"Being an active participant in your family of origin in the dying and grieving process brings many profound gifts. Choosing not to be part of it is your choice. Estrangement is a choice and not a life sentence. My experience of this is so different than your last blog. I wrote about it as well." (a comment from my brother on my last post.)
Isn't it always easier to tell someone else what to do - than to just do your thing and let others be.
His words boggle my mind. For he and I shared thousands of hours talking endlessly about abuse and the effects it had on us, our lives, our well being - or the lack thereof.
To insinuate now that I can change my choices seems like insanity talking.
Who are you now?
My gifts were delivered to me when a small girl stood up in our family and spoke the truth about the sexual abuse. It changed my choices then - and it changed me.
That truth, as ugly as it is, allowed me to see who I was, how I came to be, and why.
That little voice changed who my parents were that day.
I was given a reason to make a new choice - and I did.
There hasn't been a reason to undo that choice.
Even as she lay dying, nothing between us changed.
Her physical body is failing.
The voice of truth that dares speak out - allows others to speak theirs. It is that little voice that broke into my brainwashed mind and allowed me to see a reality - I cannot not see. She changed the lens and how I see and how I engage in the world - in how I see me.
Her gift gave me love.
I found profound gifts in the truth of sexual abuse.
My active participation in her family was for 46 years. I was one who helped keep the truth hidden by not listening to my body, to keep the family appearances up and to help her uphold her pretend world. Once I knew what I was participating in, I stopped.
Our last conversation, 19 plus years ago - she directed what was off limits to speak about - her husband and her religion. That didn't leave much room for the truth to be aired.
I left her home, knowing her and I would never see eye to eye on reality, life and family.
Estrangement doesn't have to be a life sentence, if both parties are able to communicate truthfully and be allowed to speak and address the wounds that severed the relationship.
I am unwilling to leave truths at the doorway - in order to be in her presence.
We all have choices to make - and you can change your mind - at any time - for any reason.
And, as they say, you are free to make choices, but not free from their consequences.
I am at peace with my estrangement - for the reason are still very valid.
And with estrangement comes emptiness and feelings of separation - that is normal. And I do miss the family moments, even those in death.
That is the cost of my choice.
Yet the gains are far more.
To name just a few - Love, peace and joy.
I will know when to change my choice.
My heart, body and mind will see a new truth - I will feel the seismic change in the universe - and the choice will be made for me - I follow truth, no matter where it leads.
Thank you for prompting me to examine my choices - to find they still stand.
Rest in peace is for the living.
