IMPERFECT Lady

Cover of denial.

Family and society's image and belief in its purity or innocence, is the biggest wall a victim faces.  

We have all bought into the belief that ALL families are safe harbors, all families are love energies...all families have our best interest at heart.  That family is the opposite of our enemy.  

Family on its own merit is beyond reproach.

It is like any thought you would entertain that would put a smear upon family has to be lie.  That only the clinically insane would oppose Family.

I have been in conversations where someone will share "There is nothing more important than Family."

Family has become this godlike group that surpasses all judgment.  It is an island to be protected at all costs.

It has a reverance it doesn't have to work at to receive the highest praise.  Just because it's family....it remains untouchable and beyond reason and doubt.

The energy and life-blood of Family, makes any victim willing to demean it...insane.

How dare you....who do you think YOU are to take down this icon?

Are you insane?

It isn't an individual; but the collective beliefs in its potential and in its true meaning, NOT in the actual family itself...that we are up against.

It isn't the pedophile father that we are attacking, but the dream and hopes of father/dad.

It isn't the mother in denial, but the ideal and potential of a protective mother.

It is the potential and belief that there is far more there than meets the eye...that they are unwilling to give up.

For, if you sat down in the middle of just who each person is, what has been your experience with them...what kind of relationship it is and how hard you have to work to keep it or how feeble it truly is....there would be nothing to revere.

Perhaps the greatest fear IS the knowing there is nothing there....

What so many feel I have lost is family in its highest power.

That I lost a loving kind protective father.  I did not.  I lost the image and illusion of one.

And so it goes for all I lost.

What was perhaps the hardest thing to own, was the absence of what I thought I had.  It is to hold on tightly to a diamond that is really just a stone.

I know so many victims who are powerless and inert, unable to go against the family in their minds.  Victims who are out of control, stuck in depression and battling addictions ALL to hold Family in high esteem.

They themselves are willing to die to let family live as love...while it swirls with abuse.

Victims refusing to see family in its actual content are sentencing themselves to a lifetime of pain...or ways in which they keep pain at bay.

They too believe, "Nothing matters more than family"....not their life, their happiness, their peace, their love, their self.  Nothing gets ahead of family.

Believing this...they will never see the source of their pain.

This sentiment has to change in order for us to get a grip on sexual abuse/incest.

Family cannot be sacred unless and until its members are.  

All that forgiveness of sins does is paint a pretty cloud above the original family....and it is this cloud they believe in....not the filth that lies beneath.

I guess what terrifies most is the fear that the cloud will disappear and all the truth will lay there in the bright lights of reality.

That is what I saw. 

Family without its protective cover...of denial.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can't stay in Reality.

One of my major hurdles, was to let go of was denial.  

Denial was a place I lived for 46 years...and, for the past 10 awake.

It has been hard for me to explain how I choose denial over reality or how I could use denial to block reality.  

Denial is very powerful.  

And once you 'wake up' you can't find the physical evidence of denial anywhere, there is no trace...except that the life you thought was there, was so far off the mark.  

Denial is a place in the mind where we go and truth cannot follow...it is the alternative to reality.

I had to look up the word, "Denial" and I found this.

Denial (Psychological)

Denial consists of the refusal to accept a past or present reality and is most commonly employed to protect the host from their own negative traits; to protect them from the repeated memories of the negative actions of another or to avoid recognizing their own guilt from past actions, thoughts or feelings.

It is a self-defense mechanism employed by aspects of the subconscious mind in an attempt to protect emotional and psychological wellbeing.

Denial can be a scary and very sad thing to witness in someone that you love or care about; it is generally very difficult to help someone see the truth and especially for them to truly believe and accept that reality on a long term basis.

People deny responsibility every day for a number of things; but denial itself goes deeper into the psyche than that.  While people in denial generally still have the seed of truth still buried within their heads, they generally cannot believe that it is the truth even when confronted with it. This is due to the mind in effect rewiring or superimposing a more acceptable reality over the original memory.

Even with abject proof of an events occurrence, someone in denial is highly unlikely to fully accept the particular reality that their mind has decided they cannot cope with. They are more likely in that instance to use projection or minimization or to continue to revery back to being in full blown denial.

