IMPERFECT Lady

Their Own Child

How many people are aware of things they are wrong about? Most of us were not taught discernment or have the ability to change our minds/beliefs.  

 

I was raised in a black and white world. I was taught that 'our' church is the only church going to heaven. I was taught that everyone outside of the church was evil.  I was programmed to see the world with a myopic lens.  Very very narrow and completely and utterly wrong.

 

It was embarrassing and mind blowing and brilliantly thrilling to see how wrong I was.

 

I am not sure I can articulate the mind I had and how I saw the world. How I saw a father instead of a pedophile, a mother instead of an accomplice, a church of high morals and values instead of a cult that covered up generation upon generation of sexual abuse, physical abuse, and blessed away the truths.

 

Not only was I not in the 'right' church, I wasn't even in my right mind.  I had been completely brainwashed.

Why I am writing about this is there are so many 'christian' folks who believe they are dead to right on so many issues that are anything but black and white. They believe that they can see the world and the people in it through the correct lens.

 

But, their moral high ground - is not filled with morality integrity compassion or love.

I would have sworn years ago that my mother was a woman of substance, that she would not have tolerated any evil doings.  For the love of God, she didn't allow television, earrings and make-up, swearing, lying and cheating - when we were growing up. She didn't believe in birth control or divorce or stepping out of her faith. The list of sins are long and she abided by them.  She was a christian. She was a member of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church. She belonged and was accepted and she viewed the outside world as worldly, evil and any number of negative adjectives.   And YET.  She was married to a pedophile. Knew it. Covered it up. Helped him. 

 

There seems to be this really weird compartmentalizing that goes on. 

Where they have their faith.

The faith that is unshakable and blocks seeing any evil INSIDE of the religion. Inside of their homes. But the outside oh man the wrong doings they can see.  AND the judgement on those folks.  

They literally cannot see how backwards they see and how it has dire consequences for the innocent children in their charge.  

 

Many of the conservative christian women have given up the rights to their own bodies.

In some little ways and then in life altering ways. They are controlled and don't know it.

 

These closed minded folks believe THEY should be the ones deciding things.

Based on what???

Years and years of living in a small tight circle of likeminded folks - being controlled by the elders?

Who have sat in judgement and condemned those who live differently.

Folks who have not been able to see themselves from the outside looking in.

 

I only knew how backwards I was, when my world flipped upside right.

The world wasn't backwards, I WAS.

I cannot emphasize this enough. I WAS WRONG.  

 

 

What I know to be most true is the feelings I had towards myself and others while IN the church and the how my feelings change after leaving.

The night and day difference is mind shattering. Literally. 

 

While they may feel love, compassion, joy and peace IS in the conservative church and that forgiveness of sins IS the only way to heaven and being in the one right and true church, it is all fear.

Fear of the outside.

Fear of sins.

Fear of the body and it's connection to the devil (we were told)

Fear of hell

Fear of not following, conforming, not being part of.

The list of fears are endless.

 

There are grown ass adults who won't leave - due to the shunning.  They are not staying in because of LOVE, they are in the church out of fear of finding out there is no love when you leave.

If these religions were based on love.  

Love is freedom.

Period.  

They would not want to be in charge of making choices for anyone. Period.

 

Love doesn't have conditions.

Love honors truths.

Love doesn't control.

Love allows others to be who they were born to be.

Love lets each person walk their own walk - knowing we don't know what is in their hearts.

Love doesn't take their power away. 

Love empowers.

 

 

The only church I have found that can embrace my wide open heart and mind is nature.

 

When my world was falling a part. I no longer fit into my family of origin and the old church members began to shun me. I was fully accepted and embraced by the sunshine, the earth, the trees; nature.

My nature matched it.

 

My imperfections were perfect.

 

What I want women to know is your choices is yours.

Your journey is yours.

Your heart knows what it knows.

 

Empowered women, empower women.

 

If this reversal shows anything, it will show the narrow cold hearts of so many christians.  It is through narrow eyes and fear full hearts they see the world.

 

My question is, who is on the right side of this? Who has the most open mind and heart? Who walks with compassion and will hold up these women who find themselves in circumstances that few will know unless they walked there.

 

I don't believe folks can make laws/rules etc until they have walked in those shoes.

 

I know many conservative faithful women are standing in righteous contempt and believe to the depth of their souls they get it and are voting for a life.

