IMPERFECT Lady

Refuse to Accept

Yesterday the act of refusing stuck with me.  How rarely it is actually used, especially by women. We tend to be the peace makers, the fixers, the pleasers and so we shy away from refusals in any form.

At least this was the kind of woman I was.  

I was actually queen of keeping calm waters.

I know that I have almost PTSD moments when refusals are present. 

The old habit of mine squirms uncomfortably as I resist being the peace keeper.

It is hard to watch someone refuse.

For, you know conflict is coming.

Each person is trying to be heard.

In the past, one of my bad relationship habits was silence. I would brood and give the cold shoulder.  This I believe was due to not knowing how to express myself.

Not only express, but to stand by who I was.

It is hard to be in a conflict when you are in conflict of who you are.

I was a chameleon for so many years.  I would go the way of peace keeping.

Whatever made the relationship flow better, that was the position I took.

When I didn't have the tools for standing up for me, I grew silent.  

Stormy silent.

I would get mad at the other person, instead of expressing what was inside of me.

Now, I am much better at conflict, and getting real good at refusals.

I believe you have to have a firm image of who you are, OR who you are seeking to become, in order to stand opposed.

What I didn't realize until yesterday, that this ability to stand against, to refuse and oppose, is not in everyone's tool box. That it is a bold move and one that looks courageous from the outside.  

 

It takes knowing who you are, and even more importantly, who you are not!

Refusing is the opposite of being a people pleaser and a pretend peace keeper. Cause if you are doing something just for the peace of it, more than likely it isn't what you truly would love to do.

I also thought, that it will rarely be the ones in power to refuse inequality or unfairness.  What tips the scales of justice are the victims refusing to be a victim any longer.

The powerless find their own inner power and refuse!

This is a beautiful thing for me to watch happen.  I love this.  This is were my passion is.

The reason I love my quilts that show my inner evolution is how I grew by refusing.

Refusing to get back in line and to be silent.

For in that silence, lays a soul unexpressed.

My speaking out and being very open about abuse, is my refusal to be less than who I was born to be.

Refusing is positive, when it used to stand by your truth.

I refused to pretend.

I refused to overlook.

I refused to not embrace all of me.

By refusing to neglect the darkest part of me, I was able to accept and love me as I am.

There is no part of me and life that I refuse to accept.

Here is a quote I read at the Gala where I gave the keynote...

"The people who have lost their parents and families due to abuse deserve the utmost respect and support. These people have risked it all to heal and stand up for the truth. These people are heroes and angels who hold a horrific reality for everyone else. They have suffered and escaped, and for that, I bow my head in reverence." Rythea Lee

On my path!

Three and a half years ago WIND began. Well actually it happened when I met An-gel.  I was introduced to her by Tom Rosemurgy.  

The three of us met a few times and shared ideas between the victim, the courts and the helping organizations. I spoke and they listened.  I was affirmed and supported.  I was given the space to grow and to be me without direction.

In a few short months of meeting them, I was honored at the Dial Help Gala.  This was in August of 2012.   Our first WIND (Women In New Directions) meeting was held in September of that same year.

The space they provided is one that WIND uses.  

Their model became mine. 

It is hard to articulate the absence of judgment.  Or, the space without strings or direction.  Nothing was expected of me; so I gave them my all.  Mostly they accepted me as Me.  They didn't try to change or fix or correct me. I was perfect - even abused.  I was all right.

This space isn't natural for many.

It is hard not to try to sort and fix and change others.  Harder still to see the beauty and not the abuse.

I was valued, and from that space I was able to step out in public with my head high. I had support.

Together An-gel and I co-created WIND.

Women In New Directions.

She gave me the courage to do for others what had been so healing for me.

Using Art as a therapy. Creativity as a place to work on choices and to try new things and to learn new techniques.  A space where there are no mistakes or judgments.  A support group disguised as fun!

An-gel is moving on to another adventure. Her time in our town has passed.  But, not without leaving her mark...WIND.

She taught me non-judgment.

Openness.

To look wider and further.

We were the complete opposites in so many ways and yet we worked together...the middle must be where we stood.

Perhaps WIND worked for us too, changing our directions.

Thank you An-gel.

Thank you Tom.

You have no idea what you started when you believed in me.

WIND continues on.