What I had not considered, even though I have been staring at it...is that it is an act of defense. AND, it is used to protect the "host" (self ) from their own negative traits.

What is so hard for my mind to wrap around is that this is all done subconsciously and unknown from the person in denial. It is like we found an alternative universe to live on...and we see people as we want to see them, not as they are.

The other thing that popped out at me, was the ability to stay with the truth LONG TERM.  

This to me is crucial.  For it does sometimes appear that folks are hearing the truth and agreeing with it, and yet their actions never change.  It is like they looked at the truth and then decided to not be affected by it...but to resume their usual activity.

I recall some family members stating that my father's truth would not change their worlds...that they are not going to let it "ruin" their lives...and returned to life as if nothing happened.

To me...this is denial.

How is it possible to have children who were abused and you continue on as if nothing changed?

The only explanation is, they are defending their own selves from their own negative traits.  It has nothing to do with my father, his actions OR their children.

What I now believe, is that my break down out of denial came when I was willing and able to look at my negative traits...and be open to being with memories. Albeit, they were few.

Denial is used to protect your emotional and psychological well being.

However, living in denial Is not being well.  In the end, it allowed my father to continue to abuse...while so many of us denied abuse's existence.  

It may have been a sheer drop from my lofty cloud of denial into reality...into knowing abuse was everywhere.  But, it was only then, that I was able to distance myself from dysfunction.

Being in denial, while it keeps the trauma at bay....also keeps us in its midst.

All it really does is wrap us in a shroud of pretend. We are in reality, with dysfunctional people we just don't know it.

Scary to see someone in denial and even scarier knowing I lived there for 46 years.

It is to be in reality with glasses that can't see.

At least can't see anything that would stir up my trauma.

So, while I wore the denial glasses...I didn't see abuse.

It was there, and I was in relationships with those who abused and with those who knew and did nothing.  I was part of the problem when I lived in denial.

This indeed is a mental illness.  Where the mind can't stay in reality.

 

Being Visibly Me

This blog post has stayed with me...."It's Safe to Be Visible"

( read it here at http://travelingev.com/2014/09/its-safe-to-be-visible/  ) 

I consider these two sentences very telling...and familiar.

“It’s safe to be myself,” and “It’s safe to be visible.”

What is more alarming is the fact that we are not safe to be ourselves and to do so publicly.

She comes from the same church that I came from.  She was taught it wasn't safe to be herself and dared not show it.

The fear of doing so...is almost solid, for what stands in the way is the person we had to become... instead of ourselves.  We have to kill and get rid of the person who overshadowed our Me self.  The one that was accepted by the church and/or family.

I am now speaking for me, using her two sentences.  I can't know the deeper content that she speaks of. But her and I both were raised in a religion that didn't honor or respect separated individuals; but clung to sameness...a uniform of conformity.

It isn't so much the banding together in mutual beliefs, but the fact that it is not safe to do otherwise.  

The word safe seems so odd in those two sentences. But it is quite accurate.

What is unsafe as we change is our relationships with family and friends.

I know this is about the religion...but it also works in regards to being yourself and visible with your truth in abuse as well.

I just want to ask...how safe are you to be yourself?

Or, what do you stand to lose that is more important than being yourself?

What I learned is that my family was unsafe, it teetered on the edge....for when I stood in the truth of my past, they disappeared.

Intuitively we all know what is on the edge...what will be tipped and flung aside.  We know what we stand to lose.  Most of us will not be visibly authentic...for it costs too much.

I found, that nothing is worth more than being visibly me.

Thanks Ev for sharing!

 

 

Have its way.

I have tried to write about the affects to a person who has been brainwashed...how it appears that the mind has been changed.  But, what I am coming to believe, is that when your choices put someone/something first....you, yourself,aren't clearly defined.

For instance, in the religion I was raised in, the churches rules took preference...it was consulted first.  "Is this okay with the church?"  Not, how do I feel about this and what do I want to do?

Brainwashing isn't so much about changing the mind, but changing the allegiance.

Instead of going within and feeling your way...you consult the outside authority first.

