IMPERFECT Lady

Circle of Women Relatives

Ghosts from my past can walk up at anytime and say hello. They can ask how I am doing and then go for a swim. They can lay on the beach and read for hours near me.

 

It is all curious.

 

Curious we are sisters.

 

Living worlds apart.

 

Very close today.

 

Completely different.

 

Other relatives swam - I didn't recognize them.

 

A beautiful beach afternoon - overcast with memories.

 

Sunshine, warm sand, clear water - two strangers now.

There is much unknown.

Her path and mine.

 

I don't know hers.

She can't know mine.

 

Words that could fill the lake - would leave us both exactly where we are.

 

Estranged.

 

The little wave - when we first recognized each other - would have been enough acknowledgement for me.

 

I am curious - but not really wanting to engage.

 

So, it was shocking to hear a voice come up along side of me - saying Hi.

 

The pleasant niceties lasted a minute or two.

 

I wonder what propelled her to me.

 

Being kind?

We both brought family with us to the lake.

Our chance encounter - wasn't like we 'wanted' to meet. That she sought me out - but once I was in her line of vision - she approached.

 

Not the time for deep investigating into her world - into her choices and how were they working.

 

Comparing - maybe our lives.

I would have questions - how would she answer.

Who is she now?

I wonder if her denial is deeper - or are there cracks starting to show.

 

I wonder what she saw as she looked at me?

 

Mostly I watched two girls play, giggle and have the best day.

I sat there grandma - grateful of my choice to be estranged.

Grateful for the separation.

Hand stitching on a quilt.

Sun warm on my body.

Waves in my ear.

My heart at peace with my choice.

 

The ghosts of my past were on the left of me - and on my right the future.

Her innocence is worth the distance I have walked from my family of origin - worth feeling the awkwardness of a stranger we once knew.

 

Sitting there I felt my age or maybe more, my wisdom and empowerment - my strength.

 

The day changes with these encounters - they leave an essence on me - a brush with the past - a lingering of wonder.

 

I would love a real deep dive into the truths of our lives.

And yet it would be horrifying.

 

I wonder if she would have sat to have an eye to eye - heart to heart chat?

 

Perhaps if we were alone.

 

I wonder what she'd really want to know about me?

 

Lately nieces have asked to be my friend on Facebook and Instagram. An easy way to approach someone - a distant relative.  I wonder what the nieces would like to know about me?

More, I wonder what they have been told. 

 

I am the oldest girl in this family of women.

An odd character - I left before some of them were born - or just little babies.

They have always known me as the odd man out.

The old aunt who doesn't come around.

 

Part of me would love to know their hearts and yet my heart probably couldn't bear it.

 

The reason for my estrangement comes front and center. The power that propelled me was abuse - my heart knew it couldn't be with those who could see the side of the abuser(s) more than the child.

 

Sitting on the beach today two sides were there.

We both stood on different sides. 

Between us years of silence.

 

A photograph of the beach scene today - would not reveal all the interconnected disconnected strings of relatives - together on a beach separated.

 

All I know is that if any woman/girl in this relative pool asks me why I am out here - my heart will be at peace - for I can fully own my choices to be on this side of history.

The girls who walked away.

 

Girls who found their self-worth.

 

Girls who left trying to end the cycle of abuse.

 

Girls who felt the truth in the bodies that never lie.

 

Girls who left family - to save family.

 

 

I see the relative girls and I wonder.

Wonder what has been communicated and what stays silent.

Wonder if I spoke - would I be heard.

 

As I go to bed tonight - my heart and soul are peace with the road I am on.

I can't know how the women relatives sleep.

 

I wonder if one day I will have a heart to heart with one of them.

I hope one is curious as I am.  Who wants to know about the family tree's outcast and why her limb is different.

Today I didn't feel the shame or negative feelings of being different.

Being different today feels like a fun piece of art.

A freedom of expression.

Perhaps like an eccentric aunt.

 

An odd caricature in the circle of women relatives.

 

Perceive

Almost 19 years later and I am still wrestling with things in my mind - trying to understand the things that can't be understood. 

I am not sure if folks who were not abused look so deeply into life and people and their actions or intentions; but I am stuck here trying to figure me out.

 

Not only myself, my traits, my beliefs, my mind - but also humanity at large.

What makes a person good or evil?

What makes a person unforgivable - and often this is me.

I am unforgivable - yet my mother is forgiven - yet what did I do?

 

How bad am I?

 

How are we constructed into being a good person, and how much does it take for us to slide off the scale of good into bad.

