IMPERFECT Lady

Are you sure you are right?

 

Do you think that most people believe that the way they were raised, the religion they were assimilated into and the beliefs they were taught, are Right.  

How do we even know how we know we are right?

 

I lived with right knowing for many years.

It never occurred to me to explore the other side.

The beliefs of my childhood - were part of being Me.

I never ever questioned the ones who gave me the beliefs or the religion and its rules.

They just were.

 

The things implanted as a child and my own childhood interpretation became a file in my mind. It's pathway unquestioned - I just believed it was right.

It is very telling that often religions are implanted into children;  an empty malleable mind.

 

What is implanted in childhood is often hard to unwind - for it absconds with body and mind before the child gets a chance to define itself.

 

These ideas are actually replacing the self.  A child in strict religions are made to meld into the ways of the church - but without a fully formed self - the child becomes the religion. 

 

I don't recall having freewill - I moved as the religion would have moved. 

 

I lived on rote.

 

I had to look up the definition - "mechanical or unthinking routine or repetition. a joyless sense of order, rote, and commercial hustle."

 

I had to chuckle at the joyless sense of order....in how aptly it described my early years... sadly.

 

The rightness of the religion in my mind was partnered with sexual abuse.

But, the sexual abuse wasn't recorded in the files.

My body held these truths.

 

When the sexual abuse wasn't recorded - my mind didn't see the abuse or act in accordance with it. It never existed - yet it did happen.

 

As a child downloading the religion and at the same time experiencing childhood sexual assault by my father - my mind files were *&%$ - to put it gently.  So not right -not even close.

 

I truly feel for my younger self living life with a messed up filing system and no real separate self.

She believed she was right and there was no one there to challenge her thoughts or beliefs.

In the religion, we were taught the sinful nature of our bodies.  I was never taught to honor my feelings, emotions and instincts.  

I separated from my body in sexual abuse as well.

I truly lived disconnected from my body and all its wisdom.

 

I am not certain I can articulate this.

 

Just because you believe something to be right, it doesn't mean it is.

"A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority."

 

Knowing the cost of religion and sexual abuse upon my life and how it impacted the files in my mind, I can understand how others live this way as well.  It would be nice if we were all free thinkers and open to curiosity and wonder - but too many of us are locked behind a corrupt mind.

I wondered if corrupt was accurate - here is one definition. "made unreliable by errors or alterations."  This is very accurate. 

I also understand how scary it would be to know your mind is unreliable when the mind is you.  You don't want to know you are unreliable.

 

I truly was lost when the files in my mind were discovered to be lies.  I didn't have a self standing in the wings. I was 46 years old married with 4 kids and I didn't have a clue who I was - outside of the mind's files.

 

Yet it was the first time I was free to think and ponder and wonder and learn. 

It was an exhilarating process to go through the files I called right - to discover the lies and see the world completely different. 

 

I am willing to wager that there are folks on both ends of the spectrum with wrong right files.  And, they would be aghast at what they are proclaiming to be right.

 

Mostly what I know - is that I would not have been convinced otherwise. 

Here is a quote I love - "A man convinced against his will - is of the same opinion still " which came from the quote below.

 

“He that complies against his will, Is of his own opinion still” from Hudibras by Samuel Butler 

What is interesting - is that I misquoted this for years - I thought it was a MIND convinced against its will is of the same opinion still.  

 

Any one of them works.  

 

Knowing this and experiencing life with a closed not right mind - I don't believe we will change minds from the outside in.

I also know the strength of some minds and the steel grip it has on them.  My voice and my convincing will fall on deaf ears. 

"forgive them, they know not what they do" is one sentiment I can agree upon.

 

I wrote all that to say, are you sure you are right?

Another quote I love is by Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor - "that the left brain takes the least amount of information and weaves the most plausible story."

Here is her talk - and she has a book "My Stroke of Insight".  She explains the parts of our brain and its differences. 

 

 

Imperfect Grandma

"Imperfect Grandma" - is the only book I can write.

I M Perfect and it is impossible not to be.  