I see the coorelation between strict religions and abuse, in that it takes away the power or self control.  

When we turn our choices over to someone else, we are losing ourselves bit by bit.

What was most unsettling when I discovered my father was a pedophile, and I abused, was not that shocking fact, but the horror....that I had no sense of self.

No self beyond what the church created and the abuse demanded.

The sheer free fall into nothing left me breathless.

I didn't know a self beyond being a compliant member of both church and family.

I had seldom rebelled and done my own thing.

Or, the things I did do, didn't define me as much as being a good daughter and christian had.

Brainwashing...should really be called self washing....or wiping yourself clean of self.  Making the individual self disappear.

To me, the scariest thing is to see a person totally controlled by a church or an allegiance to family...minus their discerning mind. To feel the absence of a thoughtful self....and instead see the machine like motions of their lives.

The difference between the me without a me and the one with one is completely different.

I know that sentence is odd.

To live a life separated from what the church decrees as right and wrong as well as what the family needs or doesn't need, is quite spacious in its choices.  I am no longer constrained to their preferences.

I lived for so many years as a tool of each.

Now, my self is free.  I am not sure it was my mind that was in prison...but I know my self had disappeared.

Without a self...the church and abuse can have its way.

 

 

 

Always Innocent.

When another sexual assault case is in the paper, (Canadian Paper - link below) it is the battle of he said, she said and witnesses and the 'task' of finding the truth or covering it up.  

http://blogs.windsorstar.com/2014/06/20/windsor-spitfire-ben-johnson-trapped-woman-in-washroom-stall-sex-assault-trial-hears/

We all sit on a side.

We all come to the article with our own experiences.

We will lean either toward victim or with the 'alleged' perpetrator.

Until the close of trial, the girls/women are seen as guilty and he innocent.

I see them on trial more than him. 

The women having to prove more...explain the unreasonable with reason...and defend their actions...like they put themselves in harms way.

And his virtue appears more ironclad than theirs...for he is a hockey player.

And, he stands with his atheletic career and they stand alone.

Does his career lend more weight and make abuse 'less likely'?  Does this make the job of a victim harder?  Their actions appear to be more easily questioned than his.  

I am interested in this story on many levels...and will follow its trail.

The curiosity of the silence and the lack of coverage in our local media is odd.  

For, you know if it was about his career, they the family would be demanding it.  Now, he is in the big leagues in a legal fight and we are not hearing it.  And, where are the men of the church? Why is there not an outcry for the injustice of women?  Who are they supporting with their silences???

Funny how the 'alleged' abusers garnish such respect.

And how victims aren't helped, supported and praised for exposing such behavior...but rather relegated to 'guilty' until he is proven guilty.  He gets the innocent billing until it is proven otherwise.  And, they get to wear the label guilty.

We as society have agreed with this. There is no allegedly guilty....for the victims...but guilty.

We stand and carry the weight and shame of this crime until the courts and the lawyers 'weight' things out.  It isn't the truth that is weighed and measured, but rather the skills of the lawyers.  

Will this be...."He who has the most money wins?"

Maybe the Canadian Court System has more checks and balances, maybe they lean on the side of the victim and for justice.  Maybe....just maybe the victims are seen as innocent and he the guilty party.

Imagine the change in our legal systems if this were the case?

What I know, is that my father was guilty on so many accounts, and only one entered the court room with him. By the time the courts were done with him, he was set free.  

The truth was not served.

Yet all knew the truth...and victims had no victory.

I guess we believe that once the courts of the lands get the perpetrators, it will prosecute them.  

I have faith in the victims voices, but not in the courts to succeed in taking these guys off the street.  

We will have to see what the Canadian Courts do with this case.

My energy goes to the women standing opposite of him.

Victims are always innocent.

(He was raised in the FALC)

 

Is Not Love.

Over the past years that I have been speaking out so frankly about my dysfunctional family and MY own dysfunction... and kindness has been challenged and used as a tool to ward off any action...of self awareness...self responsibility and self love. 

Many will tell me, "they are going to overcome their abuse by being kinder."  Kind and forgiving and loving.  They will not become one who hurts others.

