In my old body lives a young girl.
Brokenhearted and at peace.
I feel her most on my left side snuggled under my ribs.
At times she is the lump in my throat.
She is my past and very present.
My heart weeps for her brokenness.
Broken relationships she cannot alone fix.
Her heart craving what is gone.
And loving her present.
I see her pure intentions as a child manipulated and twisted. Her forgiving heart blocking out the reality of horrors. Her innocence used and managed. Lost in the intersections of abuse and cult-like religion - her childhood lost.
A child lost in the sea of adults failing.
She tried to fix their wrongs.
To be a good girl; to want less - feel less - be less - speak less- to disappear and grow small.
And yet to be more.
More kind, more forgiving, more good, more responsible, more helpful.
It was never enough.
I see and feel her trying to achieve the unachievable. For no matter what she did, reality remained the same.
Her failings back then are my goals today.
I am grateful for the tug on my heart of sorrow and empty - for it reminds me to truly live.
She will always feel the brokenness of estrangement, the longing for that family and I am okay with it - and she is overwhelmed with gratitude for the love her heart feels to those she loves today.
I feel the separation and the union of her and I.
We know what love is not.
We know what love is.
We can't fix the past - nor the brokenhearted.
Somehow I feel her broken-heart is the wall between my past and present.
My heart had to break and I had to break up with my family of origin, in order to course correct and to have the love I have today.
This brokenhearted girl rides with me.
I think I thought over time, she would disappear and the new self would take over and she would be but a small blip on my journey.
But my heart tells me different.
It beats differently - separated from those I was raised with.
My sorrow and broken heart is part of who I am.
It rides shotgun and is my constant.
She is part of my heart and love.
Together, this old body, my broken heart and I - we live a great life.
Each of us carry a piece that is needed to feel fully alive.
She fuels my courage to dare and hope and dream and achieve.
It is my intention to live a life with a legacy she can be proud of.
