IMPERFECT Lady

Happy Badass Women's Day

Mother's Day could be women's day - a day where we celebrate the women in our lives that have enriched us, accepted us, honored us, empowered us, loved us, and encouraged us to be more of who we were born to be.  

A day to look back at all the wonderful kind loving women who have stepped in and gave us what we didn't get from our own mothers.  

I have had women who have shown me examples of what a loving means.

Women who displayed boundaries.

Women embraced truths

Women who loved themselves deeply.

Ladies who lived colorful expressive artful lives.

Badass women whose lives are filled with adventures.

These ladies each carry a snippet of Mom for me.

 

The ones who I could share my life trials with and who understood it wasn't the end and offered words of value in hopeless seeming situations.

Those who accepted the transformation of Me - not only accepted; but cheered me on.

And many who have re-introduced me to the outdoors.

 

I am so grateful to so many badass wise women who today - I celebrate.

I love that I have mom energy from so many different women.

I feel I am in a family of female energy that is changing legacies and defining new patterns and leaving in their wake, hope.

And love.

And self acceptance, awareness and confidence in being you.

 

It has taken women from many walks of life and ages to restore me - to shine me up and dust off the brokenness.

I feel a heartwarming melt for you all.

Mother's Day for me will be Women's Day.

Women who live their lives being true to who they are, who are wise and adventurous.  Whose lives may have sucked a time or two - who have found themselves on their knees in grief - but rose to live a life worth celebrating - those who have redefined themselves to fit into their new normal. I honor you today.

I love your examples of living life - regardless of the struggles you have had to overcome - you continue to shine forth and love, live, laugh and find joy.  

Life isn't easy and the older we get the more we realize all the hurtful sorrows do fade or they are surrounded by little moments of good life.  

Happy Women's Day - or maybe Happy Badass Women's Day!

 

 

 

You Will Always Belong

I am reading about Belonging in Brene Brown's Book "Atlas of the Heart - Mapping Meaningful Connections."

"We have to belong to ourselves as much as we need to belong to others. Any belonging that asks us to betray ourselves is not true belonging."

"True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are."

"We can never truly belong if we are betraying ourselves, our ideals or our values in the process. That is why it's a mistake to think that belong is passive and simply about joining or "going along" with others. It is not. Belonging is a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. When we sacrifice who we are, we not only feel separate from others, but we even feel disconnected from ourselves."

"Because we can feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with people, our sense of belonging can never be greater that our level of self-acceptance."

 

What I love most about Belonging, is that you can only belong if you are authentic. 

And the level in which you feel deep belonging is as deep as your own self-acceptance.

 

In her book she writes about the difference between "Belonging and Fitting in"

"Belonging is being accepted for you - Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.

If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, I fit in.

Belonging is being somewhere you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you want to be, but they don't care one way or the other.

Not belonging at school is really hard. But it is nothing compared to what it feels like when you don't belong at home. "

 

I even looked up Self- acceptance to see if I understood that correctly.

"Self-acceptance is defined as “an individual's acceptance of all of their attributes, positive or negative"

 

When I look back at my life and where I am today, I can see how I didn't belong but fit in.

And, there were certain understandings that we all accepted in order to fit in.

 

The longing to belong was the thirst of my childhood.

When perhaps it was me seeking to accept me wholly.

To even know me completely.

 

What is sad to me, is that there are so many of us out there that don't belong.

Because we will not leave ourselves behind in order to do so.

 

When you feel that your whole self is not embraced and accepted - then we tend to back away.

 

The cult-like religions like the FALC - often want you to fit in - and when you don't you feel the shunning.

I had to look up shunning.

"Persistently avoid, ignore, or reject (someone or something) through antipathy or caution."

 

They tend to avoid and ignore those who don't fit in.

 

I don't recall feeling the deep set feelings of belonging.

I myself had very little self-acceptance. I had church acceptance IF I followed their rules.

 

What I know now is any group that doesn't allow you to be you, is not one that sees you.

Even in families - or perhaps especially in families.

She writes about her children and how she wants them to feel.

