I think the value of a christian is more in the eye of the beholder. It appears quite different from the outside looking in.
I feel I am less in the eyes of christians.
And more in my own.
Back when the label fit me - I wasn't that kind - nor was I loving.
I was judgmental and had a value system based on my limited beliefs. I categorized people based on the rules I believed in.
Rarely did I see the person, or their life and pathway they walked.
Okay I didn't really see anyone other than those who believed like me.
I disregarded many or felt them to be less.
My worth was not in question - theirs was.
What is so interesting to me sitting on this side of Christianity - is how I see myself. Or more how I weigh myself and who I am.
When you are part of a group, you become lazy in yourself. You are on the team and do what the team does.
Especially in the strict religion I grew up in.
There was little free will.
Making a choice for myself was unheard of - all actions sifted down through the veil of our religion. What to do and what not to do. Who to be with and who not to be with. Where to go and where not to go. We followed.
On the outside of religion is a vast land of possibilities and choices.
Each person who comes along is no longer seen through the veil of the church.
But they are seen as I see myself.
It feels good to me to be without the burden of being a christian.
I wonder what label carries the most weight with me?
Who do I identify with most - which part of me is mostly me.
Sitting here I don't feel any label over another.
Who I am seems to change from moment to moment and who I am with.
I feel this body - even more now as it ages.
I feel the sense of self inside.
I don't have a name for it.
I feel the accumulated past of me.
I don't know how I would now label me or others anymore.
What matters to me most perhaps is truth, authenticity, realness - just being yourself.
I value a person who wears no masks.
A person who is comfortable in their skin and in their lives.
After leaving the church, it amazed me how some people are lost behind their religion. That there is not a separate being. Just as I once was lost - to me.
When I left, I had to find out who I was.
It was thrilling and terrifying.
The other side of christianity - feels like love to me.
Unconditional - accepting.
The god I learned about was not unconditional or accepting - let alone loving.
The christian god I learned about - didn't feel loving.
Hence, I don't feel like being a christian is a good thing.
I don't know what to say to someone who identifies as a christian.
I don't know what that means, truly to me or how they move in the world.
What I know to be true in my experience, is that a whole bunch of good christians knew about the abuse in my childhood home, blessed it away and moved on - repeatedly.
It is no wonder I don't trust christians.
Their religion told them what to do.
I too learned the ways of blindness, of forgiving and forgetting, of seeing the world through the dark drape of the cult. Christianity didn't serve me well.
When I meet someone who claims they are a christian, I try to see if there is a separate being. A person behind that label.
Who are they?
How do they love?
How do they see others?
How do they see me?
I wonder what other label carries as much weight or worth as a Christian.
It has more value to other christians than those of us who are not.
I feel free, kind and more loving being a non-christian.
A concept that some are terrified of.
Interestingly, the religion didn't actually give me worth nor was I less for leaving.
I found that christianity wasn't who I was - the real me lay dormant - underneath the brainwashing.
To me christianity was a mask I wore.
