IMPERFECT Lady

Be Yourself

"Every year you make a resolution to change yourself. This year make a resolution to be yourself."  Author Unknown

 

My granddaughter and I were in the basement creating - there is a chair that is painted with a collage of words - "Be the Real you" is one of the phrases.  She asked, "Grandma what does that mean?"

I said, "When you feel sad - just be sad - don't pretend to be happy." She says, "Oh". 

 

(Here I am at my display of my art therapy quilts. Being Me.)

I know that sounds simplistic - and I also know it isn't always easy to just be your real self. However, life is so so much more simple when you can.

It may be my age - but the older I get the less patience I have pretending or hiding. 

 

Making a resolution to Be Yourself - will be life changing.

It reminds me of the year Martha Beck had - where she didn't lie.  Even the little ones - where you say you're okay, when you are not.

(This was posted on Instagram - capturing me on my way to a ladies camping trip.Totally winning at summer!)

 

At first it may seem uncomfortable, especially if you are used to hiding your real self - but over time, as you become more real - your life will be more comfortable for you to be in it.

As I look back over 2022 - looking through my photos, which are many - I had another wonderful year.  Family, Friends, Art and Adventures.  Life is good. 

I tried new new things and look forward to learning some more.

I had way too much fun -  Days of joy = a year of fun.

I am not one who is happy to see this year go - I will hold on to so many memories that I made.

And look forward to making more.  

Exploring new rivers.

And Bike paths.

And, hiking trails.

Sharing my Art and finding new friends.

As the new year approaches, I look forward to more of what I love.

May you have a year stuffed full of what makes you You.

 

Thank you to all who shared your time we me this past year and I look forward to more moments that bring me smiles as I scroll through my photos.

 

Your year will hold every choice you make - I hope you say yes to doing more of what the real you wants to do. 

May your New Year's resolution be - Be Yourself.  

 

 

Feeling Unworthy

Sending love to the deconstructed
church kids that have a weird
relationship with Christmas.
The melancholy or isolated
the ones doing their best to salvage
the good stuff. The ones reimagining
it for the kids, or tossing it altogether.
You're seen and you're doing great.

This was posted by a friend on Facebook.

 

It sorta captures my feelings about Christmas.

 

There is a melancholy for sure.

 

Music and songs from the long ago religion being sung.

Distance and lost faith.

While I feel free - there are now disturbing memories attached to the songs.

 

It isn't that I am seeking any religion to fill this gap.

But, during these holidays it leaves you feeling bereft.

 

Reminders of religion are everywhere and you are sorta made to feel less than, when you don't have a good relationship with faith. Like a true sinner.

 

When folks urge you to "keep Christ" in Christmas - I feel their overbearance.

Christmas lost its innocence - when I lost my faith in religion.

It now carries certain tones and expectations - unmet.

 

I wish there were christmas songs for the deconstructed church kids. For those of us who live outside of faith.

 

I thought of faith and hope and love this christmas.

And, I find those can be non-religious, and more - sentiments of love.

 

It would be good if you could salvage the good from the bad and make a mismatched christmas - that was more about love and less about christ.

 

I do have a problem with a god who has a special child.

Just as I would have trouble with a parent who had one.

 

My heart weeps for me as a child - in a religion that made her feel less than.

The unworthy child.  

 

O Holy Night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary soul rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!

My new belief is that each child is born worthy - complete and sin free.

It is only our minds that create them less.

 

Like I said, a complicated relationship now with songs of christmas.

If we were all taught we were perfect just as we are, then we wouldn't need a religion to 'save' us.

It seems that it creates the lack and then sells the fulfillment.

 

My reimagined Christmas is love.

Where each person is perfect. 

We don't need to add or take away anything.

Our worth isn't dependent upon someone else.

 

I love my kids just as they are. They don't have to do a thing to become more worthy - and the same for my little grandchildren. I would hate for them to even think for a moment they were not whole and complete just as they are.

 

I am grateful for love and the love I have for my family and friends - and total acceptance of who they are. There is nothing I could add to make them whole. 

 

At the end of the day I am relieved that it is over - tucked away for another year.

The ghosts of feeling unworthy.

 

 

 

Sees her Child

My annual correspondence arrives.

"Have a birthday doing what is important to you. 

I treasure the memories of your years with our family.

You were a great help and I was proud of all you accomplished.

I am your mother always and my love is forever.

Hugs 

Mom"

 

She pops in every year - a ghost from my past proclaiming her title and love.

 

Each year it is about how I affected her life, and never about how she impacted mine.  

 

I don’t even know where to begin to begin to process this.