"As a parent, my goal is to help my children believe in, and belong to themselves, and to know that, no matter what, they always belong at home. That we see them and love them for who they are. The pressure to fit in is real and unrelenting, but if we can create a sense of inextricable connection, it's a fierce protector as they navigate belonging. Be here.Be you. Belong.

 

I will make a quilt with this last three lines. This is my mantra.

That is the space I want to hold for everyone.

As long as you are real, authentic and being you - you will always belong.

 

 

 

The Right Direction

I looked back in my blog and the first time these Story Line Quilts were displayed was July 2012 at the Strawberry Festival Quilt show- almost 10 years ago.

There is a difference in who I was back then, compared to who I am today.

I was more vulnerable back then.

My new life was just 7 years old.

I had been processing, healing, dealing and feeling the truth of so much dysfunction - unraveling and dissecting and discovering - I was freshly exposed.

I had been blogging for 3 years - yet that didn't feel as public as hanging my Art Therapy Quilts in public.

And, it isn't the quilts.  It is the story that rides with them. Or even more, the reaction of folks seeing them.

I was afraid of the backlash.

 

Which I believe is all victims. We hold our silence in fear of what others will say and do.

 

In reading my blog from July 2012 -I wrote about my friend's responses - and how touched they were with the quilts.  Women who have walked with me, cheering me on, who have listened and read my blog - were still moved emotionally by the quilts.

There is something profound in how these quilts seemed to hold emotions, expressions and energy of Me. It is like a part of me resides in each quilt.

Even in their beauty, sorrow and sadness is felt. The challenge of my journey.

 

So, as I look ahead to the Artist Reception - and being with others as they are with my quilts - I believe I will be in a much better place.  

In the 10 years that passed - I have added so much to my life.

Imagine WIND was born that summer too.

There are so many women who I now call Friend, who came to me through WIND.

A community of beautiful, strong, courageous souls who understand that life can take a new direction, whose hearts know tragedy and pain - and yet they live life with open hearts - open to adventure and a new direction.

Within the community of WIND, I have grown both inwardly and outwardly in confidence in the adventures we have shared.

 

There is more distance between where I am today and the deep wound. And, I have more confidence in who I am and what I can do - and even more what I can survive. And, how these shows are not hurtful for me - but have given me so much in return.

 

In the past few weeks I was feeling the weight of being out front.  Of not having a good role model as a mother - to follow.  That in every curve of the road, I have to 'figure' it out. I am having to make the first steps - consciously.  There isn't a true path forward that leads to a loving, happy family. I have to be the one I want to follow - and I am winging it.  I don't know for sure what the lifetime outcome will be - until I can look in the rearview mirror or others can.

 

There are days I just want to glide.

To coast along without a care - behind a loving pattern.

 

My Storyline isn't a follow-line.

 

What I understand, and often feel tired and overwhelmed with, is that I am continually breaking trail. There is no one who will do this for me.  The women who came before me in my family are creating the old pattern where abuse is tolerated, kept silent and often supported subconsciously.

In order to be have a new pattern, I have to make it.  

My story line of quilts shows the woman growing in her self-confidence and worth.

That is the pattern I am building. I am continually growing.

A work in progress.

Still.

 

I am not sure when the gliding comes or if I would even really enjoy it.

 

What I know is that I am at peace with who I am and see the positive outcome from so many tough choices I had to make along the way.  

I like the view looking back at my storyline.

Even if I can't see the finish line - I am going in the right direction.

 

Off to Show My Soul

My quilts are rolled up and loaded into the car - their labels have been printed - they are all set to be put on display.

I was chosen by the Peter White Library Arts Committee to show my art in their Huron Mountain Club Gallery on the first floor at the Library.

They will be there until May 20th.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month, and I am honored to have my Art hanging during this month to help bring awareness. I am hopeful they will bring hope and inspiration to others who also have been victims of abuse.

May is Mental Health Awareness month.  By sharing my art therapy quilts, they show others they are not alone.  

 

I believe it was 8 years ago when they were at the Dial Help Gala at Michigan Tech, and I once again feel the excitement and vulnerability.  I am thrilled to have this opportunity and at the same time - shy.

(I looked back in my blog and the first outing for these quilts was for the 2012 Strawberry Festival Quilt Show - almost a decade ago.)