Changing.

Growing.

The open space where others come...

To be accepted; just as they are.

Perfect always.

Just as you taught me.

We are not what happened to us. 

We are the Light beyond.

We are the inspiration in our art.

The courage in each new adventure.

We truly are Women In New Directions; because someone believed we could.

How lucky am I, that you were on my path!

 

 

 

 

Disorder that you feel.

So, I was refreshing my memory about what "Art Therapy's" definition was so I could quote it tonight at my speech.

"Treatment intended to relieve or heal disorder..."

I then, thought....I best look up disorder; so as not to mis-speak.

And, I LOVED IT.

"State of Confusion"

So, Art Therapy is then to relieve the state of confusion....

What is so appropriate, is how literally, it helps.

For me, IT didn't change the state of confusion my life was...but it relieved me from it.

There truly isn't enough art to be done to change the confused state of a family with a pedophile in its midst.

What I believe therapy's goal is...is for you to find peace with the state of confusion you land in.  It cannot change the state of confusion...nor can it fix what it didn't break.

I love that there is a state of confusion...for it truly does leave you in a state of confusion when sexual abuse happens within a family.   The two natures clash and are the cause of confusion.

What I have found is that so many want to restore or save the family.  They want to know, when I will speak to my mother.  When I will go back to family functions.....LIKE I AM THE ONE CONFUSED.

I had to go and see the definition for confusion.

"Confusion is the state of being bewildered or unclear in one’s mind about something."

How remarkable!

Wow.

They were/are treating me, like I am bewildered or unclear about my abuse. Like the truth isn't clear to me or I am bewildered about incest.

When I sought refuge in Art, my life was definitely in a state of confusion...wondering what was truth and what was fiction....and depending upon what the truth was....who was I?

I LOVE that art healed my confusion.

About Me.

Truth

Reality

Love

The gravest tragedy... is to be confused about who you are, where you come from and what is love.

When a child experiences abuse from those she loves; it places her in a state of confusion...

She is unclear who her parents are...

How do you pick either a dad or a man who sexually abuses you....and further more, how do the two jell together in harmony, to make one man?

Isn't that where the confusion starts?

My confusion began to unravel when I saw just one.

However, when I saw the pedophile; I was introduced to an abused self.

This self is who I healed in art.

Who I found through art.

Art didn't change my reality; but it was a relief from confusion.

Sorting out the confusion of what was what, where the real truth lay and then my response with awareness...was a very long brilliant journey of a million sorrows.  Letting go of what wasn't....and reaching toward new truths brought me out of confusion.

Which is why I no longer play with any hint of untruth.

It is what it is....and there lies no confusion.

I can play with whatever truth comes my way; for I had to wrestle with the hardest ones already.  And, in the end; Truth is always kinder.

To my mind

body

and 

soul.

Art therapy is a place to seek relief when life's confusions overwhelm you.

It is indeed a refuge in a storm.

I loved my art, my lady...and eventually knew that it was me.

Truth is love and love is freedom to be you!

The best therapy of all is Art.  

For in Art you will discover who you are...and to me Art Therapy is anything that will relieve the disorder you feel. 

 

 

Hear and Honor it.

 

The phrase, "Truth Be Told" has me pondering, how many of us would benefit if our truth was told.  Imagine a world where we had circles in which we share our truths, expressing our silences?

The "Truth Be Told" project is for women in prison...you can learn more about them at http://www.truth-be-told.org  I have browsed their site and have just a thumbnail sketch of what their mission is.

However, I wondered if we the un-incarcarated women could benefit by speaking out before our lives get so out of control, we do something that lands us in prison.

I know that many of these women come from similar childhoods as mine...."there but the grace of God go I".

To me it is interesting that we as a society are completely wired in 'untruths'. 

We tend to see courage in those who speak it; but rarely do most of us glance at our own, let alone explore it in depth.

What would it mean to you if your Truth Be Told?

What changes would your life take?

What relationships would be 'upset' by your truths?

I know that most people live lives where their truth is their best kept secret.

What I believe, is that our subconsciousness (truths) are trying to gain our attention in subtle and not so subtle ways.

I was enraged and I didn't know why.

Once my truth came out....the rage simmered down.  

And, the awkwardness of my life righted itself and it became balanced.

