IMPERFECT Lady

Not for Naught.

In a podcast I learned a deeper understanding of Emotionally Immature Parents.  

You can read or listen more at https://momastery.com/blog/we-can-do-hard-things-ep-263/

There are two back to back episodes. 

 

I have lived this - on both sides.

I have had parents who were emotionally immature, and I was a parent who was emotionally immature.

 

My mother used to say, I was mature beyond my years - and I used to think this was a good thing. What it really meant, was that I had learned to care for others emotions.  Not mine - others.

 

And, I wasn't born an old soul. I was a child - who was put in charge of things way beyond my years.

What this does is, while tending to others - I neglected me.

I lost Me.

I stopped growing and being with my own emotions.

 

My own emotions were stunted and left unattended - which probably made me an easier target for abuse.

 

I had to tend to my mother's emotional needs. 

 

What is so odd about this all - is that we don't know we are doing this or that our mother is emotionally immature -  yet we feel this dance.  The ironclad bond of being attached to our mother's happiness or equilibrium.

I am not even sure I can adequately articulate this.  

Yet this is so clear and runs deep into my DNA.

 

This is a legacy that has crippled my family of origin.

 

Emotional immaturity has others in control of your emotions.

You are powerless - and need to control others - for they hold the buttons that engage your emotions.

 

And, they define who you are.  You see yourself through them. They have the power to make you a good mom, a good wife, a good friend.  Without them - you seem to disappear - for you haven't tended you.  The you inside of you is barely there.

 

I recall the feelings of having no me - as much as I recall stopping to tend to my mother and her emotions.

 

There was a pivotal moment where my childhood wounds and their emotions - needed me to tend to them - and that my mother and her world had messes so beyond my scope to handle.  A one two punch that landed me facing my own immature emotions -as a woman of 46.

 

There are moments on my journey of growing my emotional intelligence - that stand out so clear - where it was jaw dropping in how much I had neglected and how much I had failed to even be aware of.

 

As a child, even a grown child - it was earth shattering to see that the woman I had tended to - was so small in inner substance.  How terrifying this would have been to see as a child.  

 

There didn't appear to be any adult who was emotionally mature enough to face reality.

 

And I was her mirror.

 

Emotional immature people need a reality that sits at their level emotions.

My mother's emotions couldn't handle the weight of the reality of the abuse in her home and in her church.

She still can't.

 

I don't know what made me different. 

I don't know why I was able to see reality.

To see Me not there.

To see her and her denial.

To see how abusive our legacy is.

And I don't know how I had the strength and wherewithal to dare change. To stop tending to her emotions and even more to start tending to mine.

 

I had to begin with my broken child self - that I had left unattended on so many levels.

A broken me fixing me and disappointing a mother I had tended to for so so many years.

The strains and pulls upon me were tied deeply into generations of women who lived without a self.

 

What I know to be true, any woman who has a good grasp on themselves and is emotionally matured would never look away from a child who was abused.

 

Only those who cannot see themselves - cannot see a child.

 

When I focused on me and growing my self - I broke this legacy on my limb of our family tree.

 

I know I appear different - and that I appear heartless to no longer be tending to my mother's emotional needs. 

 

In one of the episodes, they speak of feeling like an allergic reaction when in the presence of emotionally immature people. I get it.  Something inside of me pushes me away from them.

 

Perhaps I know, to be with them - I will leave me unattended.

 

It was good to listen to the description of what I went through way back then.

If my only legacy is emotional maturity - my life mattered and my pain was not for naught.

 

 

 

 

 

I Hold You in My Heart

I watched Michele Obama being interviewed about her latest book "The Light We Carry" with Oprah and they talked about Michele's friends.  The ones she calls her Kitchen Table.

 

The Kitchen Table has a relaxed image - one where we don't have to put on aires. We can be ourselves in this group.  In fact, we feel at home with them and our truth is honored.

 

These friends are found along our journey of life.  We carry them with us, as we grow, evolve and face some of life's darkest moments and celebrate with us our achievements and joys.

