On Father's Day it is a time for honoring those men who are great dads and for some of us this day literally catapults us back into bad memories.
These holidays will automatically bring up the person in your life you called Dad.
I started calling my father by his given name, for he lost the right to the word Dad.
It doesn't matter that I am 65 - I watch other older folks still remembering their fathers with love, joy and wistfulness -and the little girl inside me feels its absence.
I think a part of me will always be sadden by the empty spot in my heart where a dad lived.
My memories are now so distorted and broken - false pretend dad moments.
When I think of his legacy and how a brother suggested to me that "Estrangement is a choice and not a life sentence", it sorta seems like I could trade him in for a new dad in my mind.
That you could preform some inner mental magic trick and a dad would appear where a pedophile used to be.
Blaming me for making a poor choice - and not re-writing history.
Inside of me the truth is resolute.
I know love now.
I know what a wonderful father is - and it wasn't me who created it or made that choice.
My husband is a loving dad.
My children have something to celebrate on Father's Day.
When you put your children first, when you make choices based on what is best for the family, you are showing them what love does.
A father's choices are no longer his alone. They will have a ripple effect that is felt for generations. He leaves an imprint upon their hearts. And the lucky ones feel love.
Intellectually I can see how my legacy could be no different.
I get it. Patterns and cycles were repeated.
Emotionally the little girl in me wishes...
The woman I am today - is forever grateful that the patterns changed with me.
My children will hold love in their hearts for their dad.
When I see a man being a loving dad, a man who loves his children's mother, a man who enjoys being with his kids and helping in their raising, I get emotional - I know the child will feel his love.
It is hard to articulate the vast difference between what a loving dad does and what one who is not. Those whose demons made their choices - left children in their wake whose lives were much more difficult to navigate.
We inherit a legacy we need to course correct.
So many babies are now being born in nature and the mothers/fathers are quite engaged in protecting the child. Humanity is often not that lucky.
My heart aches for those who carry an empty hole where a dad should be and I am grateful for those who have a full heart.