 

Sharing my Art Therapy quilts is to share parts of my journey that holds much stigma.

Being able to walk without fear into the Huron Mountain Gallery and shake out each quilt and put it under the spotlight - is equal to walking in naked.

Yet I told a friend the other day, that vulnerability is courage.

It is true.

You gotta be a badass to display details others keep secret.

 

What I know for sure is that the more of us who show our imperfections, the easier it is for others to deal with theirs.  For so long the goal of life it seemed was to be perfect.  Allowing for imperfections feels more real to me.

I am not interested in perfection.

Even in my quilts and art.

I quilt by feelings.

I live by feelings.

I make mistakes and errors - both in life and art.

That is the way.

 

So, if you are in the Marquette area and are interested in Art, Art Therapy, and my journey - stop in the Peter White Library.   They are also going to have many of the books that helped me on my journey on display in the gallery or nearby.  

If you do, drop me a note.

Off to show my soul.

 

 

Once Again On Display

So, a few years back, prior to Covid, I was working with the Library Director at Peter White Public Library about having My Storyline quilts on display.  We had to postpone a few times, but now we are ready to go ahead for April.

 

She needed a few pictures of the quilts that will be on display.

I thought of my Mis-Matched Mitten Tree ones and took them out on a snowshoe this morning.

 

This is the first Mitten Tree - created in the Fall of 2010

The cloak of my truth weighed heavy on me.  Yet I was pleased I belonged somewhere; if even on the tree of misplaced or unmatched etc.

 

The second one - I didn't sign and date, so not sure when this one was made. I few years after for sure.

I feel she has more self-esteem and worth.  She is delightfully okay with being different -okay in being not okay in the normal societal standards.

As I was thinking of the Mitten Tree quilts - I recalled one more - this one was made in 2020 - I believe in the Fall.

This one is where she is part of the society or she fits in with others.  And, this is more that she has accepted herself and is willing to get close to others and make connections.

One thing about becoming estranged - is that you now wonder about the ending of things.

Not that it is a conscious thought; but you can withhold large parts of yourself from others.

Daring to open your heart and being willing to lose - takes self-esteem and courage.

I may be adding this one to the collection.

And, I am going to go through the rest of my quilts to see if there are others who need to join the My Storyline. 

 

I will be working on getting words together to go with each quilt. It will be an interesting walk back down to the earliest quilts in this line. What they would now say to me and how I will feel.

I look forward to seeing them all on display again - and in such a beautiful venue.

I am also feeling anxious. It has been awhile.

These quilts represent the truest sense of me.  They display how little my insides where and how vulnerable and lost - and yet they also hold the power and strength it has taken to being okay with being me.

One of my intentions of being retired was to explore more of my Art - or my art therapy. I feel were inseparable.  And, we both continue to grow and become.

The set-up will be in the beginning of April. 

The Artist Reception on April 14th.

The last display day will be on May 20th.

It is so appropriate that My Storyline quilts will be on display in April - May.

 

"April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, otherwise known as SAAM. During this month, people across the United States raised awareness about sexual violence, how to prevent it, and how to support those who are affected by it."

 

"May is National Mental Health Awareness Month - focuses on bringing tools, resources, and education to the general public."  

 

While both of these things are getting easier to talk about, there still is much silence.

I am hopeful that my quilts will inspire others in ways that I can't even begin to know.

What I know for sure, is it would have been so nice to see something like this when I first began to unravel out of denial.

So, ready or not I will be once again on display.

 

 

Soul at Rest

This blog has been a way for me to sort out truth from fiction - as well as what is helpful or healing for my mental wellness - and perhaps more how it feels coming from a dysfunctional cult-like religious abusive family.  

It was a tool I used to bring my tangled thoughts and messed up beliefs.

A blank space that welcomed not only my messed up head, but didn't judge my new ways of being Me. 

The blank page is open and always welcome and oh so patient as I type, delete, type and re-write.

 

Often I start out with a stressful thought.

A thought that won't leave me alone.

 

Or, I bring what I feel are good books, podcasts and other things that have helped me find my way to a life that brings me peace, love and joy.

