I have listened to this podcast a few times and appreciate hearing other families talk about how their personalities were formed in survival and how that impacts their lives when they are older.
What I loved the most is how to stop shame.
That in order to end the cloud of shame - normalizing is the fix.
I have been talking about this - repeatedly to different folks in conversations.
How IF everyone spoke about the 'imperfections' in their lives - we'd all feel more normal.
We tend to hide things we feel 'ashamed' about.
I had to look up the definition of shame.
"a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."
Wrong or foolish behavior.
What is the right and sensible behavior in responding to dysfunction, abuse etc.
We are not taught what is a normal response and yet we are expected to act normal in an abnormal environment.
This looks like living your untruth.
We can't act or respond in truth - we have to live as if everyone is fine - when everyone is so not fine.
This edict isn't negotiable.
We are born into a family of pretenders and believe and trust the lie.
The feelings of being shameful - are subconscious and maybe not.
It seems like I knew something was off, but didn't know it wasn't me.
I thought I was off.
I was not normal.
I couldn't love or feel closeness.
The part in the podcast where Brene speaks of not being part of the family struck home to me.
She was the protector, she was the one who took care of her siblings. She wasn't a sibling.
I too played that role.
I wasn't the parent and I wasn't the child - I was acting as the man in between and so responsible I couldn't let my hair down to have and be fun.
I didn't know then that this wasn't normal or that it was normal for a older child to step out of being a sibling to try and help.
Yet how much help can you actually do, when the parents are the ones harming your family?
My mother would say I was wise beyond my years - or so responsible - and what I wanted most was for her to be wise, for her to be responsible, and let me be a kid.
I was born into a family of shame - where the behaviors were wrong.
I wasn't wrong.
I was wronged.
I had nothing to be ashamed of.
Recently or I should say Presently - I have my art and my words hanging out in public. Many have commented on my ability to share all that I do.
And the main reason is I no longer feel shame.
I no longer feel deeply that what I am doing is wrong.
I do feel that a wrong has happened; but not by me.
And, I also feel it is extremely helpful for me to share my experience without shame.
For that will open the space up for another to do the same.
We need to normalize speaking up and sharing.
Normalize even the struggles of doing so.
That it is possible to find and live your truth and be in joy.
I love sharing my art, but my real passion is sharing my story - to normalize it.
The stigma of abuse has caused enough angst and heartache to last many generations.
The hardest thing to undo is the lies about yourself.
We tend to believe we are not normal after abuse - instead of that abuser not being normal.
When families are silent about the abusers, and make them 'normal' and hide their abusive behaviors and tendencies, the child then feels they are not normal.
And, they have no place to respond or be responsible in how they and their bodies want to respond.
Especially if the abuser is family.
There is simply no place for you to bring your truths in a family circle who is pretending the abuser is still a father and husband. You then have to act/pretend all is well. And we are made to feel shame IF we choose to act in a right way and not uphold the wrong doing as normal.
I am not sure I am articulating this correctly.
But, my mind is clear in that when a child's wounds of abuse are not seen and heard - and the abuser is unaddressed and allowed free rein - we are made to feel we are shameful and wrong - not that our family home has parents doing wrong.
In Alice Miller's books she was right about how it is crucial in seeing our parents in the reality of what who they are - in order for us to heal our childhood wounds.
She isn't doing this to put parents down - but to raise children up.
Whether you agree or not agree about who my parents are and how 'good' they are or that they did their 'best'. What matters most is how their lives made us feel about ourselves. Whether we were allowed to have a childhood with someone who was responsible to keep us safe and make us feel love.
What I know, in my heart of hearts is that the shame is theirs to bare.
The children were innocent when they came into their world.
And, I myself was not responsible to save them.
I was a child - yet made to not be a sibling.
I felt responsible; but not in control.
Normalizing that it is normal coming from whence I came.
My focus has been on reclaiming the little girl who could have been.
In being with me.
Being me.
Loving me and life.
Normalizing this journey so others can live without shame.
What I love about the clothesline quilts are how they seem to neutralize the stigma of airing your dirty laundry. How my storyline quilts are out on display - but you feel the beauty in my journey - as well as the effects from abuse. More clothesline quilts to come...
