Growing up in a large family and being the oldest of 14 - there was much opportunity to pick up the slack.
Balls were dropped, neglect organically happened due to the sheer numbers. I was like a sponge - soaking up more and more responsibility. Lots of what I put myself in charge of, was not mine to carry.
I was trying to rebalance a world that was tipped out of control.
It feels like I have been caring for kids since I was a kid.
Or more, being responsible for others responsibilities - and what is more true - I lost view of my own responsibilities.
I am responsible for what I take on.
I am also responsible for what I don't share - of hogging the responsibilities.
In childhood, there was no option, if I didn't step up the balls would have laid on the floor - balls of humanity - a child's need. The absence of caring adults left me feeing alone, overwhelmed and unseen myself. But I had to put my needs aside for the critical needs of babies/children.
My generation of grandmothers seem to be doing lots of grandchildren watching. Whether it is full-time or part-time. I don't recall my mother's generation doing this. It was often, 18 and out, and once the home was empty of children, they were Scott free.
I don't know what has changed - perhaps it is the women - but often we become the secondary caregiver to our grandchild.
I almost believe because many of us are still quite capable and are young grandparents - if not by age; but by energy. We can fill the gaps quite easily.
I also know what it feels like to have the weight of responsibility and not having someone to hand it off to, being the responsible one. It can suck the fun out of your life.
Raising children is a serious business and one that requires responsible folks who care. Almost impossible for one to handle alone. Which I know is why so many of us grandparents step in. We do it to ease the burden and to hopefully bring support to both the single parent and child.
However, we cannot lose sight of our own lives.
The needs and responsibilities of a child can easily block out our own needs.
What I am learning is to ask for help.
This is new.
For in my childhood home, there was no one to ask - it was overburdened with need and not enough caregivers.
What is also challenging, is I am asking for more free time.
Time to do what I love to do.
Asking for space to enjoy life in ways that brings my life - more balance of work and play.
Just knowing I can ask, eases the burden of responsibility. My job is to ask.
To feel that playing in my life is worthy of an ask.
I am so grateful that I have a partner who will share responsibility.
I have a backup.
My heart aches for those who don't.
And, my heart goes out to the many grandmothers who are out here filling in gaps. I know it is much harder to do on so many levels.
I am hopeful that our sacrifices are not for naught. That both our children and their children will live in a kinder world. Where their experiences will be of generational care. Where they feel the love and care from generations above them.
In my childhood - grandparents were company. They came over for parties and were treated or handled with care. They were old and not able to do chores or help out - they needed help.
I feel that we are a new generation of grandparents.
I know some badass grandmothers.
The ladies I know are actively enjoying the outdoors.
We have many toys and enjoy doing things together.
We are trying to fit in our grandmother roles with our adventures.
I believe we are the new role models where you can still have a life.
Where you can ask for time off to do the things you enjoy.
To be helpful - but not to get lost in responsibility.
When my overwhelming feelings come - it is when I lose my life.
My heartbreaks for me as a child. Where my childhood fun was so often neglected - due to being responsible.
Now I am learning that the child will not suffer if I play.
The child will be more than okay.
There is another adult who cares.
I love that I can play and that it is okay.
I am responsible for the joy I bring to my life.
And, I am responsible for when my life becomes unbalanced.
There are moments to be responsible for others and then, moments to be responsible for self.
We are the lucky grandparent generation - for we are able to do so many things with our grandchildren - so many adventures and showing them that being old is fun. We can even make the caring days - fun days.
To all the badass grandmothers out there who are going beyond - make sure to ask for days for joy!