 

I believe we are meant to live lives where our minds, body and souls are at rest.

Rest in Peace is for the living - not the dead.

 

And, I also believe heaven is here and not when we pass.

Our challenge is to find heaven - the place where our souls can rest.

 

I don't believe it is a place; but rather a deep feeling of love.

Love of self and love of humanity.

A place where differences blend in an artful array of color and shape.

The tapestry of life holds many threads and we each hold up our part of what being a human being is.

 

To me, mental wellbeing is when you can be yourself in the reality of life.

The ability to accept what is and who you are completely - creates a soul at rest.

My Storyline

My Storyline quilts were requested to be shown - and I said Yes.  

The Keweenaw Storytelling Center is interested in showcasing stories and someone gave them my name.  

 

This seems like the perfect venue.

 

I was shown around the center, a work in progress - with lots of potential.  Bringing humanity together through our shared experiences - a place for voices to ring out in a variety of ways.

 

As I unrolled the quilts - it was interesting to see my art from so long ago.  

I believe the first ones were created in early 2005.

It has been 9 years since my quilts and I made our public appearance - well some where actually at an Art Quilt show - but I can't recall how far back that was.

Anyway it has been a long while.

I wondered about our relevance or integrity or even art form. My inner critic comes alive anytime my art is heading out in public - an unflattering soundtrack from long ago. 

I went back in my blog - way back to the beginning to see if I had recorded when my quilts were in the Quilt Show - but it only goes back to 2009.

It was interesting to read me back then. To read about my determination and confusion and trying to explain the unexplainable.  I feel for her.  

All these years later I still feel the misfit or the one who is unlike the others. I love my words though and my exploring and the books I read and who and how I quoted.  I love how I began seeing the world with a new perspective.  I can see that my storyline is still relatable.

 

My Storyline quilts are not scheduled to be hung until January and the space, or gallery wall, will be painted to showcase my art in ways that will flatter them.  I love how my art is always handled with care - and my story line too.

The woman who runs the place has great ideas and it will be another interesting walk on my journey.

Imagine them up in Calumet just few miles from the church.

I wonder who will happen upon them.

I wonder who they will comfort and who they will disturb.

 

All in all, it was a weird step into the past, and even more a step out into the public with my story.

Re-reading about my Keynote with Dial Help 9 years ago, I remember waiting for the rebuke and insults, the anger and rage for me speaking out - and that did not happen. 

It is odd, that we fear the reprisals and our story is often met with silence.

Nothing.

From those closest to us.

 

I have time to prepare and sit with each quilt to travel once again along my storyline; putting my story together to offer words and art to someone who feels alone in her journey.

These quilts have already given me courage and allowed me to be brave. They stand louder and bolder before me - telling my story in fabric. 

This time out I am stronger - more time has passed and I have grown - emotionally and spiritually. I know who I am now - I know my depth and love.

I could actually stand before my art.

Yet, I am so grateful to have it with me.

 

Soon, I will hang them back on the clothesline and take their pictures again. Perhaps take them out on a photoshoot.

Looking at them was like looking at old friends.

Parts of me that I didn't really know - then.

 

I am now excited to re-visit My Storyline.

 

I am now brave, bold and a badass - with my truth.

 

 

 

Before It Is Okay

"Freedom is being okay, before things are okay."

 

Freedom is when you are okay - before this or that happens.

Being okay with this present moment, and knowing you can be okay if things go differently than you would like them to.

 

Being okay, is about you.

It isn't about what the world outside is or is not doing.

 

There truly is very little we control - it all comes down to self.

 

Perhaps it is best to decide today, how you will respond to the election IF it doesn't go according to your vote. Decide how you will feel; but mostly how you will act. What will you change in your life?

 

The whole country seems to be in an heighten state of anxiety; both from the Covid Virus and the Election that has filled our worlds in the past many months.  And, social media feeds are fueling both - and we can chose to engage or not engage or even perhaps how to engage in things that pop up on our feeds.

 

If you haven't watched "Social Dilemma" you may want to check it out.  It is on Netflix.  Some of us fear the political party opposite of who we voted for. We may want to look deeper into what is driving the dialogues and how much of our days are spent on social media and what are our gains OR more what we lose.

