Today I sit with the date December 4th and how 18 years ago I began my journey of leaving my family and church.
I discovered I was brainwashed and how my perception of reality was gravely affected by abuse and a cult-like religion.
I marvel at what I survived, and more, who I have become.
Those early years are imprinted upon my soul.
The depth of pain my heart suffered - leaves me breathless.
But what catches my breath even more - is how I was able to walk forward with so much loss and gather into me, love peace and joy.
I don't believe I even dared to dream of the beauty that is my life now.
The pattern I was hoping I was creating - was a design that was unknown to me.
It grew choice by choice - with a shaky weak voice - that grew in volume.
Bold choice gathered bolder ones.
My life has such depth and breadth.
The early years were the hardest - to get the pattern started.
It was foreign and I was a stranger to myself.
Hoping for a better life for the generations who would follow me, I blindly set forth to create something from the ashes of my past.
First though, I had do it for me.
I had to know what love was, how peace felt and to experience joy.
I learned love by mothering the little girl inside of me.
When she was calm - it was my peace.
We learned about joy.
Often these came after making a tough boundary.
I guess I would drop the Often.
Creating boundaries literally changed my life and set in place a new pattern.
I have been building this pattern now for 18 years and I love the tapestry it has weaved together. The way the dark moments bought me brilliant clarity. The very things I thought would break me - delivered to me strength and empowerment.
My journey is colorful and heart wrenching beautiful. Today I celebrate the brilliant pattern of complex simplicity of being truthfully me.
I have lived two life patterns.
One I was following the generations who came before me.
In the second, I took the road untraveled.
On the untraveled road I broke trail, I made mistakes, wrong turns and false starts. I felt lost, alone, vulnerable, scared, and often hopeless. Turning back was never the answer.
I knew who followed me.
I also felt empowered, strong, connected to myself and the universal energy of love.
I grew to trust my instincts and to honor my feelings.
On the new untraveled road I discovered me.
I am very grateful and content to be who I am. I am okay on the untraveled road now.
I am used to being different.
I am okay estranged.
My family wounds are faint upon my heart.
My heart now holds so many new and wonderful experiences, loves and friendships.
I am no longer a stranger in a strange land.
Rather I feel at home on the untraveled road.