Are we as good as our worst behavior or action?

Is there a spectrum of good and evil?

 

In my old church the evil was forgiven and sins tossed into a sea called grace.

Folks who did bad things, could return to their goodness - evil never stuck.

 

My mind is having a hard time trying to come up with a clear definition or concept of good and evil - and if there can be good people who do bad things.

 

My mind wants this to be cut and dried - good OR evil - not good with a smidgen of bad.

 

Once my brainwashed mind cracked and I saw truth and reality - I also became more discerning about actions - words grew faint.

 

I watched how people moved and who they stood by and what they championed.  I colored them by their own behaviors; while questioning my harsh judgements.

I kinda felt pangs of guilt using the word "judgement" like who does she think she is....

 

So, I looked up the definition of Judgment to see if that is something to be shameful for.

"The ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions."

 

The church was forever preaching against judging - and that God would be the Judge someday - that we were not to judge.  An old guilt system arose as I saw myself judging.

 

What is interesting that I question my judgment - almost more than their actions.

This I feel becomes a smoke screen for the evil folks - where they want us looking inward and not outward at what they are doing.

Especially folks who are behaving poorly.

 

My head hurts trying to figure out what's more true that there are good people who do bad things - or are there just good and bad folks.  That there are some bad actions that can sit in harmony with good.

What else stirs my mind into crazy thinking are the people who can switch sides. 

It is like they don't have their own standard - but can flow from side to side.

 

What does that mean?

 

Is it possible to not sit on a side?

Can you flow detached - and is that being neutral?

 

Is there a place to stand against evil and be with evil all at once?

Where is it and how is this achieved?

 

Oh and the other thing that comes into my thoughts, is how we see people how they treat us.  

 

My husband said about a person that I no longer want to speak with - is that he's always been kind to me.

 

I get this.

I am not expecting him to follow my lead.

But, what I feel is that folks can be kind to one person and then completely evil to another. And, that often we don't see others until they turn on us.

So is this person good as my husband's experience - or a not so good person -like feel he is?

 

It leaves me to believe we can be good and evil - it all depends upon our perception and our experiences - and how others see and experience us.

"A common saying is "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," which means beauty doesn't exist on its own but is created by observers. That famous quote can help you remember that a beholder is someone who sees or otherwise experiences things, becoming aware of them. To be a beholder, you have to pay attention."

I like the fact that beholders have to pay attention.

I am a beholder - now.  

It cost me to much to not pay attention.

 

So goodness is in the eye of the beholder - but does that mean they are good?

It could also mean the beholder isn't paying close attention.

 

I feel that many people don't really want to be a beholder, they instead have a lazy relationship with reality and feel they are kinder if they see only good in others.

 

This part can really get my mind going.

What is kindness?

I believe kindness is often misdiagnosed.

Kindness -"Kindness is a type of behavior marked by acts of generosity, consideration, rendering assistance or concern for others, without expecting praise or reward ..."

Many times when folks are asking us to be kind, what they really are asking is for us to be beholders that overlook the poor actions of others.

 

Be kind, you don't know what battles the person is dealing with.  Withhold your judgment...  

 

I am not sure that is what kindness does.

To me, kindness stands and faces the truth.

If a person is doing bad - acting poorly, and if they were someone I was close to - it seems like it would be more kind to pay attention.  Kindness to me faces reality no matter what reality is revealing.

 

The lesson from this writing for me - is that I am a beholder that pays attention.  I see the wrongdoings of others and that directs my interactions - or distance based on what I see.

Even hear.

 

I trust my friends, if they tell me a person was mean or treated them poorly - that person is someone I want distance from.  If someone treated my child poorly, I will act like that was done to me - and keep my distance.  I don't know if this is normal or healthy. 

I just can't pretend to pretend to pretend - that I have information about their character. I am just not good at fake friendships. Nor do I want to be close to or spend time with someone I know who can hurt others.

 

Just interesting about being a beholder.  I am a beholder who pays attention to the actions of others - and move accordingly.

 

This piece reminded me how the beholders see one person- each see something different.

 

There are beholders who will never see clearly - if they don't want to know the truth.

I am learning life is all about what you perceive. 

 

Perceive

Almost 19 years later and I am still wrestling with things in my mind - trying to understand the things that can't be understood. 

I am not sure if folks who were not abused look so deeply into life and people and their actions or intentions; but I am stuck here trying to figure me out.

 

Not only myself, my traits, my beliefs, my mind - but also humanity at large.