Imagine again how many women(and men) in prisons would have been steered onto a different pathway if they lived their truths?

So many have histories as mine...Untreated abuse.

Would their lives make more sense if they could see the natural conclusion from an un-natural childhood?

Annie Roger's book "Annie Rogers: The Unsayable: The hidden language of trauma  explains how we act out our truths until we reconcile them with ourselves.  

Our truths want to be heard, seen and felt.  They will continue to replay our abuse, until we recognize it as abuse and correct the labels of our abusers.

It is painless to have a father; and painful to have a pedophile in its place.  

But can they both exist?

What happens to you the victim when you only see a father? Where does your truth go and what is the consequence of that?

I know, in my experience, that I re-created many different relationships where I was powerless...where I was blind to the 'faults' of many.   I couldn't see the negatives or when I did, I subconsciously made them positive.  It was my job to keep our little secret secret....by treating him as a father and my mother as a mom.  

To act out and live your truth is not a journey most of us travel.  Especially when there is abuse in our homes.  Instead we live with the constant frustration of trying to make a family out of an circle of abusers.   We have our roles that don't allow our truths anywhere near us.

The Truth Be Told, needs to be in the schools, churches, and many social circles.  We need an early intervention so the prisons are not full of silent victims.  And, so our families are not posing untruthfully, but are standing exposing our truths.

I applaud the volunteers who engage with prisoners.

I applaud anyone who dares speak their truths...especially when it upends the applecart of their family's lives.  For they are breaking the pattern that destroys children's lives.  

If they only knew the impact truth be told would have on the lives of little children.

Perhaps it should be the truth be heard.  For it is also my belief that children tell.

They tell, but the parents don't hear.

They don't want to hear that their husband is capable of abuse, that their brother, uncle or grandparent can be anything but what they show to the world.

The truth be told and held is the key to ending abuse.

If you can't be a truth teller, be a truth holder for someone.

Again, how odd is it that we live in a world where our truths are not valued and treasured; but are made to be kept separated from us.

I know to the depth of my being, the prisons house those who lost their way, due to the fact their truths were not honored as children.

I know well intended therapists and healing modalities try and cover up and look beyond and move on from the past.  And, the precise moment we stopped being truthful is the moment we turned down the road that led us further and further away from life of peace, love and joy.  

When did this adult child begin to hide their truths and why?

I didn't get my family to stand with me and my truths and I know the cost.

The cost to be with my truth is priceless.

And, the cost to be without it...would have cost my children their innocence.

Alice Miller is the only therapist that I am familiar with who understands how the truth of our abusive parents IS the savings grace of our mental and emotional beings.

Without my truth, I would not be me.

I would be a soulless being.

Thank you to all whose truth be told...and for those who hear and honor it!

 

 

Wholeheartedly Themselves

 

Here is me talking at my I M Perfect Workshop at Michigan Tech.  

It's hard to look at objectively.  Yet it is the imperfections that make it perfect.

After watching Janet Mock, speak on Soul Series, I came away with how we present ourselves to the world.

How do we clearly articulate the totality of our journey...or what parts do we omit due to their contents?

What I am trying to present is that the imperfections of my life are actually the truth of it and it is okay to present IT all.

Oddly, in society, we tend to only present the parts of ourselves that society accepts.

And, isn't it odd, that society, as a rule, only wants to celebrate the positives.  But, it is the negatives that shape who we are...or it is in HIDING, the negatives that has us limping along while trying to not show it.

Perhaps I get a pass, in not being too polished, for it is my scars and pain that I speak about.  I am not perfect when measured by society's ruler.

How many of us are?

And further, how many of us struggle to reach a state of perfection that is impossible to reach....and then feel ourselves lacking because of it.

Imagine a world where we all see our scars and beautiful truth markers...and feel our strength and courage from having lived such a colorful and rich life of diverse experiences?

Being proud of our battle scars and our ability to not let them define us.

I feel there is a movement, a stirring within so many...to embrace and expose their inner truths.  To even expect society to rebuff our truths and imperfections.  The movement of being authentic instead of perfect.

Or perfectly authentic.

I am proud to be marching ahead while many in society rebuff my presentation...for what they are truly rebuffing is the whole truth of who I am.  And, I believe, rebuffing due to their own lack of self acceptance.