 

I am also quite sure there are leagues of women who have blessed away sins of sexual abuse of a child - and think they are child advocates. Really.  

I know from my experiences, women of my old church who will stand against abortion; but cannot, will not, stand against the men who are hurting children. They can't stand for the children in the congregation - let alone an unknown, unborn child.

 

I have spoken to many over the years who know someone in their family is committing sexual assault on children - but the only thing they get from our conversations, in the end - is that I am trying to get them to leave the church, to put down their faith and they won't.  

I am not.

I am trying to get them to see that a child's innocence may be worth more than their faith. They disagree. The conversations stop.

They will not leave the church. 

 

How can they stand for up for a child. AND, one that is outside of their church?

Come on.  We are all soiled evil unbelievers -and I am worse I left. 

I know this is off the subject. But, what I want to share is how backwards their minds, hearts and beliefs are.  AND, these are the ones who are saying they stand for a child.

No they don't.

They stand for their faith. Period.

It only sounds christian like to stand for a child.

But, if you won't stand for yours, how will you stand for one outside of your faith.

 

I know this is a long and rambling post.

But I have no faith in the women of faith.

The women who put their faith before anything. Anything even their own child.

 

 

You Will Always Belong

I am reading about Belonging in Brene Brown's Book "Atlas of the Heart - Mapping Meaningful Connections."

"We have to belong to ourselves as much as we need to belong to others. Any belonging that asks us to betray ourselves is not true belonging."

"True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are."

"We can never truly belong if we are betraying ourselves, our ideals or our values in the process. That is why it's a mistake to think that belong is passive and simply about joining or "going along" with others. It is not. Belonging is a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. When we sacrifice who we are, we not only feel separate from others, but we even feel disconnected from ourselves."

"Because we can feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with people, our sense of belonging can never be greater that our level of self-acceptance."

 

What I love most about Belonging, is that you can only belong if you are authentic. 

And the level in which you feel deep belonging is as deep as your own self-acceptance.

 

In her book she writes about the difference between "Belonging and Fitting in"

"Belonging is being accepted for you - Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.

If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, I fit in.

Belonging is being somewhere you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere where you want to be, but they don't care one way or the other.

Not belonging at school is really hard. But it is nothing compared to what it feels like when you don't belong at home. "

 

I even looked up Self- acceptance to see if I understood that correctly.

"Self-acceptance is defined as “an individual's acceptance of all of their attributes, positive or negative"

 

When I look back at my life and where I am today, I can see how I didn't belong but fit in.

And, there were certain understandings that we all accepted in order to fit in.

 

The longing to belong was the thirst of my childhood.

When perhaps it was me seeking to accept me wholly.

To even know me completely.

 

What is sad to me, is that there are so many of us out there that don't belong.

Because we will not leave ourselves behind in order to do so.

 

When you feel that your whole self is not embraced and accepted - then we tend to back away.

 

The cult-like religions like the FALC - often want you to fit in - and when you don't you feel the shunning.

I had to look up shunning.

"Persistently avoid, ignore, or reject (someone or something) through antipathy or caution."

 

They tend to avoid and ignore those who don't fit in.

 

I don't recall feeling the deep set feelings of belonging.

I myself had very little self-acceptance. I had church acceptance IF I followed their rules.

 

What I know now is any group that doesn't allow you to be you, is not one that sees you.

Even in families - or perhaps especially in families.

She writes about her children and how she wants them to feel.

"As a parent, my goal is to help my children believe in, and belong to themselves, and to know that, no matter what, they always belong at home. That we see them and love them for who they are. The pressure to fit in is real and unrelenting, but if we can create a sense of inextricable connection, it's a fierce protector as they navigate belonging. Be here.Be you. Belong.

 

I will make a quilt with this last three lines. This is my mantra.

That is the space I want to hold for everyone.

As long as you are real, authentic and being you - you will always belong.

 

 

 

Kept Quiet

A dysfunctional childhood is hard to articulate and explain to others - you feel it is normal - when there is nothing normal about it.  You can't know the difference, when it is all you have ever known. You simply call it family.

 

Looking back into my childhood and even into adulthood - I don't recall anyone telling me we were messed up - that our family was insane and had abuse cursing through so many generations.  

 

My mother - who is not mentally well - I saw as one of high morals and values. I failed to appreciate the mental illness of her religion that created a fake reality we called normal.  I didn't see what she forgave - I only saw she was forgiving.  I didn't see what she allowed with each sin she overlooked.