What makes a person good or evil?

What makes a person unforgivable - and often this is me.

I am unforgivable - yet my mother is forgiven - yet what did I do?

 

How bad am I?

 

How are we constructed into being a good person, and how much does it take for us to slide off the scale of good into bad.

Are we as good as our worst behavior or action?

Is there a spectrum of good and evil?

 

In my old church the evil was forgiven and sins tossed into a sea called grace.

Folks who did bad things, could return to their goodness - evil never stuck.

 

My mind is having a hard time trying to come up with a clear definition or concept of good and evil - and if there can be good people who do bad things.

 

My mind wants this to be cut and dried - good OR evil - not good with a smidgen of bad.

 

Once my brainwashed mind cracked and I saw truth and reality - I also became more discerning about actions - words grew faint.

 

I watched how people moved and who they stood by and what they championed.  I colored them by their own behaviors; while questioning my harsh judgements.

I kinda felt pangs of guilt using the word "judgement" like who does she think she is....

 

So, I looked up the definition of Judgment to see if that is something to be shameful for.

"The ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions." 

Nothing to be ashamed of.

 

The church was forever preaching against judging - and that God would be the Judge someday - that we were not to judge.  An old guilt system arose as I saw myself judging.

 

What is interesting that I question my judgment - almost more than their actions.

This I feel becomes a smoke screen for the evil folks - where they want us looking inward and not outward at what they are doing.

Especially folks who are behaving poorly.

 

My head hurts trying to figure out what's more true that there are good people who do bad things - or are there just good and bad folks.  That there are some bad actions that can sit in harmony with good.

What else stirs my mind into crazy thinking are the people who can switch sides. 

It is like they don't have their own standard - but can flow from side to side.

 

What does that mean?

 

Is it possible to not sit on a side?

Can you flow detached - and is that being neutral?

 

Is there a place to stand against evil and be with evil all at once?

Where is it and how is this achieved?

 

Oh and the other thing that comes into my thoughts, is how we see people how they treat us.  

 

My husband said about a person that I no longer want to speak with - is that he's always been kind to me.

 

I get this.

I am not expecting him to follow my lead.

But, what I feel is that folks can be kind to one person and then completely evil to another. And, that often we don't see the evil until they turn on us.

So is this person good as my husband's experience - or a not so good person -like I feel he is?

It leaves me to believe we can be good and evil - it all depends upon our perception and our experiences - and how others see and experience us.

"A common saying is "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," which means beauty doesn't exist on its own but is created by observers. That famous quote can help you remember that a beholder is someone who sees or otherwise experiences things, becoming aware of them. To be a beholder, you have to pay attention."

 

I like the fact that beholders have to pay attention.

I am a beholder - now.  

It cost me too much to not pay attention.

 

So goodness is in the eye of the beholder - but does that mean they are good?

It could also mean the beholder isn't paying close attention.

 

I feel that many people don't really want to be a beholder, they instead have a lazy relationship with reality and feel they are kinder if they see only good in others.

 

This part can really get my mind going.

What is kindness?

I believe kindness is often misdiagnosed.

Kindness -"Kindness is a type of behavior marked by acts of generosity, consideration, rendering assistance or concern for others, without expecting praise or reward ..."

 

Many times when folks are asking us to be kind, what they really are asking is for us to be beholders that overlook the poor actions of others.

 

Be kind, you don't know what battles the person is dealing with.  Withhold your judgment...  

 

I am not sure that is what kindness does.

To me, kindness stands and faces the truth.

If a person is doing bad - acting poorly, and if they were someone I was close to - it seems like it would be more kind to pay attention.  Kindness to me faces reality no matter what reality is revealing.

 

The lesson from this writing for me - is that I am a beholder that pays attention.  I see the wrongdoings of others and that directs my interactions - or distance based on what I see.

Even hear.

 

I trust my friends, if they tell me a person was mean or treated them poorly - that person is someone I want distance from.  If someone treated my child poorly, I will act like that was done to me - and keep my distance.  I don't know if this is normal or healthy. 

I just can't pretend to pretend to pretend - that I don't have information about their character. I am just not good at fake friendships. Nor do I want to be close to or spend time with someone I know who can hurt others.

 

Just interesting about being a beholder.  I am a beholder who pays attention to the actions of others - and move accordingly.

 

This piece reminded me how the beholders see one person- each see something different.

 

There are beholders who will never see clearly - if they don't want to know the truth.

I am learning life is all about what you perceive.