 

I wanted to leave my grandchildren an idea of who I am, perhaps impart some wisdom - and since I have nothing to pass on from the generation before me - words and who I am are what I can give.

 

In the family ways, I am imperfect - I left my family.

And its beliefs.

 

Who I am and where I come from are not topics of most family holidays.

My childhood family traditions - feel unworthy - or perhaps it feels like cheating to carry forth pieces of what I left behind. And they are flavored by the dysfunction and estrangement.

 

As a grandma - I am seen differently - vastly different depending upon who you ask.

I am piece of my family that broke free - and there are many still being family without me.

My family tree is mainly - a limb - the branch who is estranged.

 

I am not the perfect grandma who is attached to a long string of women - well I am - but not ones I can celebrate.  The perfect strings hold love, trust, peace, hope, joy, caring, wisdom...  The strands and strings of my tapestry show the legacy of abuse.

 

In order to write about me, those stands are tangled into me - I am unable to separate them - they are a part - an integral part of me.

 

My history is part of me - and without that truth - you won't understand why I stepped away from family.  And, you won't know how I became the grandma I am today.

 

I have been pondering a book to write so my grandchildren have my story spoken from me.  I want them to know me - for there is much of my family I no longer know.  

 

More than me, I want them to know the history they come from on my side.

It is important to me that there isn't silence.

I want to find a way to share my story, my art and what I stand for - in a way that isn't too dark; but one I hope will inspire them to be themselves, to own their feelings, to speak their truth, to dare to stand alone, and to be okay being imperfect.

 

I want them to know, you can be at your darkest and still find a way back to joy.  To be broken and feel love.  To dance with the spectrum of opposites.

 

What is funny, is that I thought I could write the perfect grandma book - only to realize that once again, my team of grandmas are imperfect.

 

I can't write a perfect grandma book, for I am not perfect.

But it seems to me there will lots I can say about Imperfect Grandma.

 

I feel inspired by "Imperfect Grandma".

I feel relief being in alignment with imperfections.

I had to go look up imperfect - to make sure it will suit this grandma.

"not perfect; faulty or incomplete."

And I feel it does.  I was a faulty daughter, sister and even Aunt.

I do feel incomplete or whole - as in part of something. I am missing my family of origin.

 

While I am not broken - I am not whole.

Imperfect Grandma - is willing to go there and speak what isn't spoken.

 

The writings of Imperfect Grandma - feel right for me.

Perhaps I have the image

 

This is me - Proudly Failing at who they wanted me to be.  

Imperfect Grandma

 

 

Being Me

December 4th is a date that I most likely will always remember - the day that reality slammed into me and changed my world forever.

The day when a child spoke up that my father had sexually abused her.

I believed her.  

 

That moment in time - flipped my world right side up - and all that I knew - was no more.

 

Who I was that day - and who I am today - are light-years apart.

 

It was a day that broke my denial and made me aware of how upside down and backwards I was - a functioning dysfunctional.

 

So, the twenty year anniversary is more about me and my evolution than it is about anything else.

I lost a lot. There were things of my old life that no longer worked in my new awareness.

Things I had shoved down - came up.  

People I had no boundaries with - now have boundaries.

Unexpressed emotions from the past rushed in to be expressed.  I used my voice even if my legs were shaking. I grew up each time I spoke a truth others didn't want to hear.

 

Who I was and how I lived - made sense - coming from whence I came.

The piece of the puzzle - being abused by my father- was key to know - it explained a lot about me.  I am grateful for the piece - I was missing. It completed me.  My life made more sense with abuse in my past.  I understood me and my dysfunctional ways

 

The remnants of that old life are few and far between.

I am the person now - I needed when I was a child.

I like who I am and what I stand for.

I am without a family(of origin) and faith - and yet my life is full.

 

While I lost a lot - I gained more.

My whole life opened up that day and all the ugly was present - but so was the potential of so much good. 

 

I would not be eager to go and do it again; but I would to get to where I am today.

 

There is a lot of grief that lives in my heart - and for the most part it is soft and in the background.  I am okay with it riding with me.  It is a reality of my life.  