Even typing this it freaks me out.

She was as evil as my father - for not reacting to his sexual abuse - by leaving and protecting the children.

 

The ideals I had in my head about my parents and their religion were all kind - hardworking - with truth and morality baked in. In my head - I had a normal family - but on paper and in reality it was far far from the truth.

 

Reality is my father on the front page of the paper with the headlines "Criminal Sexual Assault".  That is something you can't forgive and make go away.  It is.  It is more insane to believe a normal family surrounds this man. In any way shape or form.

If you were raised in this home, you are messed up.

Our discernment of truth and fiction is all twisted up and backwards.

 

What is up and what is down - what is right and what is wrong?

 

As I see my family continue to gather, I know that these sleight of hands are still at play.

There may be new individuals; but the act and drama of dysfunction are still playing along.

A new perpetrator(s) and one(s) who supports him/her.

It can be no other way.

Sexual abuse within families flows from generation to generation. IT does not die when one abusers dies.

 

There are new relationships in the old family traditions. 

The same sentiment is there - where we are kind, we are family, and family gathers.

Where relationships are built beneath the forgiveness model where reality can and will be swept away.

Not speaking the truth or being real or seeing evil is my family's strength.

My mother's blindness defined her.

 

The mental dance and drama of dysfunction is just normal life.

 

The paper and the headlines are long forgotten, rarely talked about or mentioned. Mother and her offspring still gather in the name of family. She perhaps still speaks of being "grateful we are all here together" and she is.

Each one who continues on 'playing normal' make her normal and not insane.

 

I - who stand outside of this drama trauma dysfunctional play - am seen as weird, odd, mental, cold, mean, unforgiving and unkind.  

Oddly, I represent the truth of what lies beneath our family. The sentiments they place on me - aptly describe our family.  

I was that - until I became aware.

I am wanting to spare a child - to spare a mother - a father - the pain of not knowing - that our family isn't right.  I don't want them to feel it is okay to bring children into our family. I don't want them to only see a large family of 'nice' people. I want our mental health and emotional brokenness to be known.

The first thing any new person into our family should know is what the headlines read - how traditionally the children are abused when we gather.

I have the clippings. I have a file full of 'evidence' of our truths that live in our family tree.

I wish I was told this when I was young.

I wish the family albums showed abusers.

I wish they showed why the ones who left and didn't gather, why they left.

Instead they were made out to be the cold and indifferent.

And, then the abusers and their supporters, kind family members. Really Kind???

 

Too many families pass on heirlooms and treasures - when what they really need to do in order to make healthy generations, is to pass on awareness and boundaries and truth of what is. Abuse of past generations needs to be talked about - shared loud and often.

 

It seems like a major cruelty to bring in new little ones under the auspices of family fun time.

When the likelihood of abuse is incredibly high.

There doesn't appear to have been any child spared thus far.

 

I am the outlier - the aunt and sister who stays away.

I can't know what they say about me - but I know what they said about the generation before me.

"She is cold and bitter and doesn't attend family functions."

 "Very self centered."

"Who does she think she is."

 

I don't believe we are mourned or even thought too much about - mostly what they want/need is for family to be family and not to be the story in the headlines. 

 

I recall many family reunions on my mother's side - I never once recalled a whisper about abuse that lived there. I am not the silent aunts who didn't arrive at the reunions. I am trying to speak to the next generations.  Abuse can only thrive if it is kept quiet.

Our History

One little choice can change your world, who you are, what you stand for, and the path you take.

One little liberty of refusing to wear a mask - has a snowball affect.

I wonder how many really looked at the outcome of not wearing a mask. Not the daily view; but the one that led to the Capital building.

 

If you stand up for your liberties by breaking the rules, in order to keep standing, do you have to keep breaking the rules?

 

When does it stop?

 

I am in shock and awe of the First Apostolic Lutheran church members and how many have take this route.

How being lawless and supporting those who are, is now a good thing. 

A patriot thing.

An American thing.

My head hurts trying to make sense of the senseless 

I just can't figure out their choice making, or the things they rally for, or against.

 

Yet, mostly, I am affirmed.

My experience with some folks within the church(es) has been one of sheer confusion.  And, maybe it was my naive or innocence in who I thought they were, compared to who they really are.

 

Just as it seems like a no-brainer to wear a mask and help reduce the spread of the virus and help business stay open, they go on the opposite end; assuring longer closures and more spreading.