 

As I sit here today, I am reminded of the girls who have been with me.

Watched me grow and change and lead a life that some can't understand.

 

Not all my friends have continued on with me. Some found my table to hard to sit at - my truths too upsetting to their beliefs.  My voice spoke of things they need kept silent. 

 

There have been times in my life my table was crowded - and other times many empty chairs. 

 

I have a friend from my middle school days - we had years of silence and now we are reconnected.  We both had life experiences that changed us - and yet we still fit together. I treasure our friendship and how she holds so much of my history and embraces my new self.  A friendship that can hold changes feels good to me.

 

When my kids were little, another mom with young kids and I connected. She wasn't from the church I was in at the time. We felt at home with each other - we clicked.   When she moved away, we lost touch for awhile - and now when life throws us a curve ball - the other catches it. She gets me and has loved me unconditionally and I her.

 

I found a friend at one of my jobs who was the best thing that came from working there.  A sister friend is how she feels.  We can share our lives with each other and there is no shame or critical eye. Just an open space to sort out life.  We too had moments in life where our lives were busy and perhaps we didn't need the counseling space - and then other times we talked daily.

 

I have found friends during their time of need and I felt my history of loss would be helpful - and over time we have bonded deeply.  Sisters who have shared darkness and found hope. Sisters who travel down pathways each never saw coming. We have deep heart connections.  And, we walked each other towards the light - found hope in the hopeless and joy we didn't think possible. We have witnessed each others growth and success of thriving after heartache.

 

I love that some of my Kitchen Table friends have encouraged me to be an adventure girl- I have wonderful women who enjoy the outside. These ladies have grown me. I am different with a garage full of gear that I use in different seasons.  Some are badass and make me feel kinda badass myself. Being outside and challenging myself has helped my self-esteem.

 

I have artist friends who are great cheerleaders and sounding blocks. Some have been with me from my very early years.  Sharing your art is sharing your soul.  These are brave vulnerable souls.  

 

I look back at some of the friends I had from the church - wistfully.  We shared the common belief system - and were comrades of sorts - with similar foes.  I have lost some that still hurt my heart - our common ground slipped away.

 

At one time, I thought wrongly - that I didn't need new friends - that I was too old to start making new ones.  

 

What a mistake that would have been.  I continue to meet women who I click with and we are in the early stages of friendship.  We can't know where we go, what we do and how long we share our lives together.

The best part about my kitchen table - we can laugh, cry and be silly. We can share our hopes, our dreams and our deepest fears. We can work out life's difficult questions and debate our differences.  

The differences in my friends help me to see life from so many aspects. Views I couldn't have reached on my own.

 

Being away from my family of origin left me with quite a hole.  These friendship over the past few decades have filled so much emptiness. They opened their arms and hearts to me.

 

One of my oldest friends recently told me that families are not as advertised.

I sat with that awhile and found she was on to something.

 

Friendships and who sits at the Kitchen Table with us is so much different. We decide who is worthy of our time and truths - who come in carrying the fullness of who they are.

My Kitchen Table is much more welcoming as I age - or maybe because I am religionless - but I love the beauty of uniqueness - I love strength of character; I love characters!  

My Kitchen Table has empty chairs and is ever expanding in size - I look forward to the new ones I have yet to meet.

And my kitchen door works both ways. I do understand how some had to leave and more could do so in the future. I part in peace.  I know we lasted our season and reason. Not all are meant to be life long friends.

 

I love my Kitchen Table friends for being who they are, and for making me a better Me. My heart is full when I think of you all.

I hold you in my heart.

Dance Party!

I live in peace

Ten years ago today, I was the Keynote Speaker at Dial Help's Gala held at Michigan Tech. My Storyline quilts were also on display. I was going public in a fancy way.

 

I remember the feelings of shame/anxiety and angst that collided with strength, empowerment and courage. I felt fear and bravely went ahead anyway. I also was excited to show my quilts - my journey in fabric. The beautiful colors, expressions and healing they held.

A friend said, it was my coming out.

