It is the eve of 19 years.
Nineteen years of leaving behind the only life I had known to dare dream of changing the legacy I was born into.
This wasn't a dream of mine.
The truth fell into me - and once you know - you can't not know.
The woman who began this legacy changing journey was only a seed of an idea.
I had no role models or anyone to help guide me along.
My body and I felt our way forward.
We didn't blink or make pretty all the what is - there are in life.
No matter how the truth presented itself, we accepted it.
Loving what is - as Byron Katie says.
I had to love the shocking, heartbreaking, and the betrayals - from family and friends - and embrace reality.
In the early years this was hard - for I wasn't used to standing shoulder to shoulder with my truths and how reality was.
Coming from a family of child sexual abuse, there are so many truths that are unspoken and unaddressed - and I was now the one speaking the unspeakable.
I would not have dreamed that 19 years later I would still be standing alone outside my family of origin - 13 siblings and one parent are alive and well - and continuing to spin the old family legacy - repeating and repeating.
Like an endless mad musical - barely missing a beat.
I remember in years of past December 4th was a hard date.
Breaking my heart as I still stood alone.
My heart isn't as exposed or bare - and maybe more love and peace and joy have surrounded it and hold it up.
I feel grateful.
Deeply grateful for my journey today. I would not trade it for anything.
I am in awe of where I walked, how long and how alone - and yet fully supported by others - non family that feel like family.
My vision was for the generations behind me - not those who I started walking with. In the early days I could feel the weight of having others step in my footprints.
Those foot prints had to matter.
They had to be clear, honest and bold.
My intentions were to stand against abuse.
Against those who supported abuse.
The line to me was clearly seen.
The only way was to walk differently.
To respond differently.
To love differently.
To eagerly welcome all truths and respond in kind.
This woman who sits here today is in awe and has such enormous gratitude to the younger me who set out on this journey, alone, broken and so laid bare. I had no way of knowing I would get to here.
Here being a fuller version of me.
A legacy changer. A woman who will stand up to family and authority and to lead herself where others feared to go.
I had to give up the life I had - in order to get the life I could be proud of.
The younger me who sat with the detective - only knew she would stand beside the little girl inside of her. The wounded Me. It appeared at that time, she was the only one who would.
Those first weeks, months and years were some of my hardest lived. Yet they also carried with them empowering strength building.
In denial we deny what is, the truth, and even how we feel or what we want.
Living a truthful life it is the opposite.
Nothing can be denied.
For to deny is to deny who you are.
On this eve 19 years later, I am who I am there is no denying.
I am comfortable with the new me and the changes I have made.
I am curious of where my family is, what they think and how they feel.
Mostly though, these 19 years later - I think of them less and less.
My life has filled the holes where they used to be.
I could sit with what I lost - Or I can celebrate what I have gained.
I will celebrate tomorrow.
Me
And the journey.
I will celebrate being the woman I needed way back then.
I will celebrate my badassery.