They speak of their liberties - like they have full power of their lives, their bodies and minds. When in fact, the mask wearing was the least among all the liberties they had to lose.

It is to be standing naked and appalled being asked to take off your hat.

 

It is hard to see where their minds are and what causes them to act the way they act. Hard to understand the choices they make given the options available.  Whether to align with the laws or go against them.

 

When I first discovered my sexual abuse, I discovered church members knew and did nothing. No thing.

The very thing you think they would be up in arms about, they sat silently and often worked to keep it quiet.

 

So, in our minds, we believe that "good" christians will act this way and be on the side of the law.

When in fact, the opposite is more true.

Some will dispute this; but we are seeing actions that are showing us who they are.

As Dr. Maya Angelou says, "People show you who they are; believe them the first time."

 

I did.

I am not so in shock of how they are acting; maybe more in shock of the public displays.

The boldness and arrogance in which they are going against the rules and laws.

What appears to be anithkical to their religion perhaps is actually the core of who they are.

 

What is the character of their religion, IF it is okay with rule breaking, or turning a blind eye to the crimes against children?

A friend suggested that they confuse "leader" with abuser.

That seems right. That they can't tell the difference from an abuser to a leader Or that their leaders are abusers. So, to them an abusive leader is a leader.

And, their choice making reflects their confusions.

 

Again, I am certain there will be many who will dispute this and tell me they know exactly what they are doing and what they are standing for.  That they are being patriotic and stand up for the liberties of all.

 

There is a sleight of hands in all of this. A place where it switches from standing for liberties and breaking the laws.

A place where the knifes edge changes the side you are standing on.

The place where you slip from a law a biding citizens to a law breaker.

I have to wonder how many folks who break the law ever feel that they are in the wrong.

How many break laws every day, believing it is their right.

 

So for the many who feel I am in the wrong; perhaps you and I don't see eye to eye and for that I am grateful for.

I used to see the world with your mind.

This may seem very confusing and the ramblings of a mad woman, who is mixing my experience with the church members and how they are acting in a pandemic. I had to write the things that hurt my head.

What hurt my head, and even my heart are members of a church acting so unkindly.

I am thankful I am no longer a member.

I am grateful that I made the choice to mask up, to follow the guidelines and to be on the side of history where I don't have to break laws to keep standing up for my choice.

And each time the question arises, when we step out in public, we make the same choice OR we can choose again.  

I also wonder where the other leaders of the church are, the ones who have to be sensing the demise of their reputation as church of morals and values. No one else is speaking up, but allowing the loud group to be their voice. Is it the voice they want to represent them?

How is that quote. "It isn't the actions of our enemies; but the silence of our friends."

It feels like many christian organizations or religions who are condoning the no masking, will all lose their morals and values with this pandemic. They will lose being the heart of our communities.  They are instead the ones who are rallying against the agencies who are striving to keep us all safe.

At the end of the day, we all are going to be seen by how we act.

You may act as a group, but we all choose alone.

And, our choices become part of our history.

 

My Church

Some time ago, I began saying "My Church" when I was out on Sunday mornings in the woods.  

It was something that I truly felt; but had not really tried to explain or even think deeply about.  I just loved the time I spent, either alone or with other women, doing something we all love, outside in nature. And, if it was on Sunday Morning; it became "My Church".

It wasn't until I sat with the vast difference between nature and religion, that I felt the expansive inclusive acceptance of nature; the opposite of so many religions.

As you step into nature, nothing is required. There are no rules or sins.

 

You are fully accepted, just as you are.

 

I left religion 16 years ago.  

And, about that time found the calming nature of nature.

 

My world and life was so upside down and backwards, my heart and soul were crushed, and it felt that my home was too small to handle all the emotions that filled my body.  And, when I stepped outside in the morning, the sun would greet me, the wind and trees and ground felt solid, trustworthy and steady.

It gave me all of itself and there was nothing I had to do in order to receive it.

Nature does nothing and is everything. 

A child doesn't need to be taught about nature.

They are natural participants with it.

At one.

 

Often religion works with the mind, to bend it away from its natural leanings.

 

For instance, the body.

When you sit and think about how some religions try to rule the body, by making up rules.

No make-up, no hair dyes, no birth control etc.

 

I was just talking to a friend about my nude ladies and how I don't see them as sexual in anyway; but women who are at ease in their skin. Who are empowered and free.  Who love themselves with all their flaws and celebrate who they are and how far they have come. The struggles and the pain, to land in peace and acceptance.