 

In a way, it was me introducing me to the world - the me free from the cloud of denial. Yet she was fairly new to herself - I can see now - 10 years later.

 

While I was in the healing process - and had uncovered and lay bare so much of my wound - I hadn't the time for re-growth. I was still pretty raw and yet I stood up and shared a part of the victim's journey.

The main idea was to be the voice I had longed for, and to speak about what is most often kept silent.

 

Having my quilts present with me, softened and made more palatable my words.

 

Speaking truthfully about the reality of having a pedophile for a father and a mother who knew and allowed it to continue for generations - and how it sets you up in reality - was my tone for the talk.

 

What is so hard for others to understand is how at 46 I suddenly knew what I didn't know before. How denial is just that denial. 

 

When you are raised in a false landscape, you believe it to be your truth. You are not given both sides to debate with.  It is very difficult for my mind to understand the depth and darkness of denial - let alone explain it.  The sheer will of the mind is against you.

What I know to be true, is that there are many souls who live in the land of denial. They believe in its false truths as if they were true.  They are lost among the false realities and are unaware.

Many people believe that denial is a thing you contemplate and then execute. When in fact it happens prior to thought. 

Or more, there is no other choice available.

Until there is.

You don't know what you don't know, until you know.

 

My years of living in denial feel like a separate life - and I died in that one at 46.

 

This second life I am living is so drastically different, I am a new me.

 

The me I am today, even 10 years after the Gala is so much more at peace, in love and with joy - it is beyond what my imagination could imagine.

 

I know that when I began walking out of denial - the future was a ghost on the horizon of 'someday'.

I lived for this moment in time. I took one step at a time hoping I could change the legacy of my family.

I wasn't following a pathway that held a specific destination or place marked "healed" or "whole" or even happy.  All I knew for sure, is that I couldn't repeat what I had lived through.  I wasn't going to be my mother whose blindness and ability to live well in denial cost so many little ones their innocence.

I had to try and walk different. Live different and make choices that cost me my family of origin.

I had to.

 

I had to try. 

 

I didn't once again know what I didn't know. 

I was beginning a journey with a new self into a foreign land of truths and mental awareness. 

And, I was taking my family with me - whether they knew it or not - we'd all experience the effects of my choices.  It wasn't easy for them - or for any one of us.  Being different isn't an easy role to live out. In dysfunctional families it often means estrangement. 

 

We have to make the choices that separate us from the patterns and often that means ending relationships.  Anyone who sided with the pedophile was automatically distanced from.  There was no other way.

There isn't a spot in a relationship that will tolerate child abuse - and family love.

You simply cannot have both.

You get to pick one.

 

What I am most proud of is my ability to stay the course - losing so many along the way.

The relationship deaths were and are, real deaths. 

We ceased to exist for each other.

 

The reason abuse continues on for generations is the inability to sever ties with family.

Those who can, are becoming more and more common.  I do know others now who have left their families for the same reasons. Whereas ten years ago, I knew no one - only a few authors.

 

Looking backwards over the years, I know it was hard and I am not sure where I got my inner determination and grit to stick it out. To walk away from a large family - but I did.

 

I am hopeful as I watch the new generation of my family tree - move through life - they do now have both sides I didn't have. They have me speaking truthfully and acting out that truth, as I stay way from family functions - they are spared denial.

 

Even if, or maybe especially if the reality is harsh and brutal and abuse of children happens - I will speak of it. I will do and say and be the one to says out loud - what needs to be said.

The difference truth would have made to my childhood and the childhood of my sisters and our friends is quite shocking.  So many are now lost to themselves, their own truths and self-love, self-empowerment and a life free of denial.

 

I think the biggest or greatest loss is the loss of self.  

Denying our own truths, our hurts, our fears...and a clear mind.

A mind that can hold even the most shocking of truths.

Yet, often our denial begins with abuse and spares us the harsh reality we live in.

So, while we live in the harsh reality, our minds transpose a nicer overlay of loving kindness.

