I am reading about Belonging in Brene Brown's Book "Atlas of the Heart - Mapping Meaningful Connections."
"We have to belong to ourselves as much as we need to belong to others. Any belonging that asks us to betray ourselves is not true belonging."
"True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are."
"We can never truly belong if we are betraying ourselves, our ideals or our values in the process. That is why it's a mistake to think that belong is passive and simply about joining or "going along" with others. It is not. Belonging is a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. When we sacrifice who we are, we not only feel separate from others, but we even feel disconnected from ourselves."
"Because we can feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with people, our sense of belonging can never be greater that our level of self-acceptance."
What I love most about Belonging, is that you can only belong if you are authentic.
And the level in which you feel deep belonging is as deep as your own self-acceptance.
In her book she writes about the difference between "Belonging and Fitting in"
"Belonging is being accepted for you - Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.
If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, I fit in.
Belonging is being somewhere you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you want to be, but they don't care one way or the other.
Not belonging at school is really hard. But it is nothing compared to what it feels like when you don't belong at home. "
I even looked up Self- acceptance to see if I understood that correctly.
"Self-acceptance is defined as “an individual's acceptance of all of their attributes, positive or negative"
When I look back at my life and where I am today, I can see how I didn't belong but fit in.
And, there were certain understandings that we all accepted in order to fit in.
The longing to belong was the thirst of my childhood.
When perhaps it was me seeking to accept me wholly.
To even know me completely.
What is sad to me, is that there are so many of us out there that don't belong.
Because we will not leave ourselves behind in order to do so.
When you feel that your whole self is not embraced and accepted - then we tend to back away.
The cult-like religions like the FALC - often want you to fit in - and when you don't you feel the shunning.
I had to look up shunning.
"Persistently avoid, ignore, or reject (someone or something) through antipathy or caution."
They tend to avoid and ignore those who don't fit in.
I don't recall feeling the deep set feelings of belonging.
I myself had very little self-acceptance. I had church acceptance IF I followed their rules.
What I know now is any group that doesn't allow you to be you, is not one that sees you.
Even in families - or perhaps especially in families.
She writes about her children and how she wants them to feel.
"As a parent, my goal is to help my children believe in, and belong to themselves, and to know that, no matter what, they always belong at home. That we see them and love them for who they are. The pressure to fit in is real and unrelenting, but if we can create a sense of inextricable connection, it's a fierce protector as they navigate belonging. Be here.Be you. Belong.
I will make a quilt with this last three lines. This is my mantra.
That is the space I want to hold for everyone.
As long as you are real, authentic and being you - you will always belong.