 

I see my ladies and nature as one.  

Just excited to be who and what they are.

A tree of a certain type is that.

A body of a certain type is that.

Only man, and often religion create a rule that limits that or tries to oppress it.

Willing its will against the nature of things.

What I know to be true, is that nature is a loving open space that gives.

Acceptance and oodles of space to just be.

It asks nothing of you.

 

Imagine the largeness of it.

I have said my definition of love is freedom.

And, that is also my definition of my religion.

Freedom to be who you were born to be.

Freedom to express yourself with the body you have.

Freedom to feel love of your own self.

To love not only your body, but to love the nature of who you are.

To love the accumulation of who you have been, to where you now are.

 

I almost feel that religion is the opposite of nature.

It is so unaccepting - contained - and limited.

 

The difference between the two, leaves me breathless.

 

All I know, is that my life; my heart and body and soul feel complete when I am in nature.

 

My old religion had me believing in my wretchedness.  My sinful, blah blah blah.

I 'needed' to be saved, needed to do this and then that. And, couldn't do this or that. Ya da ya da....

 

Nature is.

There.

And you enter.

Amen.

 My Church.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disturb the comfortable.

"Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable." Cesar A. Cruz.

 

What is the role of artists in a land that is fueled by division?

What can we as individuals do to balance the imbalance?

 

When things seem the most insane, what is the sane thing to do?

How can we knit together a human moral and value system that includes all?

My intentions are to support those who are trying to evolve humanity.

Or, even more themselves.

 

Each of us have one life and live in close proximity with our own truths.

I celebrate those who have adventured into new territories from that which they were raised.

Explored different pathways and byways.

Sought and created friends from different walks of life.

All of this will create a beautiful tapestry of difference; where it will be harder to see the other as 'evil'.

 

What seems like "evil" is often another way of life.

Another's journey, that we know nothing about.

We can't know where they have walked, and the choices that were available.

 

Let us all be reminded we are more alike than we are different and help each other out of their complacency of systems that were designed to exclude huge segments of humanity.

As an artist, I will strive to disturb the comfortable.

 

 

 

 

 

Our own free will.

Below is a link I was given - to help me understand how some churches support Donald Trump.

https://cornerstonechapel.net/?page_id=418&i=1538

In listening to this, I do understand more.  

I understand why they would not want change to come to a system that their religion fits into so comfortably.  One that appears to match their interpretations of the Bible.  A system that sees the world, as they see the world.

It matches, and is comfortable.

And, it keeps 'evil' out.

 

What my experience of my religion was, is that those who didn't believe like us or who would threaten our beliefs, they were evil.  If their morals and values didn't match ours, they were seen as threats.

 

When religion gets into politics, it gets real messy really fast.

 

Then politics start to look more like a religion - and morals and values are passed through the lens of certain religions.  God starts to be pigeon holed into places and removed from others.

Maybe when religion gets into humanity, we all lose.

 

What I know, is that without a religion, I don't fear anything threatening who I am, what I stand for, and how I live my life.  I don't want a religion trying to interfere with my own moral compass.

 

I am one of the lucky ones. I can freely live as myself - and I have privilege to do so.

 

Yet, there are many religions whose teachings look down upon others and take away their rights to be themselves.  And, often these religions, see themselves are morality keepers.

 

I listened to Matthew McConaughey's book and a few of his interviews - About "Greenlights" his book.

What he would like to see is all of us agreeing on values as humanity.

What do we as humanity value most?

What will give respect to all?

What are the values that will serve all of humanity, not just a few who happen to look and believe like us.

Value-

"the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth..."  

"a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.

 

What are the principles and standards for being human?

What can our government do to help raise the value of all of us?

Humanity will benefit greatly when all of us are seen as valuable.

 

What I value is individual-ness, uniqueness - people being their authentic selves. I don't want cookie cutter groups of humanity. I don't want sameness. I want each of us to be able to live fully in our own expressions of who we are.  

There are aspects of government that are tricky and messy and when we all work towards value, perhaps we can see clearer.  

I don't want a government that values one religion over another. One way to see God over another. One sex of humanity over another, one sexual preference over another...

Mostly the evolution and peacefulness of humanity will be when we all see our individual value as well as the value of all others.

I do think we vote for what matters to us. 

What matters to me, is that we all get to live our lives reaching our highest potential.  