 

What I am most grateful for is being able to see - even if at first I saw too much - and that I had the ability to speak about what I saw and how it impacted my world.  How freeing it was to be able to walk hand and hand with the truth.  The more I shared and the more I wrote and posted, the more I defined me and began to build me.

 

Ten years and counting from the gala - 17 years and counting waking up from denial.  I love who I am becoming.

 

If my legacy is to give other little girls the chance to know themselves and be themselves and live their truths - I live in peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I will be her - until...

 

 

 

I am reading her book "Between Two Kingdoms" - well listening to her read her book. I love the way she re-frames things in order for her to really live life.

We often feel like there is a 'correct' way of being.

And, that after life interrupting events, there is a 'normal' place that is waiting for us to arrive.

 

What I know from experience, the quicker you can disregard the ideas of normal - or believing that you are 'supposed' to be this way or that, the quicker you will find a new stride.

The new stride doesn't have to feel easy or comfortable.

The new way of being means you are okay with you.

 

The 'after' you.

 

She is right in saying that the hardest part was after the trauma.  The hard part is to integrate back to a life.

A life that now holds a stranger - You.

 

It isn't as if life itself all alters and reflects your own changes.  Instead we have to adjust ourselves in order to hop back on the merry-go-round called life.

 

Some of my hardest days came long after leaving my family.

Long after the last conversation.

 

More, the hardest part of all, was becoming the new version of me that now held sexual abuse -dysfunctional family- toxic religion. How do I live as this?

 

She talks about leaving the hospital without the inner scaffolding inside of her.

THIS, I know way too well.

 

Inside of us, unbeknownst to us, is a scaffolding that holds us up.

It is who we know ourselves to be, and fit into the world around us.

You don't know know that it is there - but you will certainly know when it is no longer there.

 

Learning to re-build a life after a life interrupting event - takes time.

And, Fearlessness.

an, open heart

and the belief that you can live a life worth living again.

That you can take the heart that has been shattered, and love from there.

 

My second build of scaffolding was done by me.

It was directed by me.

It is strongly structured by things I know that strengthen me and bring me love, peace and joy.

 

Early on I realized the before me would never live again.

I had to find a way to be me, without her and what she was built of.

 

It is hard to describe the hollow scary spot you get left in - when your scaffolding collapses.

When there is very little that is holding you up.

 

I love how she sees the world of two kingdoms and how we move between the two.

Yet, in estrangement - we mostly are divided into one camp or the other.

It is rare for us to move between.

You are either in the family, or out of it.

 

So, while she worked to assimilate back into society and find a new self.

I was more learning to live without a family and be that girl - in society.

 

Our society has placed great value in family.

With reason.

 

I too believe in family.

When family has a pure core.

 

It is funny, in a peculiar way, that in order to save my own family - I had to leave my family of origin.

 

If we live long enough, all of us will face some kinds of interruptions in our lives.

 

The lives we believe will go on forever will, at some point, be changed.

And, when that happens, you will have to change - in order to live whole.

 

Accepting the unacceptable - is to live whole.

Bringing with you all the broken parts and live and love from there.

 

I have felt that the cost of leaving my family had to equal the value of my new life.

I needed and sought out a life worth having.

I intentionally brought in what made my heart happy. 

I wasn't interested in doing or being fake for the sake of someone or something.

I needed/wanted a scaffolding of value - as this new me.

 

The biggest lesson we can learn from her, is that we don't need to be defined by what happened to us, and that we can change who we are when life changes us. And, that all life dark times don't last forever and we can have a wider broader and deepened sense of self - after.

 

We should teach more of how life can change us.

How we can live more than one self in our life times.

 

I love the 2.2 version of Me.  

I will be her - until...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inner energy

"If you focus on what you have, you gain what you lack. And, if you focus on what lack, you lose what you have."  Greg McKeown (on Tim Ferris's podcast)

 

Greg and Tim were talking about gratitude - on being grateful for what is in our lives right now.

Especially when things are not going according to plan.

To not get swept up in the worst case scenario thoughts our minds love to play with. But instead to see, really see, what is in your lives in this moment in time.

Right here, right now, as they are.

