IMPERFECT Lady

Loyal to the dysfunction.

"Step One Summary" in Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.

"Step One requires that we admit that our family is dysfunctional and the dysfunction affects our thinking and behavior as adults. We must admit that we are powerless over the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home. Our lives are unmanageable regardless of appearances of self-sufficiency. Social standing or compulsive self-reliance does not equal recovery. We must realize that will power or self-determination is no match for the effects of growing up in a sick family. We cannot figure it out on our own. We need help. We must shatter the illusion that we can reason out a painless solution."

"The shares (stories they shared) also represent the critical separation-from family work, which is necessary to gain clarity about our lives. Separating from our families means setting healthy boundaries and removing ourselves from abusive situations and family crises, which are common for dysfunctional homes. Many times adult children struggle in their ACA program because they cannot seem to break ties with destructive or manipulative relatives. We cannot grow and find our true inner selves as long as we engage in family dysfunction that is draining and unhealthy."

"Separating from our dysfunctional family is a healthy act of defiance. By doing so, we are challenging the authority of the family lie.  We are making a statement that we will no longer be loyal to denial and dysfunctional family roles.  This can seem frightening, but we have the support of our ACA group."

"Many adult children separate from their families with love not abandonment.  They need time away to focus on themselves and to disconnect from the gravitational pull of a dysfunctional family home. At an appropriate time, we review the relationship we want to have with our families. We will choose to avoid some family members because of they are draining or abusive. Other relatives will accept us and encourage us on our new path even though they may not understand or be willing to walk this way with us. ACA can improve our relationship with our families with the knowledge that we do not have to participate in their dysfunction. We are free to live our own lives." 

Further on they write....

"Amazingly, an estimated 50% of adult children of alcoholics deny or cannot recognize alcoholism among their families. By growing up in a dysfunctional home we become desensitized to the effects of alcoholism, abusive behavior, and lack of trust."

"Recovery from the effects of an alcoholic and dysfunctional upbringing is a process, not an event.  We need to be patient with ourselves. We need to be honest about our own behavior and the thinking we developed while growing up in our family of origin...."  ACA

This first step or recognizing our family has a problem and that we are saturated with it...is the surrender that is needed. 

I can recall when it dawned on me, the weight, the breath and the depth of the dysfunction and how far reaching it was...like a spreading virus it seemed to be everywhere and how I was unable to even begin to begin fixing it IN others let alone me.

The collapse of the lies and the shock and awe of reality...was horrifying and very freeing.

In the moment I was convulsed with sobs of not being big enough to handle the big mess; was the moment I gave up.

It was then that I was able to let them go and deal with me.

And Me, was a big enough mess to sort out.  There was no part of me that wasn't infected.  None.  All my relationships had me in them, and my thinking and behavior was created from a dysfunctional family home.

Again, the only one place where it didn't appear was in my quilting.  It was a dysfunctional free zone.  It was a mindless adventure in Art....where I was free from the mental mind.

My separation wasn't to ask for space, It was literally my only chance for survival. I walked away or was shut down when I spoke of the mentalness or dysfunction I could see. 

I saw what they couldn't and still can't.  It isn't that the dysfunction ONLY lived in my parents, IT is everywhere.  Their minds infected ours and we passed it on to our children....

Step One says...."We have found that family dysfunction is a disease that affects every member of the family. In the individual it affects the body, mind and spirit. The disease of family dysfunction is pervasive and resilient. The disease is progressive. Our relationships become more violent, controlling, or isolating, depending on which path we take.  Our "addictiveness" to work, sex, spending, eating, not eating, drugs, and gambling, progress as well, depending upon our path."

"Morever, the disease is generational, which means the traits and thoughts you have at this moment have been passed down from generations hence. Relief from the disease occurs when we do Step work, attend Twelve Step meetings, and seek a Higher Power's guidance. By admitting we are powerless over the effects of family dysfunction and that our lives have become unmanageable, we are ready to move onto Step Two."  ACA

The insidiousness of dysfunction IS that our minds and behaviors are so tainted by it, we can't even see it.  We are it. And we have to use our abused minds to right our worlds.

I know this can be done...and what it takes is truth.