We will not all rise to the same level or become the same; but we will bring our uniqueness to the world.

A world of beautiful individuals being themselves.

 

We all lose when there is someone using their power to take away the power of another.

We will all gain, when we can become self-empowered.

 

A relationship that has two empowered individuals living their lives to their highest - is one that honors each person. That is the humanity I want to live with.  

Isn't that what God gave us - our own free will.

 

 

 

 

The Loud Few

When I read in the paper - " the silent majority are just dying to speak up" - I thought how confused they are.  The Silent Majority doesn't speak up.  They don't go in parades that would show their sides. They are silent.

Here is the definition of the Silent Majority.

"The silent majority is an unspecified large group of people in a country or group who do not express their opinions publicly."

 

When you are in a Trump train of vehicles - you have stepped out of the silent majority and have chosen a side.  

 

I am confused.

By how so many self proclaimed conservative religious folk  (FALC and Old Apostolic )are supporting Trump.

I cannot see how they can overlook so much about him.

I feel that who he is, what he stands for is at odds with their principles.

Yet, maybe their principles are now showing.

 

Their religious values don't seem to meld with his character - or do they?

 

When the book and the bird disagree - believe the bird or  

Birds of a feather flock together.

 

Something between the two seem to match - it may be deeper than just the outer words.

The systems they both use?

I truly am confused by how vehemently they have thrown their support for him.

 

I also wondered if politics and religion have ever been so closely aligned or in bed together?

I don't recall the actual political leaning of my old religion.  If it had one, I wasn't aware.

Do religions pick candidates?

Or do most churches remain silent.

 

Again, the character of the man - and the character of the folks within these strict religions has to match.

Or, what are you drawn to when you vote?

Do you vote for a person's character?

Is it possible not to have your character involved in being president?

Or more, does character matter in your religions?

In your partners, and friends?

When does character matter?

I have more questions and puzzlements with the strict religions in our area who are so loud about Trump.

I just truly don't get it.

And, then I do.

 

I do understand the juxtaposition, the sleight of hands, the facade and the truth.  My experience of what I thought the church was and what it turned out to be, was completely the opposite.

It was empty of the morals and values I believed were there.

 

A part of me is still fighting for the church.

For it to have deep rooted morals and values, to have humanity at its core.  

And yet,  many of you are showing me, affirming my experience, that the character of the church matches Trump.

 

To have him the presidential candidate -  of the strictest religions up here boggles my mind.

He has become even bigger than the head of the church.

Or so it looks to me, from the outside.

 

It is weird to say the least.

"When someone shows you who they are, Believe them the first time." Dr. Maya Angelou

Harder than believing who Donald Trump is, IS believing who the strict religious people are who are aligned with him.  Who are these people really?

Again, this is an old religion of mine.

One that failed me and still I was wanting more from them.

More value, more morals, more character... more wisdom and intellect and kindness. More humanity and wanting more for everyone - Equality and choices and women's rights etc...when I know, this isn't what their religion is about.

Which is why they match.

Donald Trump is the political representation that equals their religion.

They are not the silent majority; but the loud few.

 

My free spirit parade - humanity all being equal in love peace and joy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

To Be Alone

Many years ago, I used to see my mother in my eyes.  And, it caused me to not want to look into a mirror. I didn't see her image so much as her energy.  It is hard to explain but I would catch a glimpse of my mother and it would freak me out; mostly because I didn't want to become her.

 

During the pandemic, when they shut down the hair salons, I allowed my gray hair to come forth.  It wasn't until I had it cut short, to go natural, did I realize how much like my mother I now look, due to the gray hair.

 

Now I am seeing her often in the mirror.  

My age,

my hair,

her face and mine, blurring into one.

Yet the one isn't me.

It is her.

As me.

I want to be natural and not have to worry about color.

I want to be me.

Just me.

No mother.

No connection to the past  - in the mirror.

I have her toes too.

Those don't bother me as much.

It is to see her face sorta weaving and ebbing with mine.

The hair.

 

I need to make this hair color mine too.

It may just be the shock of it.

From brown to gray that sped me closer to old looking.

Her looking.

 

I feel different with the gray hair; more authentic and free.

I feel more me, until I look in the mirror and see where I came from.

And that is true too.

It is just not a warm and fuzzy feeling to see her there in me.

 

Maybe she's on my mind more now in summer, when she's here.

Here in my space

And, in my mirror.