 

In another part of their conversation they talked about the weight of things we carry with us; in our minds and hearts.

Heavy things - like unresolved relationships, or resentments, anger etc.

We don't realize how much these things use up our energy and vitality.

I sat with that.

Trying to feel my body to see where I may still carry things I need to put down.

 

Things that are not mine to carry.

Or, things I carry because I didn't get to resolve them in the manner I would have liked.

 

These things will show up as anger, stress, worry, etc.

Holding on to resentments weigh you down and make it harder to live lightly.

With a light heart.

 

I am going to pay attention to where my mind goes and what slurps up my energy with unsettled thoughts in my mind.

 

We are responsible for the energy we bring in the room, as Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor says, but we are also responsible for the energy we carry with us.

I want to carry more thoughts, and images, and good energy, of the things that make my heart sing, and less sorrows and weight, of things I cannot change.

 

I am responsible for how my insides feel.

I notice when toxic thoughts and energies are inside of me.

I work to find ways in calming them down and removing them.

Mostly I have learned that, "When I believe my thoughts, I suffer..." as Byron Katie says.

Especially if those thoughts are not true in reality.

 

I lived a very weighted life for many many years.  

I am so ever grateful for the way my insides feel inside.

 

Each time you can remove a stressful thought, or drop a resentment; you rise and live a lighter life.

I am not sure I ever thought of thoughts having a weight to them

But, even if we can't physically weigh them, they will make our lives feel heavy.

Our bodies feel less energetic.

 

I am going to keep my eye out for things that weigh me down.

And, more seek things that make me feel lighter!

I am responsible for my inner energy.

 

 

 

 

 

What didn't happen

"Therapy is about grief; the grief of what didn't happen." Edith Eger

I heard this on a podcast yesterday with Brene Brown and Edith.  

 

When you look at your traumas this way, and how you navigate through them, it makes more sense that we are grieving what didn't happen.

What didn't happen after.

What others didn't do.

What we won't be able to do.

There are huge volumes of loss that ripple away from the original trauma.

 

What didn't happen to me is a huge hole of sadness.

 

When you are in a family, there are many things you take for granted - all things that happen.

And, if you are in a caring and nurturing family, the things that do happen feel like love.

When your family is dysfunctional and toxic, you grieve what doesn't happen.

Even if you weren't aware of it consciously, there was an un-named sadness that was the backdrop of your childhood.

 

And, even always seeking and wanting more.

We just didn't know the more we sought, was grieving what didn't happen.

 

In seeing trauma and childhood wounds in the light of what didn't happen, opens up my understanding of the levels of grief I have been processing. It wasn't just the initial hurt - but all that echoed from there.

From what my father wasn't and who my mother wasn't and how my siblings didn't act - etc and then into what didn't happen for the past so many years.

All that I have missed.

A grief of what didn't happen.

 

 

 

 

Rethink.

Here is a link to a podcast I listened to with Adam Grant and his new book "Rethink" with Dax Shepard.

 

 

 

It is long, but interesting in how we as humanity engage with each other.

We all need to take a moment to consider just how much we know.

And, how much we don't know.

Imagine how much of life there is still to explore and learn about.

And, can anyone truly know it all.

Even when they act like they do.

 

He suggested that those on either ends of the spectrum of extremism know less - not more.  Which is what most of us know intuitively as we watch their lives play out.

 

Each of us act out our thoughts and even intelligence.

We are fond of saying "Who in their right mind would do such and such."

Believing that others see life through the same experiences as we do.

They don't.

We are all indoctrinated into life by our parents and what they believe and what their religion is - by where we live, what is the color our skin, male or female, and what social economic system we live in. And, there is more that teaches us subliminally by how others act in our circles.

There is a lot that was programmed into us without a thought.

I would love for all of us to be willing to Rethink.

 

I have been shown over the past many years how wrong I was. 

How wrong the messages I received growing up were wrong.

How wrong I saw the world, and others in it.

 

There is much we can all learn, if we Rethink.