In the past, it was me that was in denial, me who rebuffed my feelings, and the truth buried deep within.

Those who cheer me on are thee authentic, or those striving to be wholeheartedly themselves.

 

 

A Thumbnail of my journey...

 

I now have one of my public speaking moments on You Tube.  It was taken on a cell phone, so of course the quality isn't up to par, but the message still holds.  This was in the summer of 2012.

As I drifted off to sleep last night, I wondered to whom this speech would be helpful to or who would benefit or be inspired.  

It hit me....family.

That's who needs to hear about a pedophile in their midst are family members; the ones whose lives and their children's lives are at risk.  And, yet these are the same members who don't want to hear about it.

Speaking about my father to a room full of strangers who don't have any contact with him isn't helpful. But, if the family would have heard me, its impact would have left large ripple affects.

When any victim of incest speaks out; the ones to benefit the most are those closest to them.

For all the statistic show that 90% of sexual abuse will be with someone you know, and of that, 50% with family.  My public speaking isn't for the general public, but for those connected to me, my siblings and my parents.  However, no family ever attends my speeches.

It is for those who are close enough to be infected by either the abuse or the denial.

This was my first speech....in public.  Yet, I have spoken about sexual abuse in much more  detail....one on one.  I have spent hours and hours trying to find a way to get family to hear. (whether in the spoken word or in writing here on the blog) 

It doesn't appear to matter how good the venue is, or how articulate the words, or whether I am barely contained in anger and rage, or speaking from concern....it all falls upon the deaf ears of family.

What I mean by this, is that they have refused to give up on our family; no matter what.  They have chosen to keep me at a distance in order to save any familiar shreds of family.  

I for one, know how life changing it is to really bring in the totality of your sexual abuse.  Especially to see your family in its horrific reality. I know the cost of hearing me.

My speaking engagements are no longer for my family to hear; but for those like I, who are estranged.  To give hope that there is life and love, outside of the dysfunctional homes...and relationships.  AND, to show the actual growth in fabric of your self-esteem and awareness and Self Love!  

I speak as a victim.  For I am.

But, I also speak as one who has found her power.

Which makes me no longer an active victim...if you will.

What I love about this speech is that the conception of WIND was just beginning...and here we are 2 1/2 years later going strong.  WIND is what I imagined...and beyond.  

It isn't so much my speech, but my life and all the walking it took to bring me to that podium.  The speech is just a thumbnail of my journey...

(coming soon to You Tube...I M Perfect Workshop)

 

 

 

A Voice for the Voiceless

I was interviewed last week by a young student at Michigan Tech for an article she would write for the Lode. For those who don't get the student newspaper, here is what she wrote after speaking with me for an hour.

"A Voice for the Voiceless"  By Sarah Harttung

"A large fire can burn down an entire forrest, but within a few weeks, life reemerges.  When children are victims of abuse, their lives are burned, their views of the world are distorted, and their trust is shattered. The narrative doesn't have to stop there: Beth Jukuri says that healing can come not only through traditional therapy, but through art."

"Jukuri is a U.P. native currently residing in Chassell. She has been making quilts since the late 1990's, but in 2004, she realized something that would change her life forever: she had been abused by her father.  Finding these lost experiences broke her."

"Instead of foregoing everything she enjoyed, Jukuri began using quilting as an outlet for her emotions. These quilts became evidence of the "growth of (her) inner self-esteem through fabric." She wanted to be the "voice for the voiceless," empowering others who feel powerless."

"Women In New Directions, or WIND a social group organized by Jukuri, gathers adult women twice a month to do something creative.This Thursday April 9th, she is hosting an event for women on campus."

"Come to the MUB Ballroom B from 6 to 7:30 to make weather grams, free of charge.  These crafts have a verse written on them about a sudden personal insight and then are hung outside throughout an entire season so they can "weather." The members of the Women's Programming Committee planned the evening."

"Beth Jukuri encourages people to take up art because it "allows you to own your individuality" instead of running away from it.  Her website, www.imperfectlady.typepad.com contains pictures of some of her quilts and links to helpful websites for the abused."  Sarah

I like how she use the analogy of a fire and how the forrest does regrow.  And, I would also note, that so can we. 

In fact, it is the first step in growing; when we acknowledge our abuse.