Truth is the only thing that will disrupt the spreading of this disease of dysfunction.

What truly separated me from my family is the truth and my willingness to follow it and no longer be loyal to the dysfunction.  

 

 

 

 

Is Not Love.

Over the past years that I have been speaking out so frankly about my dysfunctional family and MY own dysfunction... and kindness has been challenged and used as a tool to ward off any action...of self awareness...self responsibility and self love. 

Many will tell me, "they are going to overcome their abuse by being kinder."  Kind and forgiving and loving.  They will not become one who hurts others.

So many victims of child abuse believe that they will become one who hurts another if the truth were to leak out.  If they were to hold the perpetrators accountable.  If they were to set up boundaries against the one who hurt them, THEN THEY THEMSELVES ARE HURTERS.

What I would say to you all "kind" folks...does it work?

If you are not truthful to unkind people do you get love and kindness back?

If this philosophy worked, would our world not be heaping full of kind folk?

How is it, just in my family alone, that kindness DID NOT ERASE OR CEASE the abuse that lived there?

Kindness, forgiveness doesn't work.

And yet child upon adult child, with tears in their faces, love in their hearts BELIEVE it does.

They will go to any lengths to love and be more kinder.

This is another huge factor in the abuse never being dealt with properly. Child and adult children are still waiting for love.

Believing that it is something THEY ARE DOING wrong. 

When children and adult children accept reality they will see that no matter what you do, you can't change another.

In fact, look how hard it is to change your own life.  To even look at what your kindness is changing. 

And, again, if I am viewed as being unkind for speaking my truth....than kindness is to lie.

To pretend is kind.

To deny is kind.

Truth is seen as something that is awful to another?

Now isn't that concept a tad dysfunctional?

In my life now, I celebrate the truth no matter what it is.  I accept it.  I honor it and I respect it.  I have no use for the land of kindness, for most often it will not accept my truth.

Rarely is truth seen as kindness.

And what a huge benefit this is to all the perpetrators of the land. To all the unkind, dysfunctional folks...they love your kindness, for it will never see their evil deeds.

Out of kindness you all look away.

Love to me is truth.

Love without truth is not love.

 

 

 

 

Fell In Love.

             "Adult Children of Alcoholics/dysfunctional families"

"Finding Wholeness through Separation: The Paradox of Independence. The Identity, Purpose and Relationship Committee January 19 1986"

"Separating"

As we struggle to form an identity separate from our "parent" programs, we are also becoming aware of the need to separate emotionally from our alcoholic homes.  Only in complete separation can we find the freedom to express who we are and to create the experience of intimate closeness we so desperately needed as children.

"To Be or Not to Be?"

"The paradox of independence is that only in separation do we find the courage and strength to live in a world as complete human beings, capable of giving and receiving love, of creating out of a sense of wholeness.  In normal separation, children are reassured by leaving and returning to consistent and loving parents, and then carry these parents inside to remind themselves they are safe and loved. As children of alcoholics, we internalize parents who are filled with rage and self-hate and who have projected these feelings onto us. We carry this negative view of ourselves, feeling insecure and frightened of our own self-rejection and of being rejected by others. We remain in the same double-bind we experienced as children, unable to detach from or remain with the people who caused us harm."

"Empowered or Powerless?"

"In a normal home, children also internalize the strength of their parents. They feel securely held by a sense of parental power which gives logic and structure to their lives.  With this foundation and strength, they are able to build a self and create loving intimacy. Children of alcoholics have an overriding feeling of powerlessness for being unable to stop the destructive effects of family alcoholism."   ACA

And, further on it is written about helplessness and powerlessness.

"With Step One, the adult child realizes that he or she is now an adult and that the powerlessness mentioned in the Step One does not engender a denial of feelings or mean that we are helpless. Powerlessness in ACA can mean that we are not responsible for our parents' dysfunctional behavior as children or adults. It means that as adults we are not responsible for going back and "fixing" the family unit.  We are not responsible for rescuing, saving, or healing our parents or siblings who remain mired in family dysfunction. We can detach with love and begin with the gradual process of learning about boundaries. We live and let live."  ACA

It was interesting for me to read "Only in complete separation can we find the freedom to express who we are and to create the experience of intimate closeness we so desperately needed as children."

