Cognitive Dissonance - "Cognitive dissonance occurs when a person's behavior and beliefs do not complement each other or when they hold two contradictory beliefs. It causes a feeling of discomfort that can motivate people to try to feel better. People may do this via defense mechanisms, such as avoidance."
A friend used this term in a conversation we were having - and I had to go and look up the definition.
"Examples of cognition include paying attention to something in the environment, learning something new, making decisions, processing language, sensing and perceiving environmental stimuli, solving problems, and using memory."
Dissonance means - "lack of agreement. the dissonance between the truth and what people want to believe. especially : inconsistency between the beliefs one holds or between one's actions and one's beliefs compare cognitive dissonance."
This phrase struck a cord with me and seems to nicely encompass the land where I was raised.
I was born into cognitive dissonance - where beliefs/faiths and behaviors were at odds.
Living in sea of contradictions leaves you without a solid foundation.
You build a self based on nothing.
The foundation of who we are lives in the connection of what we believe and how we act.
What this means is integrity where our actions match who we are.
I looked up integrity to make sure.
"The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness."
I was raised in a church that supposedly had high moral principles and moral uprightness - same within my family.
I believe - they both believed it.
I however have come to know, they couldn't act in harmony of what they believed.
It is easy to believe in something.
It is much harder to walk it out.
To stand against abuse often means standing against family. It means to hold them accountable for behaviors. There is no 'forgiveness' that will undo certain behaviors.
Being raised in the religion where 'sins' could be washed away - leaves you living in a false land. It forces you to not see what is right before your eyes and live more in your head - in make-belief world - separated from facts.
I know this sounds like insanity and perhaps it is.
To be born into cognitive dissonance, left me crippled cognitively.
It was normal for things not to match.
I didn't doubt them or correct them.
This also worked for me - I could have a lazy relationship with myself and others.
I didn't hold myself accountable - or others
I didn't speak a truth or feeling or stand up.
My lack of integrity was normal coming from whence I came.
After leaving my family and religion, I was drawn to nature.
Nature was.
A tree was a tree.
A duck looked like a duck, walked like a duck and quacked.
Anytime now when things don't add up - I am pushed back from them.
I no longer am okay with cognitive dissonance in others.
For often the reason they don't add up is that they are unwilling to dance with the truth.
They want their cake and eat it too.
I understand how my family of origin wanted a family - a father and mother - and not to instead act like it was a pedophile and his accomplice.
(An accomplice is defined as a person who knowingly, voluntarily, or intentionally gives assistance to another in (or in some cases fails to prevent another from) the commission of a crime. An accomplice is criminally liable to the same extent as the principal.)
I feel like I am now allergic to those who live in cognitive dissonance - for there doesn't seem to be a foundation of moral strength - where they can have correct action in the face of truths that are hard to be with.
It is easy to be in a family where there are no hard truths to reconcile or a religion that doesn't knowingly not report abuse. You truly can't know the foundation of someone until you are faced with ugly truths.
This phrase, cognitive dissonance is the content of my upbringing - and it has colored the actions of my siblings. It is also the reason I am not interested in having a relationship with them. For there doesn't appear to be something to hold on to.
At face value, it appears to be kind to forgive and move on - but sadly you are moving on without the truth.
After living in denial and in the land of cognitive dissonance - I am unwilling to go back there.
Inside of me knows, back there is a hollow place.
