I was challenged today about not trusting christians. I promised to write it out.
This is my third draft and I think I figured a few things out.
First I will be using my abusive childhood to help illustrate for it shows the dramatic changes of heart.
My last conversation with my mother was her telling me, that we had two different perceptions of my father.
I recall hollering back to her, there is only one - he’s in an orange jumpsuit in the Houghton County Jail. Meaning he no longer is a father - he changed my perception to an abuser.
Is it really possible to see the same thing so drastically different?
At first I thought those who are defending religion were like my mother - defending - her views against mine.
But, then I realized they were more like me, or like I used to be.
I was sold on family and religion. I believed in both - and looking back - I don’t know how I didn’t know.
I also thought that I was the loving one - that I brought love to my family. But that isn’t true. I didn’t know love. I only knew what love wasn’t.
Did my family and religion change?
Or did I.
What I believe to be more true is that I discovered love. I learned to love me. I learned about boundaries and what my own truths were - I questioned my own values and perceptions - I watched my own actions how much I lived my own truths and spoke them out loud.
I believe that my definition of love changed.
My family and my religion did not.
I changed my perceptions.
About love and about my self.
In my world, and in my heart of hearts - I feel I am one with reality.
As for not trusting christians. I am still doubtful.
I would change it to being skeptical of most.
I am grateful for those who shared their words, their faith, and love of religion. You have added a gradation to my painting a wide sweep - there are tones. So not all the same.
I see myself in you.
I also see my old habits of black and white, with us or against us - sentiments showing.
A bad habit of mine.
For I do see the world more nuanced.
With a heap of skepticism on religions.
Perhaps our definitions of love are in various tones as well. We all decide what love is.
I still feel the uncomfortable space that opens up when I am asked about God and Religion.
Equally when I asked about family. Being estranged isn't the common path.
Many who have not left church or family will not be as sensitive to the phrases, questions of others. How a simple statement - excludes you.
Do I trigger doubts in them or do they trigger doubts in Me?
I didn’t try to change my childhood family - instead I began changing my own legacy within my home. By loving me - it is my hope that love will be passed down.
I am redefining what love is - to me.
How love feels and how it engages with others.
I vowed not to let the legacy of abuse define me. What it actually was was a vow to find love - be love. My greatest legacy to pass to my children is love.
A love that is accepting, kind, peaceful, joyful, allowing - natural love without constraints of any sort.
I believe my childhood family believes in their definition of love and they find it there.
As for religion - I have zero desire to find a new religion.
It isn’t a place of love for me.
My church is where love is.
While the sentiments of my previous post is about religion and christians - What I believe the source of both is - is love.
Each person and the church they follow - has a definition of love - a sentiment that has standards and morals. Your love matches.
The old adage, "Birds of the feather flock together" has relevance. The flock is what they called parishioners in the past. Who you fly with matters.
My flock is small - misfits - who find themselves outside of what is called normal - the imperfect souls.
The tagline of this blog "I M Perfect and it is impossible not to be.
We fly with those who feel like home.