I think, many people think, that keeping silent and staying within families of abuse is the grownup thing to do. 

I just watched a short video on staying in marriage "for the kids" and how parents think that doing this will be less painful and easier on the kids and more beneficial.

The speaker goes on to say, that what it is really teaching is how to live betraying yourself.  How to put your authentic life, if you will on hold, until the children become 18.

I see the correlation with abuse.  Most will 'stay silent' for the good of the family....until.  Believing that living inauthentic will make a good family.

My speaking up and out loud about my abuse, isn't fully embraced with many.  For, I am divorcing myself from them instead of betraying who I am.

I feel that my message to my own children is that I will not betray myself and my feelings in order to 'save' a family.  I am showing them how to be authentic even when doing the right thing is the hardest thing.  

Here is where I watched the video

 http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/05/staying-in-a-dead-marriage-for-the-kids/

Our lives boil down to truly just two ways of being in the world....betraying yourself or being authentically you.  What is worth betraying yourself for and what does it teach those around?  Are you truly teaching a better lesson by betraying your truth and rejoining something you no longer believe in...or love?

What I have learned is that the very thing you silent about is what you teach.  You teach by what you are not saying, not doing...believing you are teaching something different.

To be bold and stand up authentically is a beautiful lesson to teach.

 

 

Art of Being Me

\

It came to me, that if I am going to do a workshop on Art Therapy, I should look up the definition of therapy....

"Treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder."

and then, decided to check out "Art Therapy".

"a form of psychotherapy involving the encouragement of free self-expression through painting, drawing, or modeling..."

I love "the encouragement of free self-expression".

As I have been toying with ideas that I could speak about, I have backed up a bit and really seen what Art and I have done together.

When I was stripped of all my labels that defined me, I was terrified and horrified to be in the world and not know who I was....and completely liberated.

The only place I felt free to be no one was with Art.

Art didn't care about my past or my future...it needed me here now.

Art had no expectations of me, no judgements or critical looks.  Art and I were able to play together no matter who I didn't know myself to be.  Art was always there in complete and total acceptance of Me.

Art gently invited me forward.

Encouraged self-expression.

Art has no religious preference.

Art doesn't care if your male or female, young or old, rich or poor, confused or clear headed.  It simply allows you to express yourself.

The process of choosing color and design engages our feelings in a safe way.

Leaning towards excitement and happiness....or striving for the depth and solemness when its needed.

Often I would just arrive, just as I am, and would be amazed at my self expression upon the completion of my work.

Freedom of self expression was critical for my self awareness.  I had come from a religion that did not foster this.  Nor do families where there are secrets entangled in  with our upbringing.  

At 46, I was learning through Art how to express my Self.  How to literally get in touch with my Self.

And playing with Art allowed me to explore her alone...yet not alone.

It felt like the Universe and I were playing together with art....just art.

But, in actuality Art was leading me in a dance of self discovery, using me to find me.  It was like going into a workshop to create art and to find out the Art was me.

I entered into the workshop feeling imperfect, wounded and without knowing who I was and over time emerged a perfect work of art.

The contrast and evolution of my art astounds me.  How wonderful to have this gauge in fabric to see me grow.

Art doesn't need you to know you, it plays with the part of yourself that is beyond the labels of you.

I don't believe the labels are secure on me anymore, more loosely fitted and flapping in the breeze.  Yet, I feel a great knowing of the self beneath.

I can't wait for my workshop; I M Perfect...the art of being Me. 

(April 9th at 6pm, at Michigan Tech's MUB, Ballroom B)

Against Family.

I am an Activist.  

I had to go and look up its meaning to see if we matched. 

"An activist is a person who campaigns for some kind of social change."

I also checked on what they mean by Social Change.

"Social change refers to any significant alteration over time in behavior patterns and cultural values and norms."

Yep, I am an activist.

Oddly, I would not have used this label for me, but it totally fits.

My campaign, if you will, is for victims of abuse to return to full power...and for the family dynamics to be challenged and questioned if all members don't have equal rights.

The only way we can end these cycles of abuse, is to break the cycle.

To end the patterns of behavior that we were raised in.

To shatter the family's traditions that have served thee abusers.  

For, statistic show that 90% of abuse happens with someone we know...and 50% within the family.