So many victims of child abuse believe that they will become one who hurts another if the truth were to leak out.  If they were to hold the perpetrators accountable.  If they were to set up boundaries against the one who hurt them, THEN THEY THEMSELVES ARE HURTERS.

What I would say to you all "kind" folks...does it work?

If you are not truthful to unkind people do you get love and kindness back?

If this philosophy worked, would our world not be heaping full of kind folk?

How is it, just in my family alone, that kindness DID NOT ERASE OR CEASE the abuse that lived there?

Kindness, forgiveness doesn't work.

And yet child upon adult child, with tears in their faces, love in their hearts BELIEVE it does.

They will go to any lengths to love and be more kinder.

This is another huge factor in the abuse never being dealt with properly. Child and adult children are still waiting for love.

Believing that it is something THEY ARE DOING wrong. 

When children and adult children accept reality they will see that no matter what you do, you can't change another.

In fact, look how hard it is to change your own life.  To even look at what your kindness is changing. 

And, again, if I am viewed as being unkind for speaking my truth....than kindness is to lie.

To pretend is kind.

To deny is kind.

Truth is seen as something that is awful to another?

Now isn't that concept a tad dysfunctional?

In my life now, I celebrate the truth no matter what it is.  I accept it.  I honor it and I respect it.  I have no use for the land of kindness, for most often it will not accept my truth.

Rarely is truth seen as kindness.

And what a huge benefit this is to all the perpetrators of the land. To all the unkind, dysfunctional folks...they love your kindness, for it will never see their evil deeds.

Out of kindness you all look away.

Love to me is truth.

Love without truth is not love.

 

 

 

 

Look again at yourself looking at me.

First I want to thank and give great appreciation for those who dare stand by me. Who have listened and heard my words.  The ones who have understood my journey and stayed with the content of my pain and not rushed to the outer limits discussing the reasons for my parent's inability to parent.  But, for those who have stayed by me and attended my words, my pain and my art.

The ones who have followed me along...weak and confused, hurt and angry and watched and encouraged my growing.

Folks who have walked with me through my darkest times...are now able to "Like" my episodes on Facebook.  I know that this will seem childlike, but sadly the Like button is so telling of the content of who you are.

It is the tap on the shoulder, the eye contact and encouragement...especially when it is so deeply personal.  

The 'unliked' folks are teaching me great things.

I am learning how it is to speak up and not be heard.  Or to have the conversation be re-directed to a space three steps removed from the actual wound.  AND, how it feels to be a child trying to get someone to respond, to stand up with you.

It is not the silence of your enemies that affect you, but the silences of 'friends'.

I feel that my voice is that of a child, a victim who is daring to break the silence and I am just shocked at how non-impacting it is.  How life appears to go on as usual.

In the same group discussion, the annoymous shield was broken, and it felt like someone had inadvertantly opened the closet door.

The full thrust and heart of the intentions behind the "Call Me Mental" project IS to break the stigma.  

Stigma is the closet.

Stigma is the silence.

Stigma is not so much the silence of those who watch me come out of the closet BUT those who are in the closet wanting to remain hidden.

I am fascinated by this all.

How not only do I no longer fit back in the closet, but there are folks who are 'out' but that I feel are just pretending and who really would be more comfortable with me being silent.

I am not even sure I can articulate the experience of breaking the silence and hearing silence...

What this feels like to have an artful presentation done and for the discussion NOT to be on the subject of the episode?  It is like if they were to watch a film on quilting but talk about the person who typed up the pattern.

Honestly, I am blown away.  By those who have dared stand with me....and the silence after I broke the silence, again.

And, how some feel we are further along and that we will not repear the history of my family....Really?  

I can only visualize the trauma of being traumatized and to have it all ignored. For life to quickly return to normal, for the good folks to overlook and avoid any contact with the wounded child.  For the subject to be shut down...or never even begun.

Being set aside untouched.

It is these feelings of not being touched, of them holding back and away that make us feel that something is wrong with us.  That we are now untouchable and for sure unspeakable.

We become ostracized and the things being discussed are not even close to the heart of the matter...abuse of a child.

We are too yucky to touch...and talk to...or "like".

I can't make me touchable. 