 

It's hard to not feel I am becoming her.

With age.

Being a grandma

In gray hair.

 

I want to be me, just me.  Not see my past in the mirror.

But is that possible to erase her from my DNA, my features - Me?

 

I can see how folks who transition must feel - sorta - to try and find a Me that has no trace of the self before.

I am estranged; and yet I see her in me.

So am I?

 

Perhaps my transition was inner.

My insides are different.

It is true, I was her - I emulated her - in her faith, in her blindness, in her lack of self, her need for control - oh how I used to be her.

But, my insides changed.

My beliefs are different.

I have a self.

I grew me into someone who I love and feel deeply connected to. 

I love that I have boundaries and requirements.
I have passions and things that make me unique and Me.

 

I am different inside.

Yet my outside is more her than ever before.

 

I will try to funk her up, my outside image. I will have to work to make her even more unique and put my stamp on her.

A transition to becoming less my mother, and more Me.

The church frowned upon painting our nails. I now own them and love to have pedicures. My toes look fancy and not like my mother's.

It will take time; but slowly I will own my gray hair and see less of my mother there.

 

I do feel sad for the girl inside of me, who is wanting separation from her mother.

I feel the un-naturalness of pushing away.

The emptiness when I look up.

 

But I also feel the fierceness of being Me and owning my image in the mirror.

 

When I first began changing inside, I would see my mother in my eyes from time to time, until she no longer was there. Will the same happen to my image?  Will I continue to change until she no longer is seen there?

 

I fear that I will never outlive or grow enough to be free of her.

She will forever reside in the circle just outside of me.

An image

A flitter

A glance

A ghost 

A reminder

Of the old me.

Alive, but dead to me.

 

This is an odd grief.

A sadness wanting to be free of someone.

The upside-down-ness of estrangement.

Seeking to be free - and sorrowful to be alone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Revolting against It

We see the world through our beliefs, our fears and often our guilt, and even our wishes.  

It is hard to get a clear view of reality.  

A reality that is stripped of everything but actions.

 

Reality is often divided into those who see, and those who are blind.

Or more, those who believe and then the nonbelievers.

 

In my experience, it is near impossible to change someone else's mind.

Or, to clear their vision.

 

The believers believe in that which they have been programmed to believe.

Actions will not sway them, facts will not be allowed to enter into their already made up minds. 

 

Reality doesn't care what you believe or what programs you have running in your head.

Reality is.

And, wins only but 100% of the time.

 

There is no point in fighting, fearing and arguing with it.  The sooner you can come to peace with reality, the more conscious your choices will be.

 

As a wise woman said, "In the moment of a crisis, you are only given a few choices."

 

In the case of this pandemic, we only have a few choices. We are either part of the slow down or part of the problem.

 

What has been so interesting to me, is that the folks who belong to a very strict religion, a religion who has been telling them what to believe and directing their lives since childhood, are now up in arms about the government "TELLING THEM WHAT TO DO!

I am perplexed by their response.

And, then not.

 

The religion dogma or conditioning is a sleight-of-hands, in which they have been brainwashed; but feel they have free will.

This is very hard to understand or for me to articulate.

Brainwashed controlled folks, acting like they are free, and that the government is trying to control them. They don't want to have their rights taken away, when they have already given them up to the church.

What free liberties do they truly have?

The women do not have rights to their own bodies.

The things they are not allowed to do - sins - control them in ways they cannot see - BUT they feel they are free.  Freely choosing to not do this or that.

 

It blows my mind, and not. That the most controlled folks are now up in arms about the government telling us to stay home for the health of others.  

They are more concerned about their rights and being controlled, then infecting others by their actions; or non actions.

 

Their fear of losing their power, which is already gone, is what is causing them to act irrationally.

 

Perhaps it is their subconsciousness making them revolt. They can't afford to lose whatever small freedoms they have left.

 

It isn't the Covid 19 that has them in fear.  It is the way the government is choosing to slow down its spread. They are unwilling to lose their freedom to save the life of someone they don't know.  

And, I am sure some are afraid of the loss of their jobs, money and what it will do to them financially. But, what I hear most is the conspiracy and how the quarantine is infringing upon their rights.

 

Mostly, it is complicated. We are all coming from different walks of life, being asked to do the same thing.  

Being one that still has to work, my circumstances feel different.  We try to follow the rules while being out and about.  

I respect the virus, and I fear those who are revolting against it.