My heart though has expanded and grown - both with the deep sorrow and knowing the truth - and loving my wounded self and encouraging her to grow. 

 

What these past 20 years have taught me is that we are all on our own path and it isn't my responsibility to eradicate all the abuse - but to live a life that reflects my own morals and values.  Each of us are on the side of history that mirrors our character.

 

Twenty years later I know peace, love and joy.

Twenty years later I understand more deeply the price you pay to live your own truth.

Twenty years later I am a peace with who I am.

Twenty years later I am still a lover of realty and accept what is.

Twenty years later I am still learning and growing and becoming.

Twenty years later is a great start in being Me.

 

 

 

God's Free Will

Women's rights are a tricky subject - because what is actually being talked about IS not her by herself.  She is unable to find herself pregnant without a man. She can't make a baby on her own - the man carries a crucial piece AND this is not talked about.

 

His rights are never in question or limited.

 

A woman is left with the evidence that a man planted a child.

 

And she alone is judged and crucified for what she decides to do.

 

There is also a limited version of abortion - that is willfully used primarily as birth control - and that it isn't a heartbreaking decision that is for health reasons of a child or the mother.

 

Mostly there needs to be a wider version of the discussion and a more open view on what is going on.

 

Women are only one part of the equation - yet carry full blame.

Limiting women - on the other side of baby making - seems like shutting the door after the horses left the barn. Why not stop the baby making process at the gate.  Limit men from having kids until they can prove the kids are wanted and can be supported.

Limit the surgery decisions to the doctor and the carrier of the baby.

Leave the church and state out of it.

 

It seems unfair to reduce the limits of women and not look upon the man - at all.

What would be a fair discussion to have about a pregnancy - and its continuation - or even conception?

 

There are two people involved and only one is being addressed.

What is the saying - instead of pulling people out of the river - it is better to go up river and see how they are getting there.

 

What doesn't seem to be the right answer is to take away the woman's right to her own body - 

 

Also, what else has been bugging me, is that so many of the ultra religious women are voting to take away rights - when they themselves have little ownership of their own bodies.

 

They are not able to limit the amount of children they have.

They are not free with their own bodies and yet they feel they can limit others.

 

It seems that only those who are free to choose, should be voting.

 

What I have learned - in my experience - the freer I became, the wider my sense of accepting and allowing others to live their lives freely.

I  would not want others telling me what is right or wrong in my life - and I am not sure what is right or wrong in your life. 

 

What is right for me - doesn't necessarily mean it is right for you.

If God gave us free will - why are some feeling like it is theirs to control?

 

I am pretty sure it is a sign of dysfunction to control others. 

A society that has equal rights and freedoms is a healthy society - and/or religion or relationship of any kind.

 

There are three kinds of rights. "These are Natural rights, Moral rights & Legal rights. Legal rights can be defining in three categories. These are, Fundamental rights, Political rights & Social or civil rights.

 

What seems to be happening is the 'moral' rights of some are creating negative legal rights, that infringe upon the natural rights of women.

 

Those who can justify this - better know - that you too are at risk of having your natural rights taken away - with the right people in power.  

 

In the land of the free - it is not a positive to reduce someone's freedom.

 

Morals are what you believe to be right or wrong -

And these are personal and I don't feel should be imposed upon others.

 

Values - a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life. "they internalize their parents' rules and values"

 

Free Will - Free will is the ability to make choices independently and without outside influence. It's linked to concepts like moral responsibility, praise, and culpability, which only apply to actions that are freely chosen. 

 

 

I guess in the land of the free - I would like to honor God's free will.

 

And He gave us free will—the ability to think, reason and make our own choice.

 

It would seem those who are supportive of religion and God, would want at the very least to give each of us God's Free Will.

 

 

 

 

Peace on Earth

We Vote today - a choice we will have to make - we vote each time there is a decision in our lives, our choices reflect our values and our morals.

Our vote typically aligns with our energy.

The candidate and their vision of the future - matches our own.

 

I am not certain any political ad or speech will sway us one way or the other.

Who we are - is how we vote.

 

We vote for what feels familiar or probably what is the popular vote among our family and friends.

