“Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break. It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles - than facing the possibility of jumping -and not landing on your feet.” It Ends With Us. Colleen Hoover
"It Ends With Us" is a work of fiction based loosely on her mother's experience.
When you are born into a cycle that holds abuse - and you don't change the pattern, you are bringing your children into that same cycle. My childhood love allowed bad behaviors.
There is a point where you are given a hard choice - to do something different or just go along not making waves.
The cycle you are born into wasn't of your own making - however - when you recognize the pattern is about to be repeated with you - you decide to carry on - or to stop.
Stopping is not in the family's legacy in most abusive cycles. It will require great courage to abruptly stop.
I don't think most understand what it takes to end the cycles and legacy of abuse.
It isn't words spoken or truth exposed.
Creating a new cycle is more about self responsibility. To see the cycle you are part of - and your hand in it - and then determining how it will go from you.
Will your children see you repeat your mother's pattern.
My mother's role in the cycle of abuse, was to forgive it away - and then carry on as if the abuse WAS gone. She blindly and repeatedly forgave, again and again and again for decades. Even IF she wasn't the one abusing, She was the one allowing it to go on - by simply not breaking the cycle of forgiveness.
I know forgiveness sounds kind.
Compassionate even perhaps.
But forgiveness without action of distancing your self and your children from an abuser, is not kind. It is to be an accomplice.
There was a moment in my life, where the cycle became crystal clear to me - I saw myself in the cross hairs of the truth and where my mother's reactions and mine had diverged.
Something inside of me merged with the truth and I was unable or even unwilling to let it go. In that moment a new cycle began. I didn't wipe the truth away with forgiveness.
Her cycle overlooked the child and their wounds.
My new cycle was to see the wound and who did it - and set up boundaries.
It comes with a cost.
And a reward.
The cost is to be in a cycle that is different from my family of origin. Who have continued on - forgiving - showing other abusers that they have nothing to fear. Our family cycle was to turn a blind eye to the abuse and focus instead on family. Loving them - no matter what. No boundaries are set against bad behaviors, criminal or otherwise.
Forgiveness was how my family cleaned up its messes.
The cost of forgiveness is for the child to bear. The abused child carries the weight of pain and grief. Wrestles with holding on to love - where love is hurting.
A new cycle begins when you decide no more.
When you remove yourself from the flow of familiar.
The excruciating process is when you step out - you are stepping out of family.
Most will not clap for you and cheer you on.
It seems insane, that you will have to traverse alone out of the cycles of abuse.
You are going against familiar and truly not knowing if the new way will land you on your feet. Or are you going from the frying pan to the fire.
You can't know, until you are far far into your new cycle, if you achieved your goal.
In reading her book, it made it clear the emotional and heart wrenching task it is to break the cycles. Which is why very few do. It is a lonely road.
Labor Day weekend has become a reunion of sorts for my family of origin. Rumor has it this year it came with the spreading of my mother's ashes.
An ending of an era - it would seem.
She has left her pattern downloaded in many.
Her cycles continue on.
If I look at my life from the vantage point of her family - mine is desolate.
However when I see me in my new cycle - it is bountiful.
My children now have choices of my old cycle or my new.
It isn't up to me to choose.
My part was jumping - and figuring it out as I go.
Using my body, heart and soul to decide what is an environment where children will be safe.
I have boundaries.
and love that doesn't come with pain.
I understand the cycle of forgiveness - for you get to keep family.
I understand the cycle of boundaries - you lose family.
But the cost of forgiveness within families where abuse happens - continues to create new victims. Sadly, in our case small children.
My life's work is to continue on creating a new pattern - knowing it will impact the generations after me.
Each of my children also will find themselves at a cross road and will get to decide which road they take. What their own legacy will be.
We are all free to choose, but as they say we are not free from the consequences of the choice.