I can't make me kind.

By them staying away from me, they are showing me who they want to be near.

I know, to the depth of my soul, this behavior for whatever reason IS the source of our stigma.

We feel what you all can't do...and internalize it.

I refuse to feel ashamed, because you are ashamed to be with my wounds.

You too, will not define me.  Just as I refused to carry the shame of my father, I also refuse to carry the shame of those who can't touch me.

I know the walk now of the untouchables. 

I know it isn't our 'sin' to carry.

I am giving this back to you all.

It isn't the silence that I have broke, but that I am asking you to look again at yourself looking at me.

 

 

 

 

When You are Aware.

"It is quite possible to listen to God's Voice all through the day without interrupting your regular activities in any way.  The part of your mind in which truth abides is in constant communication with God, whether you are aware of it or not. It is the other part of your mind that functions in the world and obeys the world's laws. It is the part that is constantly distracted, disorganized and highly uncertain."

"The part that is listening to the Voice of God is calm, always at rest and wholly certain. It is really the only part there is. The other part is a wild illusion, frantic, and distraught, but without reality of any kind...." A Course In Miracles.

These two parts of my mind I am very much aware of.  I can feel immediately when I slide into the belief in what is uncertain.  When I begin building a future in hypotheticals. When I believe I know for certain that which I can't know for certain.

My body feels awful when I am seeing life from the point of view where the truth doesn't exist.

Walking with the truth, is to be hand and hand with the Universe.

I love that you can hear The Voice if you stay with reality. 

As my mind files through all the possibilities of various reactions and how I will be seen or judged and critiqued, I find peace when I step away from my small part and see the bigger picture. 

Or, when I see the clip from the viewpoint of those seeking their truth and not those wanting to hide from it.

And, in the end, I have to let it all go.

I did my best. 

I said my words.

I brought all of me.

The Universe only accepts originals.

Where it goes from here, how others respond, is not mine to control or decide.

I didn't even decide what I would say; the truth decided for me.

What I love, is that the voice of truth is within all, whether they are aware or not, it is there behind the constantly distracted, disorganized and highly uncertain.

My peace comes in the midst of turmoil and uncertainty when I let those thoughts go and find my way back to snuggling with the truth, no matter how unsightly and off colored it is.  As odd as it sounds, this is where the Voice of the Universe resides.

Not in the peace or pretty place outside of evil, but right up against it.  It is always with reality. 

Reality is my God...you can't bless it away, you can't paint it or delete it...it just is.

You will join it when you are aware.

 

 

The Other Side.

As I wrote about the silence of many, it came to me that the group meme affect is what I am up against.  It isn't personal or individual but the culture of social, family and religious memes.

Here is the definition of Meme.

"A meme (/ˈmiːm/; meem)[1] is "an idea, behavior, or style that spreads from person to person within a culture."[2] A meme acts as a unit for carrying cultural ideas, symbols, or practices that can be transmitted from one mind to another through writing, speech, gestures, rituals, or other imitable phenomena. Supporters of the concept regard memes as cultural analogues to genes in that they self-replicate, mutate, and respond to selective pressure." 

The culture within my family and the church is that of a meme.  And, I am sure that I am not exclusive or different, but that we all belong to memes…at one point or another.

What I do feel, is that I am up against group mentality instead of individual ideals.

That the phenomena of this FALC meme as well as the culture of sexually abusing children are my opponents. It isn't personal…or perhaps I can't get to the person, for the Meme is standing between me and them.

"Our world is a place where information can behave like human genes and ideas can replicate, mutate and evolve" James Gleick

What I understand the most is that the meme has to be broken, damaged or doubted. Until then, society will continue to spread these memes…that are detrimental to society.

It is my hope that we can loosen the strings or roots that these memes have in each of us. Perhaps the stigma resides in the meme and not in the individual.  Is it possible for us to speak out against what the social and religious memes do to our individuality and or mental state of mind?

When I see others holding back unable to embrace things that go against the meme they are immersed in…I see that there is an invisible prison behind which they stand.

My experience in breaking free of the meme is terrifying and thrilling.  

The fear that holds the meme in place is the exact fear you have to move beyond. 