 

We don't typically want to stand out and be different.

 

Trying to sway someone to vote differently - is to try and change their inner code - which seems almost unshakable.  However, if your own life has been upended, your inner sense of the world will change and you will renegotiate your values and morals.

And with new morals and values, your vote will change.

 

While voting on the president is a big deal, all of our decisions are big deals.  Each choice we make or don't make, will affect our individual relationships - with ourselves and those around us.

 

What we stand for or sit down with- matters.  

The accumulation of our votes leans forward thinking or standing still or trying to move backwards. The universe though I believe is forward evolution - albeit slow at times.

 

And it seems that some are okay taking away rights and others are not.  

If you are born and raised in a community that has limited your rights, it feels right.

Some have been limited their whole lives - living in a body that they didn't have the right over.

 

Hear that.  

They do not own their own body.

 

I know this - I lived for 46 years with a body that wasn't mine.

I wasn't able to do with it - as I wanted; but what the church felt was right or wrong.

I was nowhere to be found.

 

I understand when so many women step into the voting booth - how they will not be free.

Perhaps because I know the difference - I have a choice.  Others do not.

 

I didn't even know know - that I was not free. I only knew how to be a good person within the church and follow the rules.  I didn't look deeply at the rules or what they meant or how I felt or what their impact had on me - let alone how these rules excluded others.

 

It was just a sin to have total freedom with my body.

One of the bigger choices that is being voted on is women's rights.

And it is complicated.

Not a simple or easy conclusion.

But, oddly it would be IF it was about the Man.

 

Being a country of freedoms - some are limited by their religious rules. It will be foreign to vote for freedom of self. 

 

At the end of the day - when the votes are tallied, we will have a better understanding on how the majority feel and whose rights are being supported.  

Will humanity continue to grow and expand and become more aware and balanced or will we spiral backwards to limitations.  

While voting for the president is a big decisions, there are many real decisions in our own lives that matter in how we add to the wellness of humanity.  

We vote according to our limits - not the broad space of potentials.

 

How we respond to the election when it is all said and done and how we live with the candidate that is not our choice - will also be a choice.  

Our challenge in life is to live and be the best you can be within the systems that govern our country and community. The best way to govern is to lead with freedom.

 

In a perfect world, there would be peace on earth.

 

 

 

 

Moment of Time

How would you live life if there wasn't the application of forgiveness?

If all your actions were accountable and traveled with you?

Are there choices you would no longer make?

 

My views on forgiveness have changed completely.  I used to believe it was kind of me to wipe away sins from others- to forgive and move on as if that sin didn't happen.  This was kindness to me.

 

When applying forgiveness - it never occurred to me that - it was a mind game.

It was a thought process - and usually left me feeling resentful.

 

I was taught to forgive.

That it was MY way to heaven.

And it wasn't my business to care or judge the sins of others.  My 'job' was to act and feel that the 'sin' had been removed.

 

Forgiveness was the magic eraser - and we all then had to believe IT was gone.

It was a mind shuffle at best.

 

My mind was conditioned to do this magical exercise - and it didn't allow for my feelings or emotions or even the reality of what happened.  I was made to live in pretend land.

 

This land of pretend - often overlooks the hurt that is done - for I guess we don't forgive what is right. Only the wrong things.

 

When you are made to live denying hurtful behavior - you are only seeing one side of a person - the dark side isn't to be mentioned.  We live with the potential - but not the real.

 

This may seem like madness to those not raised on the forgiveness of sins.  It was the way of heaven.  In order to arrive in heaven one day - you must forgive and be forgiven.

Forgiven of sins.

 

Each church and religion have their own set of what a sin is.  

 

This tool often means you don't really really really have to change, you can repeat the behavior that is wrong - because there is this application to wipe clean what you did.

 

It boggles my mind now - that I lived believing in this. 

 

When you no longer have this tool - your choices matter more.

Again, what if your sins truly don't go anywhere, but those choices live upon your heart?

 

It was an interesting and horrifying visual to see the sins of my father being repeated for decades.  The sins (choices) were repeated upon new victims.   Forgiveness didn't change my father - rather it allowed him to sin again.

