IMPERFECT Lady

Circle of Abuse

"Rape culture is a sociological concept for a setting in which rape is pervasive and normalized due to societal attitudes about gender and sexuality."

 

What many fail to recognize is how their own upbringing is a contributing factor in how they perceive victims.  And, worse how they view rapists.

How they have been taught to look at the woman.

What was she wearing, what was she doing, what was her state of mind, is she promiscuous, etc.

The women are the first to go on trial in a rape case.

And, sadly even children victims are doubted in child sexual assault cases.

So many folks are unaware of their own direction of questioning in how it creates the landscape making it easy for rapist to move around, appearing 'normal' - rape culture. 

If you can muddy up and messy up the woman's character, you can make her appear worse than the rapist.  

You can make her appear mental, slutty, and discount the concepts of repressed memories, or trauma induced amnesia.  You can focus on her drunkenness and dress and make it appear that any man would be UNABLE to resist rape.

Really?

Part of the rape culture, is believing that men have no control over their own bodies, that women control their sexual urges.

Period.

That there are no men with common sense, and real character and morals and values. Men who find no pleasure in overpowering or even having relations with a woman who is unconscious, drunk etc.

There are many facets to how each of us contribute to the culture of rape, by how we respond.

In what direction do our thoughts and feelings flow.

My experience in talking about sexual abuse, is that it is quite rare for an abuser to admit it and very rare for the abuser to go unsupported.

For him to be cast out of the circle of his influence.

Instead, he has many making excuses, forgiving and forgetting, and rebuilding his character up around his crime.

Or, simply many who will not end their relationship with him, being a good friend, good son and daughter or a forgiving wife etc. 

It is rare that anyone holds him accountable.

The focus is misdirected to the victim and they will show evidence in how she carries the blame. Victim blaming is distorting the crime.

As a victim, I can see the culture more clearly based upon my own experience. Based upon who stood up for whom and how I was treated.

What is also hard to find is the piece of ground for commonality.

There truly are two sides. One victim blaming and shaming and the other holding the abuser/rapist accountable.

Can there be even a tiny place where we can all agree?

Perhaps that a crime was done.

But, until and unless you place the blame where the blame lies, you will not see a criminal.

You will see a friend, a cousin, a brother, a dad, a husband or wife. 

My other thought is, is it kinder to overlook and look around the flaws in someone's character that is capable of raping women?  

Is it kinder and more conducive to a family to overlook and forgive abuse?

Why is there a rape culture?

How did it ever make sense to support the man, no matter what?

Why was it easier to throw the woman under the bus, in order to keep the system going?

Here is another thought.

What is the cost of recognizing that your friend, father, or brother or husband IS a rapist.

What will it mean in to your world. To fully bring it in.

To drop all manner of pretense and just sit with the reality of his actions?

How much of what you have built up in life will now have to be re-examined.

How much of you would have to change to bring this in?

How many relationships would you lose if you supported victims?

What so many fail to realize is that each latest victim, just doesn't appear to be the one to support, perhaps next time. Perhaps she will be of great value, more valuable than the friendship or relationship or Faith.

Will there really ever be a time where the victim's life will mean more than yours?

Ever?

What I came to learn, was that until I was able to see and empathize with a victim, I too was unable to grant the rapist his true responsibility.

I didn't see me first as a victim.

I instead saw a child.

Then, I saw myself as a child.

And, then I saw victims.

And, with more horror, the Rape Culture.

Of the many who unwittingly are playing into the hands of rapists everywhere.

If this blog, could open one eye to see what they are doing, it would be worth it all.

My crying appeal, once I saw was " I See too Much".

Yet, reality and I were one.

I no longer will pretend to pretend to pretend.  

For it isn't kinder.

It is to be part of the rape culture.  

Part of the criminal circle of abuse.

 

Here is the link, that restarted the conversation about Ben Johnson - Convicted Rapist- registered sex offender.

https://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/crime/crime-and-courts/2018/12/20/cincinnati-cyclones-player-parole-sexually-assaulting-teen/2378474002/

 

 

Breakers to Bridge

It was a gorgeous sight that greeted us at the Houghton Breakwaters - the starting point of my latest challenge.

The Breakers to the Bridge - Paddle Festival 2018.

Julia's photo

Here are the three of us at the starting line!

We all travel over the same water and faced the same wind, but we were all in different boats or canoes, and we came with different body size, age and strength.

The sleekest boats being paddled by hardcore paddlers, disappeared around the bend and that was the last we saw of them until the finish line.