We have to look closely at those we call family...and their friends.

We have to scrutinize the rules and traditions of our religions and see how they work remarkably well for abusers and leave victims untreated, unseen and unheard.

My campaign would flip this totally around.  

Where the children are seen and heard and empowered...valued, honored and respected.

Doesn't that line seem insane?

Like who wouldn't value, honor and respect a child?  

Isn't it incredible that we as a society have overlooked and looked around the lives inside of families.  We have neglected and disrespected their privacy.  Keeping our eyes away from their 'family' business...and allowing all manner of abuse to be okay as long as it is disguised as 'family'.

This frontier that is closer to you than any other part of your life, is the one place we don't fully explore or challenge.  Family is and has always been out of bounds.

It is the one thing we are not allowed to challenge...or stand against.

You are either with us or against us.

We take our cues from the adults in our world; never striking out on our own to investigate the origins of why we do what we do.  We wouldn't dare go against the family's legacy of being a family.

To challenge a family is unheard of.

It is to be a non-family family member.

Family is family no matter what.

We don't dis family.

We don't tear a family apart due to some abuse issues.

We rally and stick closer together when abuse walks in.

Even if abuse wears the label father...you don't wreck a family over that.

My campaign is to tear apart families that are not families...

To allow children (adult children) to break free and to end the cycles of abuse on their limb of the family tree.

Abuse will not end unless and until we destroy abusive Families.

Allowing the family to stay labeled as family when abuse is happening is what keeps it going for generation upon generation.

We are smarter than this.

We can no longer turn a blind eye to the statistics and ignore the 90% of where abuse lives.

It lives in families.

In our Aunts and Uncles.

Our grandfathers...and grandmothers.

With their friends.

It is so close; we can't see the forrest for the trees....

Pedophiles are held tight within the family circle.

Supported by those in silence.

And, by those who don't want to let the family die.

Yet, the family is already dead.

It has been replaced by a well run abuse machine.

How can you tell if you are within a family or part of an abusive crime circle?

Are the children seen, heard and respected?

Do they have a voice and a choice?

Are they free to make their own decisions....do they own their bodies?

Or, are they held captive by those who have control over their lives?

Doesn't it seem incredibly insane that these criminal circles of sexual abuse and physical abuse grow their own victims?

And, they call it 'family'.

And, within the circle are those who know; but stay silent.

Silent for the sake of family.

How successful will my campaign be....as I go against family.

(But, I just realized I am an activist for children...the silent many who suffer in the family circle.)

 

 

 

What are others hearing you say?

I feel more inspired by "The Stitch" than I did with the book "Hush".  

I ordered 5 Kits  - Speak your silence

"Speak Your Silence is a nonprofit on a mission to conquer the stigma of child sexual abuse via #The Stitch, which symbolizes your voice frequency.  Profits fund one on one counseling nationwide for those personally affected."

It is a simple concept that accepts Your voice, Your story and inspires You to speak what You have kept silent.

They are not telling you anything, but accepting everything.

They are not trying to direct you into a narrow space with requirements, but is wide open and spacious; accepting you as you are.

I feel inspired to be part of this.

Its potential excites me.

The Stitch understands the power of speaking what you have kept silent...knowing the real you is right behind your voice.

This is easy for me to apply and will now recognize others who wear The Stitch.

I will begin adding this symbol near the signature on my quilts.

And feel proud that I am a member of this fraternity.  

For I recall in the first few months after discovering my own abuse...how heavy the burden felt, to be part of the club, of the sexually abused. The weight of it seemed to drown me out.  Little did I know, it was the beginning of the road to self discovery.

And each time I spoke of it, the stronger I grew...inside.

What was once a strange voice with strange words...is now very familiar; it's Me.

All of me.

The Me that lived behind the silence.

I love my voice.

I love what it has to say.

I am not sure there is anything more powerful than using your voice and speaking your truth.

It truly sets you free.

The you that is hidden behind the silence.

My imperfections are now perfectly Me.

Each time another one of us speaks their silence, we open up the space wider...sending out courage energy that inspires another.

The Stitch is a Zig Zag, symbolic of your voice frequency...what does yours look like?

What are others hearing you say?

By wearing the orange zig zag stitch, you help conquer the stigma of child sexual abuse and support your loved ones in sharing their stories!