 

In my old religion (First Apostolic Lutheran Church) the focus only glanced briefly at the sinner - but we were made to feel worse than the criminal IF we didn't forgive.

 

The onus was on the victim to keep the reputation and character of the sinner in good standings.

It is a co-dependent relationship at best - but one where it is impossible to leave the victim position. And the sinner never appears to have to wear their sins.  They are often hidden by forgiveness.

 

Is it truly unkind to make others wear their choices?  

Living without forgiveness for almost 20 years has made me much more accountable to myself. I know the steps I take will be recorder upon my spirit.  

 

Perfection is not what I am aiming for - nor do I feel that it is up to others to maintain my character.  

 

No one comes in with all the answers or the right choices to make in life.  Each time life presents us with a choice, we will live with the consequences of that choice. It lives with us.

 

We are composed of our life's choices.

 

The poor choices I made while under the influence of a brain washed mind - live inside of me. The years of denial and blindness accumulated a burden of consequences that overwhelmed me when I understood that all I forgave - was for naught.

 

Forgiveness now feels like a swear word to me.

And kindness a cloak of blindness.

 

There is a meaning of forgiveness that resonates with me - "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, but we cannot move forward if we're still holding onto the pain of that past and wishing it was something else."

 

In giving up hope that the past could have been any different - it set me free.

I was made to sit with what is.

It is interesting how the pain did eventually subside once I sat with the lost hope.

 

Who knew that giving up hope for things to be different could be so life changing.

Without the hope of things being different - I could sit in what was - and I could feel the angst of the reality of the sins that lay at my feet - mine, theirs and how these choices create a pretend reality.

 

It seems insane that a life without forgiveness is so kind.

 

And, I am not even sure I use Hope anymore.  Not the hope that is like a prayer for things to change.

 

I just live with what is - and I am okay with the sins I carry - for I when I knew better - I did better. 

 

My heart's content holds all my life's choices - I carry the weight of my heart.

Without the hope that my past could be any different - I feel peace today.

And my future lives in the reality of this moment of time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Consequences of the Choice

“Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break. It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles - than facing the possibility of jumping -and not landing on your feet.”  It Ends With Us.  Colleen Hoover

 

"It Ends With Us" is a work of fiction based loosely on her mother's experience.  

 

When you are born into a cycle that holds abuse - and you don't change the pattern, you are bringing your children into that same cycle.  My childhood love allowed bad behaviors.

There is a point where you are given a hard choice - to do something different or just go along not making waves.

The cycle you are born into wasn't of your own making - however - when you recognize the pattern is about to be repeated with you - you decide to carry on - or to stop.

 

Stopping is not in the family's legacy in most abusive cycles.  It will require great courage to abruptly stop.

I don't think most understand what it takes to end the cycles and legacy of abuse. 

It isn't words spoken or truth exposed. 

Creating a new cycle is more about self responsibility.  To see the cycle you are part of - and your hand in it - and then determining how it will go from you.

Will your children see you repeat your mother's pattern.

 

My mother's role in the cycle of abuse, was to forgive it away - and then carry on as if the abuse WAS gone. She blindly and repeatedly forgave, again and again and again for decades.  Even IF she wasn't the one abusing, She was the one allowing it to go on - by simply not breaking the cycle of forgiveness.

 

I know forgiveness sounds kind.

Compassionate even perhaps.

 

But forgiveness without action of distancing your self and your children from an abuser, is not kind. It is to be an accomplice.

 

There was a moment in my life, where the cycle became crystal clear to me - I saw myself in the cross hairs of the truth and where my mother's reactions and mine had diverged.  

 

Something inside of me merged with the truth and I was unable or even unwilling to let it go. In that moment a new cycle began. I didn't wipe the truth away with forgiveness.

 

Her cycle overlooked the child and their wounds.

My new cycle was to see the wound and who did it - and set up boundaries.

 

It comes with a cost.

 

And a reward.

 

The cost is to be in a cycle that is different from my family of origin. Who have continued on - forgiving - showing other abusers that they have nothing to fear.  Our family cycle was to turn a blind eye to the abuse and focus instead on family.  Loving them - no matter what.  No boundaries are set against bad behaviors, criminal or otherwise.  

