There is a humming in the backdrop of my life - a ghostly echo from the past. Most often nowadays, it is barely perceptible - and then voices come in.
Words carrying the wishes, for the lack of a better word, from my estranged mother who is actively dying.
When my answer is different than her wants - it appears that I have turned judgmental.
"Hopefully you are never judged by people who never walked in your shoes." A brother.
If and unless, I do her bidding, then I am seen as judging her.
Is it judging to want to do something opposite of her wants?
Others seeing me as judging her - based on my opposite choices - has always confounded me. For I don't feel that I am in judgement - in fact, I am more concerned about how my choices affect me - inside - and how they sit right with what I know my truth and reality is.
I had to google, What motivates people to judge someone, just to see what came up.
"As with projection, feelings of inadequacy tend to be closely related to insecurity, as are many reasons for a judgmental mentality. If someone feels inadequate about something, they may be more likely to mock or belittle others who have a healthier—or simply different."
"People judge others to avoid reckoning with potential feelings of inferiority and shame. Since judging others can never give a person what they really need, they feel like they have to keep doing it. One can choose not to perpetuate the cycle of judgment."
What is interesting to me about this - is that judgment is coming from the lower place of feeling shame and inferior. It doesn't come from the place of being healthier and more aware of yourself and self-love. Which of course it wouldn't.
After reading that I wonder who is judging who?
Parents write upon the clean slate of a child. They will either raise their self worth or lower it. In my case my slate lowered my worth. I was eclipsed by their needs.
It has taken me many years to wipe that slate clean, to right if you will their wrongs. I no longer carry the shame that is theirs to carry.
In separating out what actions are theirs and what responsibilities are mine - I began re-defining me.
I wasn't who they wanted me to be.
In my heart of hearts I do not feel I am judging.
I am instead making choices based on what feels right for me, what actually will raise my level of integrity.
What I also know to be true, is that my choices - are not viewed as kind, loving or with a heart.
I get it.
It isn't the right choice for you.
As she lay dying - it doesn't change how I feel inside of me - or want me to make a new choice.
In the end of the end, I continue to honor our estrangement.
For us, it will be a life sentence.
It was a choice. A healthy response for me. I found my soul's worth on the outside.
As they hold vigil close.
I will be outside.
Two generations of women - each of us are walking our own path.
We each carry our own legacy and the past littered with a million choices.
We will reap what we sow and our hearts carry what we love.
She is now a stranger I once knew, and her path, one I used to walk on.
May she rest in Peace.
"I don't know what's best for me or you, or the world. I don't try to impose my will on you or anyone else. I don't want to change or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That's true love...." Byron Katie