They are speaking of emotional separation from our dysfunctional families.  And, I know this goes against the grain of society and of what we were taught.  

It seems too strong of a response for most cases and often, I do hear how they can understand why I had to cut the ties, but in the next breath why they would have a hard time doing the same.

I feel the biggest hurdle adult children have in recovery and healing IS this separation.

What it is so hard is the double bind of "unable to detach from or remain with the people who caused us harm."

It is so remarkable and incredulous as I witness the track I find so many adult children of dysfunction standing stuck upon; unable to separate.  Like they are wearing boots of concrete, cemented in the ground.

This is the one most pivotal movement that is needed for the cycle of abuse to end.

There appears to be a force field that is not approachable...where the adult child can't even entertain the thoughts or consider a life beyond...family.

The force field of being bound into a dysfunctional family is incredibly hard to break.  It's field appears to be laced with love, kindness and all manner of 'goodness'.

I am not sure I can accurately articulate the views from either side of this force field.

As a person standing inside the force field, I appear strong and courageous for sharing my story so truthfully.  However, if you were to ask them to do the same, you would get how they are not willing to bring shame upon their family...how they want to be kind and loving.

What I can't get them to see is themselves seeing me differently than they see themselves or perhaps not be able to see Me in themselves.

That they are not willing to either see their families reflected in mine, or see how they too would grow beyond the limits of their families dysfunction IF they were willing to separate.

How can they bring shame upon their family IF I did not bring shame upon mine?

You can't have two versions of one truth.

It is so simple and yet so complex and extremely hard to manage...to walk away from abuse. 

The toughest part of being abused within a family IS that we believe that love is twisted in with the abuse.  And we won't disengage due to not wanting to leave that love behind.

It is my deepest knowing.  Love and abuse can't live in one relationship...

You can't have both.

You only get to pick one.

When I went over the wall and left my family.  I did not leave love behind.

I was going towards love, not away from it.

I was now free to express who I was, to know intimate closeness,to express all manner of emotions and to have feelings love and  joy, and peace.  I went over the wall as a wounded child and fell in love.  

 

 

 

 

The Evidence Lives On!

More from "Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families".

"The internalization of our parents behavior is further brought about by abuse, neglect, or other unhealthy behavior.  We believe that hitting, threats, projection, belittlement, and indifference are the delivery mechanisms that deeply insert the disease of family dysfunction within us.  We are infected in body, mind and spirit. Parental abuse and neglect plant the seeds of dysfunction that grow out of control until we get help."

"There are different definitions of abuse and neglect or other unhealthy behaviors. Our definition is based on adult children facing their abuse and neglect from childhood. For our purposes abuse can be verbal, nonverbal, emotion, physical, religious and sexual."

"Abuse can be a single traumatic event or it can be cumulative events over time.  Some of the signs of abuse and neglect are addiction, codependence, workaholism, and phobias. Because our parents could be worriers or doubters, we can worry obsessively about events that never occurr. Regular worry or anxiety is a sure sign of an internalized parent."

"Abuse creates the same feeling of inferiority and constant fear whether it is physical or verbal-emotional abuse. The person who is physically abused and the person who is emotionally abused end up with the same fears, denial, and lost hope. Physical and emotional abue can both produce post-traumatic stress disorder or stored fear. They create the same wound whether hitting is present or not."

Further on in the chapter....

"But still, a skeptic of the effects of verbal and emotional abuse might say: "These categories of abuse described by ACA are so general that anyone can qualify as being abused or neglected. It seems like youa re saying that anyone who was ever disciplined or corrected by a parent can turn into an addict or another addictive type.  No parent is perfect.  You cannot expect a person to escape childhood without some moments of doubt or fear that are brought by a caring parent who is only human."