 

There is always a little girl inside of me that is wanting to be seen.

 

She holds treasured memories - of the years that wounded me.

 

Reading her words without knowing the full story, you would think I left a loving mother behind.

 

This is what disturbs and unsettles me and confounds my mind. Our drastically different perceptions of our relationship.

 

Surviving my childhood created a woman who was brainwashed and lived in denial. A woman who was unable to see her own children and their needs.  A woman who sought approval and was a people pleaser.  One who went against the feelings in her body and chose to be a great help in an abusive family.

A woman who had no idea what love was, how to love - even herself.

 

The years she treasured - were the same amount of years I lived codependent.

Years I lived in a cult-like religion - without a voice or a choice of my own body, mind and soul - she treasures years that I see were void of me.

 

The past 18 years of our separation have been to undo the damage - of all those years. 

It cost me dearly to be in her family.

And, it cost me dearly to leave.

 

However my journey has not been for naught.

 

My children and grandchildren really will have years they will treasure in homes of love.

They have parents to feel proud of  - instead of shame.  

I love that their hearts can be bursting with love.

It is my hope of all hopes they won't ever have to live the shame of being raised with abuse.

 

My heart weeps that they will not have to leave their families - and live an awkward life of estrangement.

They won't have to feel the empty spot where parental love should live.  

 

They will instead enjoy years of sibling friendship and memories of real treasures. 

Not memories tainted by abuse and toxic dysfunction.

 

They will know love, real love, forever love by the actions of family who puts a child's welfare first. A treasured love from parents - that is so unfamiliar to me.

 

A mother's and father's love protects a child; always and forever.

 

She speaks of my help and accomplishments in the years I was with her family. She speaks nothing of my years after leaving.

 

She was proud of me then.

 

She actually loves a version of me that is no longer alive.

 

Who I am today - is not someone she knows, loves, or even acknowledges. 

 

She is a mother to the girl in her mind.

For that girl - she is her mother always and her love is forever.

 

But for this me, this girl.  The daughter who walked away - I am invisible to her.

She is incapable of seeing me and the reasons I walked away.

What matters most is - I see Me.

 

The older I get, the more I realize I am one of the lucky ones.

I was able to see.  

You cannot change what you don't acknowledge.

I am so happy I don't have her legacy - I have my own.

I am a mother who sees her child.

 

 

Home On the Untraveled Road

Today I sit with the date December 4th and how 18 years ago I began my journey of leaving my family and church.  

I discovered I was brainwashed and how my perception of reality was gravely affected by abuse and a cult-like religion. 

I marvel at what I survived, and more, who I have become.

 

Those early years are imprinted upon my soul.

The depth of pain my heart suffered - leaves me breathless.

 

But what catches my breath even more - is how I was able to walk forward with so much loss and gather into me, love peace and joy.

 

I don't believe I even dared to dream of the beauty that is my life now.

 

The pattern I was hoping I was creating - was a design that was unknown to me.

It grew choice by choice - with a shaky weak voice - that grew in volume.

Bold choice gathered bolder ones.

 

My life has such depth and breadth.

The early years were the hardest - to get the pattern started.

It was foreign and I was a stranger to myself.

Hoping for a better life for the generations who would follow me, I blindly set forth to create something from the ashes of my past.

 

First though, I had do it for me.

I had to know what love was, how peace felt and to experience joy.

I learned love by mothering the little girl inside of me.

When she was calm - it was my peace.

We learned about joy.

 

Often these came after making a tough boundary.

I guess I would drop the Often.  

Creating boundaries literally changed my life and set in place a new pattern.

 

I have been building this pattern now for 18 years and I love the tapestry it has weaved together.  The way the dark moments bought me brilliant clarity. The very things I thought would break me - delivered to me strength and empowerment.

 

My journey is colorful and heart wrenching beautiful. Today I celebrate the brilliant pattern of complex simplicity of being truthfully me.

I have lived two life patterns.

One I was following the generations who came before me.

In the second, I took the road untraveled.

 

On the untraveled road I broke trail, I made mistakes, wrong turns and false starts. I felt lost, alone, vulnerable, scared, and often hopeless.  Turning back was never the answer.

I knew who followed me.

I also felt empowered, strong, connected to myself and the universal energy of love.

 

I grew to trust my instincts and to honor my feelings.

On the new untraveled road I discovered me.

 

I am very grateful and content to be who I am. I am okay on the untraveled road now.

I am used to being different.

I am okay estranged.

My family wounds are faint upon my heart.

My heart now holds so many new and wonderful experiences, loves and friendships.

 

I am no longer a stranger in a strange land.

Rather I feel at home on the untraveled road.