 

Being cognizant on what you are putting out into the world - means being aware of your own thoughts, beliefs and what they mean to the world at large. What it means to your future and those around you.

Does everyone in your circle think alike?  Do they all believe like you do?  How do they bring in good energy and block toxic behaviors?

 

I am guilty of writing about things that confound me and trying to raise critical thinking; especially towards cults and strict religions and dysfunctional families.

I wonder what is a better use of my time?

 

What makes you think differently?

How can we entertain new thoughts and evolve humanity in directions that will cause more harmony, and less division?

I don't think we need to be passive or to live in a non-reality. But, each of us make up the landscapes we live in. Each of us are participating in creating the world we will leave behind.

Our individual legacies will be what echoes after we are gone.

Do we want to leave outrage and disgust OR hope of changing the world; by changing our world and growing a more open mind.

In my experience, the more my mind has opened; so has my heart.

I have a broader sense of humanity and the myriad of differences that are being expressed.

I am less certain that I and my limited beliefs and knowing, have any answers for others.

I leave others to know what is best for them.

Which reminds me of Byron Katie's words -

"I don't know what is best for me or you or the world. I don't try and impose my will on your or on anyone else. I don't want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go.That's true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way."

 

As we all continue to find our own ways. Let us try and be kinder to what we don't know or understand or believe.

Let us be okay; before it is okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Year of Naked Truths

I am working on the nudes and putting together a calendar for next year.  In sitting with them and pondering words or ideas, I recalled a conversation I had with a friend.

She said, "You have to be okay - before things are okay."

 

Learning to be okay where we are right now, in the circumstances we are with - and being okay with it down to your soul, is true power.

 

I want my naked ladies to inspire other women to be with their naked truths.  Regardless of what that is.

We were taught that the truth is ugly or shameful - and not to be exposed.  

We were taught to lie in order to be liked, loved and approved - to fit in and keep the peace.

 

There is a legacy that women in my family have handed down generation to generation. I don't know what the correct word is that I am seeking to describe this woman.

A woman who was invisible to herself.  

 

In front of her stood family, spouse, religion and social niceties.

She, the real her, was nowhere to be found.

A legacy of living without yourself.

A life without you.

Living your life for everyone but you.

 

She didn't matter.  

And, when she didn't matter, she passed her value down to her children.

They didn't matter enough.

 

This may not seem right or that it even matters, how much or how little a woman dances with her truths.

How truthful she is, or not, will color the love she has for herself.

 

Can you love yourself and be living lies?

Can you lie to yourself and feel what love is?

What I learned was the truths that were the hardest to acknowledge to myself, held love.

 

It seems that it is the opposite.

That when you bring in sexual abuse, you will lose value.

When you bring in a pedophile for a father, you will decrease your value.

When you admit you have a mother who knew and did nothing - it is a loss.

However, oddly it can raise your worth.

 

I was worth enough to walk away.

 

Sitting with my wounded self - I felt more valuable to me.

It doesn't matter to me, how others see me.

 

In fact, there seems to be a consorted effort to keep us from ourselves.

And, our naked truths of our own life.

A religion whose main theme is to forgive the 'sins' or truth of what is.  Creates a false place to live.

Families who are silent about the abuse - from one generation to the next.

Society that rewards pretend over real.

The list is long and uninspiring.

 

I would love a revolution of truth baring women.

Growing the next generation in love.

Real love.

Imperfect looking love.

Wild, tough, fierce, strong, empowered, fearless, love.

Love that is inspiring and worthy to hand down.

 

I know where I came from and its cost.

I also know the cost of returning there.

 

I turn towards the future by holding truth sacred with me.

By knowing and living with the darkest parts of me and gathering them close.

It has allowed me to have boundaries and to walk the walk I want my grandchildren's mothers to walk.

 

These ideas will be the seeds for my naked lady calendar.

Beauty and strength arise when we can bare our truths to our own hearts.

 

2021 will be a year of naked truths.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the parade of life.

There are many different small pieces of myself I have been working on.

The integration of my mother's image and mine.

The lack of control of have of the next generation.