The sweep time to be at Hancock Beach was 3pm. That was our goal.

Judy's photo

And, we arrived just minutes before 1pm.  As the young guy who was helping out at this rest spot said, "You crushed it".  We did crush it.  We had paddled 7 miles into the headwinds and over rolling waters in just under 3 hours! 

I had said, "If I can make the beach, I am going for the bridge!" 

And, so we set out to complete our challenge.

The winds and waves became comical. I just couldn't believe we were going into such a force, a relentless never-ending blow!

I failed to capture the rolling lake.  It appears to be gentle waves and no wind.

We had to struggle to keep moving forward, hard strong strokes into the waves.

The bridge did come into view and it seemed to take a long time to actually reach the counting down clock.

My time was 3 hours, 57 minutes and 37 seconds...I may have the seconds off.  But, I arrived under 4 hours!  

I was near the bridge, I had made it. I was a finisher of the Breakers to Bridge!

We then still had to paddle down the canal to the finish line where we left our vehicles.

By then, I was done and done.  

But the wind wasn't done and the waters continued to churn, tossing us about as we paddled on.

 

What a welcome sight to see "Finish"! I was ready to be done.  

When you are paddling into strong winds, you can't just stop and rest. For over four hours we had paddled strong!

I felt the accomplishment. The goal was reached. I had done it!

There is no feeling like completing a challenge you set for yourself!

We made it!  It was a gorgeous day to put your muscles to the test and we did it.

I believe we rocked our age group!

This is a challenge I would do again.  In hopefully better winds.  It would be a gorgeous paddle, with the prevailing winds. 

My kayak did an awesome job in the wind and waves.

I am proud of all of us who paddled the 10 plus miles!

 

When you set yourself up for a challenge, it creates a growing point. A place where you are going to see just what you can do. What you can endure or how hard you can push.

In doing a challenge, you add to who you are.

You feel stronger and more confident to have "Finisher" added to your accomplishments.

It is also fun to do this as an 'older' lady. To be set with the younger ones and find out we can keep up.

In fact, we were not the last ones to finish. There were others behind us! And, a few who opted out at Hancock Beach.

It just feels good to know there are untapped limits to reach towards.

Life becomes interesting, the more challenges you give yourself!

Feeling like a badass finisher!

 

Until you are Perfect!

Here is what I noticed, it doesn't take perfection and you will still be successful.

We all want to wait until.

I am not sure who we expect will bring Until to us, but we do have this idea about so many things.

I can't ski until I am thinner, fitter, have the right outfit, am not scared of the hills, will be assured I won't fall, its warmer, colder, I have a friend, etc.

I am here to tell you that I am the most imperfect perfect skier!

I don't fit the image of many skiers. Sleek, fit and fast with graceful agility to navigate the trails like the wind.

I call myself a badass for falling at the end of the hill to stop.  I made it, and am proud to have done so.

I am larger than most...and yet my largeness does not stop my legs from skiing!

I am weaker than most, but gaining strength each time I head out.

I am more timid and worried about the next hill; but I am brave enough to face it.

I love that I don't fit the image of a skier, but skiing is what I do.

I find the same on the bike. 

I believe, that I am the one who will cancel out your excuses.

I am older, with arthritic joints, heavy, and on the spectrum of getting into shape.

I started out from the couch. Literally.

Okay, I did have the past practice of yoga that had kept my body limber and somewhat strong.  But, I had lost a lot of my ability or maybe endurance, for outdoor movement. And, I had very limited confidence in being able to navigate hiking trails, hills on the bike as well as big miles, and then cross country skiing with hills etc.

It was as if I was doing it again for the first time, but this time with a challenging body.

Weight, age and body ailments were just a few of my hurdles.  My comfortable seeking mind, wasn't often eager to try and regain my youthful movements.

So I started with and pretty much still maintain a body that appears very non-athletic.

I feel I am the poster child (Lady) for the out of shape - yet I moving around like a fit person.

The oddity on the trail!

I love that I am the imperfectly perfect skier, snowshoer, biker and hiker.  And, I hope that my daring to step into a realm that is usually only for the fit, will encourage other imperfectly perfect ladies to join me!

It is not about perfection.  My body moves just like theirs.

What I even love more, is that I am okay with me. That it doesn't bother me at all, how I look as I am enjoying moving in nature. I feel that I have the freedom of the old, before I am really old!

And, sometimes it makes me giggle. The images of how I must look when I on my back, skis in the air as I try and to get my skis off so I can get up. And, all I am really concerned about is getting back on my feet and back skiing.  How I move like an old lady, while feeling young at heart!

