminder of who she is.
On my birthday, she wants to make sure I know she is my Mom; always.
Really?
The peace and contentment I needed as a child - you allowed to be shattered.
As a mother, you failed.
When I needed it the most.
What you pray for, I hope you find.
