Niceness stays quiet.
Kindness speaks up.
Niceness is toxic.
Kindness is healing.
Niceness lies to keep the peace.
Kindness knows the only way to make peace is to tell the truth.
Niceness holds back.
Kindness moves forward with humility, gentleness and grace.
By Allison Vesterfelt.
I have been trying to articulate the vast differences of words that appear so similar.
Be kind or be nice - seems to have the same value - and yet they feel completely different.
What I needed the most back when I discovered my denial and all that it covered up - was for someone to speak up.
I needed kindness, not silence.
I needed truth and those willing to be with it.
To own it and hold it and regard it as a kindness to the legacy of our family.
What I believe is that I went from a nice girl, to a kind one. And it completely changed who I was and how my life looked and felt. And even IF I fit into my family or not. Kindness didn't live there.
If we think of kindness as living your truth and niceness and denying it - you may understand this.
My mother would say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing."
At face value this sounds nice or even kind.
However, often this sentiment is what comes back at you when you speak a truth - that they don't want to hear.
Nice is often touted as being better than the truth.
Is there really something better than the truth of anything.
Are there truths you are better off not knowing?
One of my gravest errors was believing that everyone wants to be on the field of truth.
That no one would rather not know - than know.
I was wrong.
I was raised in an environment of niceness.
Especially against truths that were ugly and harmful and toxic to love.
As if niceness can change a truth.
What became real apparent was that I was worse for speaking the truth of abuse - in comparison to the ones actually committing the crimes. I was seen as unkind at best. I was unkind - not that my father did unkind things. I broke the family's rule - I was willing to shatter the peace. I was unkind for living the consequences of truth.
The negative words and feelings towards me equal their aversion to the truth.
There is a founded fear of letting truth in - for it will undo all the lies.
One truth can begin to unravel a nice life.
At least this is true in my experience.
What was so shocking to me, is that many would speak the truth to me, but go on in niceness and say nothing, change nothing in their relationships. Just overlook and be silent about a truth that would upend their world. They choose niceness. To me this is a common form of denial.
Being where I am now, I am appalled at how many folks chose to live a 'nice' life rather than a truthful one in kindness.
What kindness feels like in comparison to being nice is shocking at first, but very empowering.
Nice is such a victim stance - being silent or speaking lies for peace.
While I may appear unkind and even evoke feelings of unkindness - in my heart of hearts, I know that it truly is healing.
I do move forward with humility gentleness and grace.
I understand their kindness - even if I don't agree with it.
Living life hand and hand with all truths is not for the faint of heart.
What set me apart from my family - was my inability to be nice.
They needed nice to keep their family together.
I needed to be kind to me, my little girl and the girls(children) who followed in my footsteps.
I had learned the hard way that being nice didn't change anything. Being nice just kept the toxic relationships going.
It is my hope that I am never nice.
May I always have the courage to see clearly into the truth of what is.