 

Brene Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor

This is a self and world changing podcast by Brene Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor " The Body is not an Apology."  If we could get this, the rest would fall into place.

https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-sonya-renee-taylor-on-the-body-is-not-an-apology/

I will first write about this quote.

There was a quote that moved about on Social Media, that was credited by Brene Brown, when it was actually Sonya Renee Taylor's.

 

This idea is very thought producing.  Not only as the whole of the US society, but of our individual lives.

What I love about this idea is that what we have called normal, is often way off the mark.

It may have been normal for our families; but that doesn't mean that it was normal.

 

She is speaking about society at large; and yet the society is made up of individuals and individual families.

Each of us has the opportunity to stitch a new garment; "One that fits all of humanity and nature."

 

In my life, I was raised in a fundamental religion in a dysfunctional home. It was normal for me.

When I became aware of this - I knew that there needed to be many changes in my life, to reach close to normal.

 

What I also thought of, as some in our society are wanting less governing, less policing etc.  We are now discovering the dysfunction of our system. It is a time for more boundaries not less.

As I became aware of dysfunctional systems in play in my own life, I didn't want less restrictions, I wanted more.

I needed to create ways to rid my life of the things that were hurtful, disrespectful and those who felt they could do whatever they wanted to me.

I had to have a stricter policing of my life - not toss it all out.

 

To me, it would make more sense if the police policed each other.  If they stood up for stronger standards within their individual forces.  

 

And yet, we as people - fail to do this in our own lives; for a variety of reasons.  Yet we fail.

 

I lived in a family, where the two highest positions were not able to police themselves, in a manner that would keep children safe.  We needed a stronger policing force - someone who could see the dysfunction - and who would hold my parent's accountable.

In my own life, when I discovered my own abuse - and the systems I believed in where the abuse was allowed to flourish, I had to rethink and look closely at all I believed in.  And, I had to set new boundaries IN order to make it harder for an abuser to abuse.

 

I am not even certain I can get others to see what an opportunity we now have to change our societal tone. How it will be up to each of us, to clean, if you will, our own lives.  What do you stand for, who do you have power over and why?  How is equality divided up in your worlds? 

It is easy to sit and look "out there" and see all the injustices going on.

It is much harder to sit and see where you are unjust in your own world.

Who do you put higher on the ladder and who is lower?

 

We ask police systems to police their own. When there are many of us who cannot police their own lives.

How many allow bad behavior within their circles.  Who forgive, and forget. Who lower the standards for family - etc.  Accept, and even respect elders; for age sake, turning a blind eye to their poor behaviors.

And, even more - how well do we police our own self.

How much negative energies do you allow around you.

How much negative behavior do you dish out.

It is so easy to sit and be an armchair expert on society - but it takes deep commitment to clean up your own lives, body and spirit.

 

The self-cleaning that I had to do, began with me.

 

Back to the podcast that is on this post. I highly highly recommend listening to it and seeing how the ladder concept has influenced your world.  How you view yourself and your status in the world matters.  

Mostly, how you love who you are and how you see yourself on the ladder we call life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tim Ferriss Show

It always helps to hear others speak about their childhood abuse, the affects and what has been helpful. Yesterday I listened to Tim Ferriss Show Podcast.

Tim Ferriss Show

https://tim.blog/2020/09/14/how-to-heal-trauma/#more-52536

He affirmed much of what I know to be true, about how the body keeps the score, how you are dealing with the affects, whether consciously or not.

Our inability to feel that which was done to us, rides with us unexpressed.  It may come out in over the top rage at minor incidents and a multitude of expressions.

What he is learning and sharing will help many - for some of his modalities to healing are non-conventional.

 

He and Debbie Millman speak about being identified as a 'victim or survivor' and would rather not be put in a separate category in humanity.  

I get this. 

We just happen to be part of humanity who has experienced being hurt by the hands of another human.

We are not different than you.

We have experienced different than you.

 

The separating us, leaves us more ostracized and put aside.

And, rarely is the abuser scrutinized as we are. 

Rare is he/she cast aside as we often are.

 

He also has trouble with forgiveness.  He likes to see it as being less hateful.  Or that the power of rage has diminished.

