I think people think, that the hardest part of speaking up about sexual abuse is the speaking up. The harder part is not being believed.
My voice and my words appear powerless, and the benefit of the doubt goes to the pedophile or person doing red flag behaviors, and even to the silent ones who know.
And those who speak of it - somehow - are made to be the ones insane.
Our character, motives, opinions etc are questioned - not why the others are silent or the actions of the abuser.
My speaking up is worse than the actual person doing the abusing.
I am seen as slandering the family. I am the one wrecking the image of the family. Not the ones who are actually abusing children and the ones who are silent about it. It is so backwards, it is insane. I am the problem, not that there is a problem.
This dance has been going on for generation upon generation.
The pedophiles do not act alone.
Those who are silent form an impenetrable wall around the abuser.
They are silent to protect his innocence.
Silence is golden for the abuser, and dangerous for innocent children.
And, if you speak up about the abuse - people move away from you.
You become isolated - while the abuser is kept within the tight circle of family.
In order for abuse to continue it needs a few key participants.
Or maybe just one.
Silence.
What is the Ellie Wiesel's quote,
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
And, another one that is applicable.
"We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor; never the tormented."
In the dynamics of families who have abusers in the mix, everyone picks a side.
The only innocent bystander is a child - an innocent child who believes that the adults in her/his world will keep them safe. That they are safe with family.
You can either stand on the side of the abuser or his victims.
There is no in-between space to be.
You are either speaking out or being silent.
Silence is a crucial and key part of the dysfunctional family.
I have lived on both sides now.
And, I don't even know how to articulate the vast differences in both lands.
I have rightly been accused of being silent for 46 years.
I was part of the problem.
I denied my denial.
I denied my own abuse.
I had to look up denied. "State that one refuses to admit the truth or existence of"
Yes I refused to admit my own truths and the existence of abuse within our family.
Keeping up the image of our family being a good one, was hard. Speaking about abuse is harder.
I was seen as a good daughter and sister in my silence.
And, the opposite for speaking out.
And, many would love to see me go silent again.
To stop talking.
Stop writing.
Stop being.
Just stop, so we can have our loving image of family.
Will my silence make it so?
It is interesting the team of silence keepers compared to the tiny crew of those speaking up.
When they say silence is deafening, it truly is. It drowns out the screams of abuse.
I had thought that one person could matter. That one voice could break the trance of denial. That one eye who saw the truth, would be enough. I was wrong. I didn't calculate the strength of silence. The sheer volume of those unspeaking.
The chorus of silence is overpowering -creating a false innocence. And the lone voices speaking up are seen to be insane, family haters, slanderers, folks who don't care....- feel free to toss in your own opinion of me.
Perhaps it is easier to disown me and my voice - than it is to disown their own family.
I had to look up "disown".
"Refuse to acknowledge or maintain any connection with."
I totally feel disowned - due to me speaking up. And, it isn't me personally; but the truth I speak of. They don't want to acknowledge it - so it is easier to refuse to acknowledge me. They want to maintain a connection with family and it is easier to disconnect from me.
In the past 17 years I have been speaking out, my biggest hurdle is the strong silent army of silence.
And, sadly they don't realize that their silence is the very thing that a child believes is free of danger.
The child believes that silence means nothing is there.
How could a child know that underneath the silence is an abuser.
They innately look up to adults and believe they have their best interests at heart.
The silence of the adults in my world - allowed me to be abused by my father.
The silence of the adults allowed many little girls to be abused.
The silence became my way of life too - until it wasn't.
My silence cost children their innocence.
My speaking up is trying to rectify that.
I was, and am damned on both sides now.
Standing up for abuse, I am finding, is endless.
You don't just get to speak up once.
Each time another generation comes along, so do new abusers.
That is the only logical way abuse flows from generation to generation.
There is through line.
An orchestrated dance of doing exactly what the generation before you did.
You will get the same results.
Abusing and silence are the dance partners for generational abuse. One simply wouldn't survive without the cloak of silence.
You know what is weird - you would think in the war or battle against abuse, you would be battling the abusers. Instead who your greatest opponents are, are the silent ones.
What is the silence covering up?
