"Imperfect Grandma" - is the only book I can write.
I M Perfect and it is impossible not to be.
I wanted to leave my grandchildren an idea of who I am, perhaps impart some wisdom - and since I have nothing to pass on from the generation before me - words and who I am are what I can give.
In the family ways, I am imperfect - I left my family.
And its beliefs.
Who I am and where I come from are not topics of most family holidays.
My childhood family traditions - feel unworthy - or perhaps it feels like cheating to carry forth pieces of what I left behind. And they are flavored by the dysfunction and estrangement.
As a grandma - I am seen differently - vastly different depending upon who you ask.
I am piece of my family that broke free - and there are many still being family without me.
My family tree is mainly - a limb - the branch who is estranged.
I am not the perfect grandma who is attached to a long string of women - well I am - but not ones I can celebrate. The perfect strings hold love, trust, peace, hope, joy, caring, wisdom... The strands and strings of my tapestry show the legacy of abuse.
In order to write about me, those stands are tangled into me - I am unable to separate them - they are a part - an integral part of me.
My history is part of me - and without that truth - you won't understand why I stepped away from family. And, you won't know how I became the grandma I am today.
I have been pondering a book to write so my grandchildren have my story spoken from me. I want them to know me - for there is much of my family I no longer know.
More than me, I want them to know the history they come from on my side.
It is important to me that there isn't silence.
I want to find a way to share my story, my art and what I stand for - in a way that isn't too dark; but one I hope will inspire them to be themselves, to own their feelings, to speak their truth, to dare to stand alone, and to be okay being imperfect.
I want them to know, you can be at your darkest and still find a way back to joy. To be broken and feel love. To dance with the spectrum of opposites.
What is funny, is that I thought I could write the perfect grandma book - only to realize that once again, my team of grandmas are imperfect.
I can't write a perfect grandma book, for I am not perfect.
But it seems to me there will lots I can say about Imperfect Grandma.
I feel inspired by "Imperfect Grandma".
I feel relief being in alignment with imperfections.
I had to go look up imperfect - to make sure it will suit this grandma.
"not perfect; faulty or incomplete."
And I feel it does. I was a faulty daughter, sister and even Aunt.
I do feel incomplete or whole - as in part of something. I am missing my family of origin.
While I am not broken - I am not whole.
Imperfect Grandma - is willing to go there and speak what isn't spoken.
The writings of Imperfect Grandma - feel right for me.
Perhaps I have the image
This is me - Proudly Failing at who they wanted me to be.
Imperfect Grandma