Mostly just focusing on being a single me.

Bringing my attention to what is mine to manage and to let go of what is not and creating more fully who I am.

 

I get that we are part of a continuum - I am tagged to the woman above me as well as the women below me.

Yet I am a single me.

 

Becoming a single me has been a journey of extricating myself from the cycles of abuse. And, reconnecting with the self that I was prior to abuse. While living out my life as a mother. 

The woman I am - greatly mattered in how I would mother.

And, there does come a time where your mothering days are over.

Where there isn't a need anymore - there is a letting go - and allowing.

Allowing of lessons to be delivered - learned or ignored. 

It is crucial to know when to bow out and when to engage.

 

What I am feeling the integration mostly of is the boiling down of all my choices that are Me.

The work I have done, is done. The work of assimilating my abused self into reality and then redefining me.

 

I was undoing my false self and becoming my real self  - without a self if that makes sense.

The Who I was wasn't me and who I would be has been slowly growing over the years - a slow process of unraveling and knitting together.

 

I think, I thought that what I was doing was for my kids or the next generation; but in reality it could only be for me.

A old dysfunctional mode of co-dependency had me always believing that I somehow swayed the trajectory of others by how I moved.  

I guess because I was so strongly influenced by mother, I felt that I too could/would/should influence as well.

 

That may be the dysfunction way of legacy.

 

I wonder what is a healthier version of influence.

 

I do know that I have been greatly influenced by women who are strong, brave, resilient and who have swerved when their lives took a turn that left them heartbroken - but pulled themselves up and carried on.

 

What I always come to is the frustration and anxiety of trying to control an outcome - that I have no power in.  And, after days/weeks of wrestling - I get tired and I let go.

I let go out of wisdom - not because I don't care.

I actually care and love deeply - which is why I want to intervene and save.

Yet, that isn't the way the world works.

In Byron Katie's words "There is your business, my business and God's business.  If I am in your business, no one is left in mine."

 

Perhaps the guts of my journey for the past 16 years has been to disengage from dysfunction. To be just in my business.   Or to find out who I am.

 

The lessons I have learned by first doing things for the approval of others, to be liked, to fit in, etc - brought me to a place of being without Me.  I was only alive in the eyes of others.

I literally woke up at 46 and there was no Me - in me.

I had lived empty inside.

The outside created me.

I was asleep in my own life. 

 

And, each time I hop into someone else's business I leave my life empty.

 

Often I go into another's life when I am not eager to play with my own lesson.

My lesson now is integrating myself - with my mother - in a way that leaves me at peace.

 

I don't know how to do this.

Elegantly.

 

Kindly.

 

With love.

 

I sit with where I came from - the woman who is my mother.

What parts -that are in both of us - that can be salvaged.

 

When I feel most strongly repelled.

I feel the rejecting - more than the continuum of family.

 

The solid and complete rejection I have had from my family, I am sure influences this.

For, I feel that character traits - are what flow from generation to generation.

Traits that I saw - held abuse alive.

 

How can you find the string of love - when love wasn't felt.

Or strength of moral value - when none was seen.

 

It is an odd grasping - and trying to integrate the old - when I pick up a piece, to just put it down.

 

Who am I?

 

I sometimes feel like a freak of nature.

One who doesn't fit into the societal roles of what a daughter does - a sister etc.

A misfit or rebel.

 

Yet, I do feel that I am sliding from daughter/mother into just being Me.

Maybe a grandma Me who doesn't hold the same responsibilities that a mother holds.

Grandma Me is freer.

 

I have walked my parts out.

Until I walked here.

To the single Me.

 

Maybe I have defined the traits I was looking for in my mother. I defined them for me. 

The love I feel towards myself is what I have to give others.

The morals and values I have - are what can be pulled to the next generation If they chose.

Maybe the integrating I need to do, is being older.

The mothering days are few and far in between. They will let me know when I am needed.

I no longer am a daughter.

a sister

or even an aunt.

 

The space is wide open to be Me.

Perhaps this is what the mid-life crisis is - where you have to redefine the roles in your life.

The older you get the fewer there are.

 

Maybe what I am really feeling is the birth of just being a single Me - in the parade of life.