I see it much more as accepting the past can be no different. That what happened - happened.  As an adult I now can chose with whom I will have relationships with.  

It never was helpful feeling to me to "forgive" in a way that would seemingly say, "It was okay" I forgive you.

 

It is interesting to me, how many of us who have experienced abuse have trouble with forgiveness. It makes total sense to me.  Our lives have been remarkably scarred by the event.  How we live, love and feel about ourselves is dramatically altered. 

 

It takes years of self inquiring, self introspection, and self awareness to even begin to begin to heal.

 

The work of a human to get ahead of the affects of abuse, is beyond what many may believe.

It is not as easy as forgive and move on.

Forgive and get back into the family etc.

 

You can do this - but the affects of abuse will not cease to exist.

Forgiveness does nothing to the wound of being abused sexually - young or old - it affects you very deeply.

I highly recommend this podcast and to read through his extensive list of books etc that may help you on your journey IF you have experienced sexual abuse.

 

 

 

 

 

You are Present

On Tim Ferris's podcast last week, there was talk about a Dead Time or Alive Time. This was pertaining to how we will spend our time during the Covid 19 virus.  

 

I see it as something that would be good for all time.

It is good to even understand that there is dead time, and then time that is alive.

And, can you tell the difference between time that is dead and then time that is alive.

 

Is it the time that is alive or dead, OR is it our souls our spirits the essence of who we are feeling alive or feeling dead?

 

During this virus crisis, I am not one who is at home, so my time is pretty much the same.  

I don't feel like time is dead or at a standstill.

If that were even possible to stop time.

 

I am wondering if time isn't dead; but we are dead to ourselves. To the part of us that makes us unique.  

There are moments when you feel more alive than dead.  Times when the inner most part of you feels alive - present and curious.

And then other times where that part of you is silent stifled and feels dead.

 

We join time.

Our being and time dance through the days.

 

I used to feel used by time.

That it somehow had its way with me.

 

What I didn't realize, was that I wasn't free to be me.

 

The freedom to be myself has given me Alive Days.

I am alive.

 

It maybe hard to articulate the dead days of following the rules and people pleasing of others.  How there were not very many instances where I sprung alive.

Now, it is the opposite.

 

Even when time is carved out for work. I can decide how I will engage in those hours. Will I numb myself in order to not see the time pass, OR will I be awake to see what pops up in front of me?

 

I hope that most everyone is finding themselves Alive.

For, we are in the midst of virus crisis, one where folks are dying.

If it isn't you at this time- feel what it feels like to be alive.

 

In the first few weeks of this Virus, I was in fear of it.

Or perhaps in fear of dying - that I stopped living.

 

I then decided quite matter of factly, that IF I was going to die from this virus, I best start living.  I want my last days to be alive days.  I want to be aware of what being alive feels like.

 

I didn't want my alive time to be full of worry, dread, and being dead inside with fear.

I will instead take the time to live.

 

I love that my life is full of alive times already.

 

Maybe Alive Days are days we feel alive inside and have nothing to do with time.

So, as this new virus integrates itself into our worlds, how will it find you?

 

I don't want have dead days before I die.

 

Maybe this virus is here to show us how to be alive.

What is important and how we join up with our time that we have today?

When we look back on this time, will we find that we Lived through it or did we hold our breath?  

 

The virus has us paying closer attention to many things.  It can be a great teacher if we let it.

 

For me, time and life feels more precious.  

I want to be alive through these days.  

And, I hope I appreciate the human interactions of touch and closeness so much more; now that it has been taken away.

 

I want to feel the aliveness of human connection.

Kisses of baby and their chubby parts.

Hugs of friends.

Touches of kindness.

A hand placed in understanding.

Gathering

Gathering

Togetherness.

 

The pause is here to allow us to catch our breath in order to live with more alive days!

Alive days now

During the threat of the virus.

And, 

After.

Live as if you might die; for we all are heading that way.

Time isn't dead or alive.

We are.

 

Live for the moments when time disappears and you are present.