IMPERFECT Lady

I will be her - until...

 

 

 

I am reading her book "Between Two Kingdoms" - well listening to her read her book. I love the way she re-frames things in order for her to really live life.

We often feel like there is a 'correct' way of being.

And, that after life interrupting events, there is a 'normal' place that is waiting for us to arrive.

 

What I know from experience, the quicker you can disregard the ideas of normal - or believing that you are 'supposed' to be this way or that, the quicker you will find a new stride.

The new stride doesn't have to feel easy or comfortable.

The new way of being means you are okay with you.

 

The 'after' you.

 

She is right in saying that the hardest part was after the trauma.  The hard part is to integrate back to a life.

A life that now holds a stranger - You.

 

It isn't as if life itself all alters and reflects your own changes.  Instead we have to adjust ourselves in order to hop back on the merry-go-round called life.

 

Some of my hardest days came long after leaving my family.

Long after the last conversation.

 

More, the hardest part of all, was becoming the new version of me that now held sexual abuse -dysfunctional family- toxic religion. How do I live as this?

 

She talks about leaving the hospital without the inner scaffolding inside of her.

THIS, I know way too well.

 

Inside of us, unbeknownst to us, is a scaffolding that holds us up.

It is who we know ourselves to be, and fit into the world around us.

You don't know know that it is there - but you will certainly know when it is no longer there.

 

Learning to re-build a life after a life interrupting event - takes time.

And, Fearlessness.

an, open heart

and the belief that you can live a life worth living again.

That you can take the heart that has been shattered, and love from there.

 

My second build of scaffolding was done by me.

It was directed by me.

It is strongly structured by things I know that strengthen me and bring me love, peace and joy.

 

Early on I realized the before me would never live again.

I had to find a way to be me, without her and what she was built of.

 

It is hard to describe the hollow scary spot you get left in - when your scaffolding collapses.

When there is very little that is holding you up.

 

I love how she sees the world of two kingdoms and how we move between the two.

Yet, in estrangement - we mostly are divided into one camp or the other.

It is rare for us to move between.

You are either in the family, or out of it.

 

So, while she worked to assimilate back into society and find a new self.

I was more learning to live without a family and be that girl - in society.

 

Our society has placed great value in family.

With reason.

 

I too believe in family.

When family has a pure core.

 

It is funny, in a peculiar way, that in order to save my own family - I had to leave my family of origin.

 

If we live long enough, all of us will face some kinds of interruptions in our lives.

 

The lives we believe will go on forever will, at some point, be changed.

And, when that happens, you will have to change - in order to live whole.

 

Accepting the unacceptable - is to live whole.

Bringing with you all the broken parts and live and love from there.

 

I have felt that the cost of leaving my family had to equal the value of my new life.

I needed and sought out a life worth having.

I intentionally brought in what made my heart happy. 

I wasn't interested in doing or being fake for the sake of someone or something.

I needed/wanted a scaffolding of value - as this new me.

 

The biggest lesson we can learn from her, is that we don't need to be defined by what happened to us, and that we can change who we are when life changes us. And, that all life dark times don't last forever and we can have a wider broader and deepened sense of self - after.

 

We should teach more of how life can change us.

How we can live more than one self in our life times.

 

I love the 2.2 version of Me.  

I will be her - until...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wholeheartedly Themselves

 

Here is me talking at my I M Perfect Workshop at Michigan Tech.  

It's hard to look at objectively.  Yet it is the imperfections that make it perfect.

After watching Janet Mock, speak on Soul Series, I came away with how we present ourselves to the world.

How do we clearly articulate the totality of our journey...or what parts do we omit due to their contents?

What I am trying to present is that the imperfections of my life are actually the truth of it and it is okay to present IT all.

Oddly, in society, we tend to only present the parts of ourselves that society accepts.

And, isn't it odd, that society, as a rule, only wants to celebrate the positives.  But, it is the negatives that shape who we are...or it is in HIDING, the negatives that has us limping along while trying to not show it.

Perhaps I get a pass, in not being too polished, for it is my scars and pain that I speak about.  I am not perfect when measured by society's ruler.

How many of us are?

And further, how many of us struggle to reach a state of perfection that is impossible to reach....and then feel ourselves lacking because of it.

Imagine a world where we all see our scars and beautiful truth markers...and feel our strength and courage from having lived such a colorful and rich life of diverse experiences?

Being proud of our battle scars and our ability to not let them define us.

I feel there is a movement, a stirring within so many...to embrace and expose their inner truths.  To even expect society to rebuff our truths and imperfections.  The movement of being authentic instead of perfect.

Or perfectly authentic.

I am proud to be marching ahead while many in society rebuff my presentation...for what they are truly rebuffing is the whole truth of who I am.  And, I believe, rebuffing due to their own lack of self acceptance.

In the past, it was me that was in denial, me who rebuffed my feelings, and the truth buried deep within.

Those who cheer me on are thee authentic, or those striving to be wholeheartedly themselves.

 

 

A Thumbnail of my journey...

 

I now have one of my public speaking moments on You Tube.  It was taken on a cell phone, so of course the quality isn't up to par, but the message still holds.  This was in the summer of 2012.

As I drifted off to sleep last night, I wondered to whom this speech would be helpful to or who would benefit or be inspired.  

It hit me....family.

That's who needs to hear about a pedophile in their midst are family members; the ones whose lives and their children's lives are at risk.  And, yet these are the same members who don't want to hear about it.

Speaking about my father to a room full of strangers who don't have any contact with him isn't helpful. But, if the family would have heard me, its impact would have left large ripple affects.

When any victim of incest speaks out; the ones to benefit the most are those closest to them.

For all the statistic show that 90% of sexual abuse will be with someone you know, and of that, 50% with family.  My public speaking isn't for the general public, but for those connected to me, my siblings and my parents.  However, no family ever attends my speeches.

It is for those who are close enough to be infected by either the abuse or the denial.

This was my first speech....in public.  Yet, I have spoken about sexual abuse in much more  detail....one on one.  I have spent hours and hours trying to find a way to get family to hear. (whether in the spoken word or in writing here on the blog) 

It doesn't appear to matter how good the venue is, or how articulate the words, or whether I am barely contained in anger and rage, or speaking from concern....it all falls upon the deaf ears of family.

What I mean by this, is that they have refused to give up on our family; no matter what.  They have chosen to keep me at a distance in order to save any familiar shreds of family.  

I for one, know how life changing it is to really bring in the totality of your sexual abuse.  Especially to see your family in its horrific reality. I know the cost of hearing me.

My speaking engagements are no longer for my family to hear; but for those like I, who are estranged.  To give hope that there is life and love, outside of the dysfunctional homes...and relationships.  AND, to show the actual growth in fabric of your self-esteem and awareness and Self Love!  

I speak as a victim.  For I am.

But, I also speak as one who has found her power.

Which makes me no longer an active victim...if you will.

What I love about this speech is that the conception of WIND was just beginning...and here we are 2 1/2 years later going strong.  WIND is what I imagined...and beyond.  

It isn't so much my speech, but my life and all the walking it took to bring me to that podium.  The speech is just a thumbnail of my journey...

(coming soon to You Tube...I M Perfect Workshop)