I truly hope I inspire others whose minds have them waiting for Until. To let that go and just do it.

Let's fill the trails with our perfectly imperfect bodies! It feels badass to go against the norms, to dare and not fit in.

It truly is a shame, we believe the ideas of Until.  That it stops us from enjoying life to its fullest.  

The more successful I am at each new outdoor sport, the less I notice my body and the more I concentrate on learning a new skill.  And, with each new skill comes a rise in my esteem!

I hope that I will begin to see more and more imperfectly perfect ladies (and guys) out enjoying the trails. The trails don't care.  And nature surely doesn't.  

Let's not wait until.

For I am sure, that we die waiting for until. That life and adventure are with those who don't care!

I wish I could share what it feels like to not care, oh the freedom it brings.  And, it allows you to enjoy the scenery and breathe the fresh air.

We each get to represent a certain person and be that on the trail.

It will encourage others to just be themselves and have fun!

It is so much less stressful being the imperfect one!  Everything goes and there are no rules! What is not to love?

What happened one day on the trail, was I thought I am 'good enough' to be here. 

So, what had to have been a previous thought, is that I wasn't good enough, fit enough, or athletic enough.  That I would have not fit in.

Now, I feel like I belong on the trail. That I am allowed to be there. I am accepted.

When, actually I have accepted myself exactly as I am. And, in doing so I fit in everywhere. It never was the expectations of others or whether the trail fit me.  It was all about how I saw myself, and where I was good enough to be.

While I thought it took strength to be active, I am thinking it takes self-acceptance and love, equally.  You have to believe you are worthy of joy, play and new adventures!

My heart is happy and filled with love, peace and joy - so there is no where I don't fit!

If I had a wish, it would be that all could feel the freedom of self-acceptance. 

That is so deep, you see the trail, the skis and and feel the experience, before even one thought enters about how you look.

And, when you think of you you smile...loving your imperfect perfect self!

The greatest tragedy is to wait until you are perfect!

 

(This quilt should be titled - "Hairpin"!)

 

I will Dare!

Dare is my word for the year.  I wanted to dare myself to expand my life.  Being brave instead of being safe or maybe comfortable is a better word.  Fear seems to be the starting point to brave, and then I have to dare to begin.

I looked up the definition.

Dare - "Have the courage to do something. Defy or challenge someone to do something."

"To have enough courage or confidence to do something: To not be too afraid to do something. To do something that is difficult that people are usually afraid to do."

Having the courage to DO something, is often where life gets stalled.  Where it is easier to stay on the same trail, going around and around, instead of seeing what happens when you do the Hairpin Trail.

My biggest fear, was falling.

Being out of control.

Getting hurt.

My body isn't comfortable with steep hills and that have sharp turns at the bottom, or the aptly named trail - Hairpin.

I walked down the first hill, so I could see what was beyond it, and then put my skis back on.

It was fast, very fast.  I was in the groomed tracks. I was in fear and going fast.  Not knowing how this ride would end. Could I stay in the tracks going so fast.  Or more could I stay on my feet!

You are very present when in fear. There isn't time for future worries or past reflections. You are there.  Speeding down with the hair being blown back, eyes watering, skis singing as they speed over the snow!  Oh, and in my case, poles frantically dragging, trying to slow me down.

As I approached the bottom, with the hairpin in my sights, I saw in an instant that the tracks disappeared into a banked curve of just snow.  I literally dropped to a squat and fell. I was done.  I was at the bottom! I wasn't injured...I had dared!

I dared to put myself outside of my comfort zone, and skill set. 

I am not sure the hairpin will ever be part of my usual ski, but it taught me that I can do that which I feared.

We then had to climb back up.  Uphills are as trying for me as down, and I have fallen more going up, than down.  With a bit of fear in me, we ascended. I made it with zero falls.

The purposeful fall, is my way of controlling myself.  Perhaps bringing back control when out of control.  I bet we can purposefully Fall, when life gets out of hand. 

When you add daring to your life, you bring in excitement and a new level of achievement, self-growth and esteem. You move yourself ahead into new territory.

The long glides of no hills or very gentle hills are my favorite part of skiing, the meditative slow pace.  

But, my blood and person comes alive on the hairpin turns!

I also believe that we mistakenly call being comfortable the goal in life. That we succeed where our lives are routine and assured.

However, if we do not dare, our lives will become bland.

I am sure at some point, our bodies will not allow much daring to go on; but while I can, I will Dare!