"To this we say, a caring parent always raises a caring child and adult. A dysfunctional parent always raises a dysfunctional child and adult. There is no grey area here in our experience.  Our categories of verbal and emotional abuse are not so broad if we concentrate on the type of abuse and the specific effects on the child. In ACA, we are talking about abuse and neglect that involves, belittling, threatening, shaming, hateful and indifferent behavior by parents on a regular basis. This behavior produces a felt sense of shame and fear in the child. This type of parenting creates observable behavior that is self-harming and neglectful when the child grows into an adult. These behaviors are codependence, emotional eating, drug abuse, alcoholism, sex addiction, workaholism, debtors addiction, and gambling addiction. These tend to be the most identifiable behaviors and ususally serve as a layer upon other self-harming behaviors. The ACA description of verbal and emotional abuse is based on specific parental behavior with observable results in the adult."

"Another skeptic of effects of verbal and emotional abuse might say: "Yes. My parents could be harsh, but they meant well. They did not mean what they said. I know they loved me and cared about me." In our experience, this kind of selective recall is a form of denial. To think that our parents could shame us or belittle us for being a vulnerable child is too much for us to accept. Like most children, we wanted to believe that our parents cared about us no matter what they said to us. As adults, we search for any kindness our parents might have shown and ignore clear examples of damaging behavior. Societal pressures help us select memories that are more presentable. We can fear being labeled as ungrateful or as a grudge holder if we stop to question what happened in the home. So we "Forgive and Forget," yet, the ingested harms of childhood work behind the scene to sabotage our relationships and careers. Whether we admit it or not the evidence of the childhood verbal abuse is there in our addiction, codependence, or some other method of neglecting ourselves. There can also be chronic depression and extreme anxiety. Some of us can have panic attacks accompany these behaviors."

"We cannot have it both ways. We cannot say that our childhood was perfect, loving and uneventful and then act out with addiction or other compulsions. People who truly care about themselves will tell you that they learned to do so in childhood. The thought of harming themselves or staying in a controlling relationship does not appeal to them. They do not live as enablers or as people unsure of their purpose in life. If people could learn to believe in themselves as children, then why is it so hard for us to accept that we learned to disbelieve in ourselves as children? This is near the core of our woundedness. We do not believe in ourselves."

"People who truly care for themselves cannot always point to a childhood event that let them know that they were valued by their parents. But their actions show they care about themselves. Conversely, we cannot always point to an incident in our childhood in which we decided we were inferior or defective based on parental messages. Yet, our actions show that we really do not care about ourselves. Despite what we say, we believe that we are incomplete. We compare ourselves to others and usually come up short. There is a hole inside of us that can never be filled with enough food, drugs, sex, work, spending, or gambling. We become more aware of this hole with each failed relationship or job."

"If some of us still doubt a connection between childhood events and adult behavior, then why do we identify with a majority of The Laundry List traits? Why do we fear authority figures and remain in unloving relationshps when others would leave? Why do we judge ourselves harshly? Why the difficulty identifying feelings or separating our emotions from those of another? Why can't we muster the resolve needed to lay down drugs or other problematic behaviors without switching to another destructive behavior?"

"If we have related to this chapter so far, we are left with a decision to consider. We either believe that the way we were raised has a direct link to our compulsions and codependence as adults, or we do not believe it. Through denial, we can ignore evidence and continue to blame others for our decisions and confusion. Yet, if we believe there is a connection, we can choose ACA and pick up tools of recovery. We can begin the journey toward clarity and being truly responsible for our own lives. If we choose recovery, we need help finding out what happened to us so we can change our thinking and behavior. To make progress, we must want the ACA way of life. No one can force us to accept ACA. We have to want it for it to work. ACA is for people who can make the connection between childhood neglect and an adult life of fear and loneliness. ACA works best for people who can name what happened to them and become willing to ask for help."  ACA

How interesting this all is.  From where I am sitting, it is quite remarkable that you would have the traits in adulthood that point to its infection in childhood and still be hell bent in denying it....due to NOT wanting to see your parents hand in your disconnection from loving yourself.

Their lack of love towards you becomes a self dialogue we use.

What a great addition to the usual dialogue in the support groups to see the connection....between who they are as adults to look backwards to see where it all began.

What I love "A dysfunctional parent always raises a dysfunctional child and adult."

No matter what you remember or what you forgive and then forget, or if you are moving on with positive thoughts....the evidence is showing up in your life.  Believe me or disbelieve me, it matters not.  I cannot create or un-create the lives; the evidence lives on.