 

Forgiveness was how my family cleaned up its messes.

 

The cost of forgiveness is for the child to bear.  The abused child carries the weight of pain and grief.  Wrestles with holding on to love - where love is hurting.

 

A new cycle begins when you decide no more.

When you remove yourself from the flow of familiar.

 

The excruciating process is when you step out - you are stepping out of family.

Most will not clap for you and cheer you on.

It seems insane, that you will have to traverse alone out of the cycles of abuse.

 

You are going against familiar and truly not knowing if the new way will land you on your feet.  Or are you going from the frying pan to the fire.

You can't know, until you are far far into your new cycle, if you achieved your goal.

 

In reading her book, it made it clear the emotional and heart wrenching task it is to break the cycles. Which is why very few do.  It is a lonely road.  

 

Labor Day weekend has become a reunion of sorts for my family of origin. Rumor has it this year it came with the spreading of my mother's ashes.  

An ending of an era - it would seem.

 

She has left her pattern downloaded in many.

Her cycles continue on.

 

If I look at my life from the vantage point of her family - mine is desolate.

However when I see me in my new cycle - it is bountiful.

 

My children now have choices of my old cycle or my new.

It isn't up to me to choose.

 

My part was jumping - and figuring it out as I go.

Using my body, heart and soul to decide what is an environment where children will be safe. 

I have boundaries.

and love that doesn't come with pain.

 

I understand the cycle of forgiveness - for you get to keep family.

I understand the cycle of boundaries - you lose family.

But the cost of forgiveness within families where abuse happens - continues to create new victims. Sadly, in our case small children.

 

My life's work is to continue on creating a new pattern - knowing it will impact the generations after me. 

 

Each of my children also will find themselves at a cross road and will get to decide which road they take.  What their own legacy will be.  

We are all free to choose, but as they say we are not free from the consequences of the choice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rattles Your Beliefs

"Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable." -Cesar Cruz

 

This reimagining of DaVinci's Last Supper, has hit some buttons - as great art should.

Art truly should disturb the comfortable and to comfort the disturbed.  It is there to speak in ways lots would love there to be silence.  

 

What this art form has shown most, is how narrow and judgmental some christian's beliefs are and how they are only comfortable with those 'like them'.

 

I experienced life in the narrow trenches of religion and how my own self judgment often then colored others.  I had zero tolerance, understanding or empathy for those unlike me.

When art can draw an affront - to me - it has truth woven through it.

 

If your said religion feels attacked by those - not like you - it may mean your religion isn't wide enough or open or accepting or loving or inclusive.  It may mean that there are boundaries or fences to keep "different" out.

 

Somehow what is lost is how there are billions of expressions of humanity and each are living life from their inside out.

I am always astounded when someone outside can disturb your inner faith - just by being themselves.

 

Humanity won't be healed by the exclusion of others or the fear of what seems different.

 

Great Art forms will disturb the comfortable and will show the world just who they are, and how they see this world and the human journey.

 

It is my belief, if you have a strong inner personal understanding of who you are, others on the outside can't smear it.  

 

We need more disturbing art - to create cracks in the old ways of narrow beliefs.

Faiths that can withstand art and all its expressions - is one of freedom and inclusiveness.

The Art Forms at the Olympics created a disturbance and it reached the goal it intended.

How each person views it, will also display who you are and what you believe.

While many feel art is visual - it actually speaks to your soul and rattles your beliefs.

 

Freedom Waited for Me to Act

With the freedom of speech 

comes the responsibility to 

listen

With the freedom of belief

comes the responsibility to 

accept

With the freedom from want

comes the responsibility to 

serve

And with the freedom from fear

comes the responsibility to 

act.    

 

(Summary of FDR's Four Freedoms by Darren Walker)

 

I saw this on a friend's instagram -

 

I love how each of our freedoms come with a responsibility on our part.

 

It took me a long time to understand what listening was about - in how we can learn to understand another's journey.  Maybe it was when I learned more about my own journey, I could see the wide range of possibilities of others.