And often the love is entangled in the meme's blueprint, where you may gain your freedom but lose the love you had…for the love was very conditional. Again, what keeps the meme going strong is the amount of fear and the withdrawal of love if you are to dare step out beyond its strands.

I get it.

I see it like living in a tangled web of ideals and beliefs laced together with fear.

It isn't even the ideals, but the silken chains of shunning that holds folks prisoner in their own minds.

I have been in relationships where the meme directed each move, where freedom didn't stand a chance…and I have had the great vast unlimited space of being free to be me in relationships.  The latter is what love is.

Love is freedom.

As others stand frozen unable to go against the family, church and society…I don't see them as loving the church and family, but rather too afraid to lose their 'love' IF they were to go against the meme.

It has very little do with me…but I pay the consequences of their inability to move. 

All victims do.

We are left out to dry while they (church and family members) uphold the sentiments of their group.

This is done subconsciously and mostly without an educated or critical thought.  What strikes first, is the fear of losing what they have.  They will willingly lose me before they lose their love and faith.  

If I can wiggle a few strands free of this messy web that holds abuse as love…I will feel I have accomplished my intention.  To rip apart the intricate patterns of the memethat holds abuse within a family like it is not there.  

Perhaps the stress of or twist of trying to keep the Meme going when it is in direct opposition of your heart, you will break free. And when you are free of the collective group mind, you will be free to be you.

I love that I know what holds you back, for it was the same for me.  The pull on the inside was stronger than any voice outside.  Until I saw the what lay inside...

Then the energies reversed.  

There is a wall between us...I call it the truth or reality...it leaves us both unwilling to enter the other side.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disgrace back to you.

From my Brother Carl's Facebook page...And this quote Dr. Brene Brown say's in this piece is for you:

"It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly...who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
Theodore Roosevelt, 1910

This quote means more to me today, than it did even one short week ago...while I awaited the photojournalist to appear with all his gear to set the stage for my voice to echo beyond my blog and local town.

I am daring greatly.  I am in the arena trying to articulate the cause and affects of what we call mental illness in regards to the sexually abused.

Some will shout TMI; too much information.

And I say, the only reason I am on camera is for the lack of information that has been presented and discussed and acted on from my childhood up to today.  There is a lack of information for those who are abused.

What is the churches message and where do folks like me go...where is their information?  

Same goes for family.

IF I am displaying family secrets, that means this information has been lacking.  I didn't have too much information as a child of sexual abuse, but rather the total lack of information of who is who and who is doing what to whom.

I am daring to show the totality of what has been lacking.  

It isn't what I knew that had me out of sorts with reality; but what I did not know.

I am hoping that by sharing my story, others will know.

This is the arena of knowledge; of what is.  I am attempting to show the landscape as I experienced it and how it appears today. 

Can there really be Too Much Information in regards to sexual abuse of children?  And, who wants this kept silent? Who doesn't want me to speak out loud?

I am once again pushed back by the silence of many, as I entered into this arena.  

Those who know, but who do not cheer.  

Do they hear my words? Will they see my images? What stops them from even virtually joining me with a "Like" on facebook.

I wonder why?

Is it me?

Is it the topic?

What keeps them silent again...another generation, new friends...not applauding the adult/child of abuse.  Who would they cheer for and which arena will they sit in?

I appreciate those cheering me on,immensly!  It almost appears you have to be brave in order to be with me.  This seems so odd...like why is it bad to stand by me?

This experience has given me a rapid review of how a child who is abused IS treated.

We know who you are by how you respond.

I know who hears me.

I know who is silent.

I know a child feels this too.

It makes those who are in this arena with me mean more. Thank you for not making me stand alone...soul bared...truth showing.

Vulnerable...is when you hide nothing, knowing some will turn away.

What is odd.  Years ago when the story broke, they were silent then, and some appologized years later.  We formed a tenuous loose friendship.  

It isn't that they didn't know.  It is that they are unable to stand by me.

This is the stigma...that we somehow are made to carry.  We are treated like a disgrace; so we internalize it.

I wish I could make it about me...this time.

But, this time I am handing the disgrace back to you.