 

And, I love how belief comes with acceptance.  In order to truly believe you have to accept the facts of what is.  Beliefs that are not grounded in reality or in facts, are beliefs of falsehoods. I became a believer in acceptance - more than my old religion was trying to teach. 

In fact, it wasn't often about acceptance, but more about forgiving what is.

The sins - were washed away - to change reality.

 

Serving often relieves us of what we want.  And what we want isn't often what we need.

 

The responsibility to act - truly takes away our fear. For most often is we don't want to act differently than we have in the past, for then we will change how others see us or engage with us.

 

I just love that our freedoms are hinged upon a responsibility on our end.

Freedom isn't free from the consequences of our choices.

Freedom isn't a given - or a lazy relationship.  

Our freedom depends upon our engagement with life and those we spend time with.

 

In thinking yesterday - Memorial Day - what came to me was to not squander the freedoms we have access to. To use your freedom in the small choices - and how each little choice can change your world.

 

I am so ever grateful for my ability to act freely in all aspects of my life.

These freedoms came with my intentions of authenticity and to live a life that reflects my truths.  It took courage to step out of the patterns I was raised in - and each time I was brave and made a new decision, another part of me was free.

Freedom waited for me to act.

 

 

 

May She rest in Peace.

There is a humming in the backdrop of my life - a ghostly echo from the past. Most often nowadays, it is barely perceptible - and then voices come in.

Words carrying the wishes, for the lack of a better word, from my estranged mother who is actively dying.

When my answer is different than her wants - it appears that I have turned judgmental.

 

"Hopefully you are never judged by people who never walked in your shoes." A brother.

 

If and unless, I do her bidding, then I am seen as judging her.

Is it judging to want to do something opposite of her wants?

 

Others seeing me as judging her - based on my opposite choices - has always confounded me. For I don't feel that I am in judgement - in fact, I am more concerned about how my choices affect me - inside - and how they sit right with what I know my truth and reality is.

 

I had to google, What motivates people to judge someone, just to see what came up.

 

"As with projection, feelings of inadequacy tend to be closely related to insecurity, as are many reasons for a judgmental mentality. If someone feels inadequate about something, they may be more likely to mock or belittle others who have a healthier—or simply different."

 

"People judge others to avoid reckoning with potential feelings of inferiority and shame. Since judging others can never give a person what they really need, they feel like they have to keep doing it. One can choose not to perpetuate the cycle of judgment."

 

What is interesting to me about this - is that judgment is coming from the lower place of feeling shame and inferior.  It doesn't come from the place of being healthier and more aware of yourself and self-love.  Which of course it wouldn't.

 

After reading that I wonder who is judging who?

 

Parents write upon the clean slate of a child.  They will either raise their self worth or lower it.  In my case my slate lowered my worth.  I was eclipsed by their needs.

 

It has taken me many years to wipe that slate clean, to right if you will their wrongs.  I no longer carry the shame that is theirs to carry.  

In separating out what actions are theirs and what responsibilities are mine - I began re-defining me.

I wasn't who they wanted me to be.

 

In my heart of hearts I do not feel I am judging.

I am instead making choices based on what feels right for me, what actually will raise my level of integrity.  

 

What I also know to be true, is that my choices - are not viewed as kind, loving or with a heart.

I get it.  

It isn't the right choice for you.

 

As she lay dying - it doesn't change how I feel inside of me - or want me to make a new choice.  

 

In the end of the end, I continue to honor our estrangement.  

For us, it will be a life sentence.

It was a choice.  A healthy response for me. I found my soul's worth on the outside.

 

As they hold vigil close.

I will be outside.

 

Two generations of women - each of us are walking our own path.

We each carry our own legacy and the past littered with a million choices.

We will reap what we sow and our hearts carry what we love.

 

She is now a stranger I once knew, and her path, one I used to walk on.

May she rest in Peace.

 

"I don't know what's best for me or you, or the world. I don't try to impose my will on you or anyone else. I don't want to change or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you.  I just welcome things as they come and go. That's true love...." Byron Katie