IMPERFECT Lady

A Stress Gatherer

I had a conversation with a woman who does massages, and she shared that sometimes while massaging a body, it will release sorrow.  She also knows that there are oils that will help the body release emotional stress from the body.

 

I had wondered out loud, how that would be to have the body release things without the self knowing the story or history of the stress….like crying for no reason.

 

This reminded me of how I had cried for hours while driving home from Green Bay the summer before my father's secret became known.  How I had no reason in the world to cry, yet cry I did.  And it wasn't just silent tears flowing, but racking sobs.  Yet in my head or thoughts, nothing was there to support the sorrow.

 

If my father's story hadn't come forth, I would have just had this mysterious event, isolated from my 'normal' life an oddity…sorrow out of nowhere and attached to nothing, a rogue wave of immense sorrow...leaving my body.

 

Now that I know my history, it does makes sense.  

 

That leaves me to wonder about making the body cry or releasing sorrow without knowing why, without the background story?

Will the body be less stressed?  Or will the crying jag make you wonder where the unease comes from?

Very interesting to me to hear the body can release without the mind or consciousness knowing the cause.

 

In yoga, often times when my body is particularly sore or perhaps even after going deep into postures, I will express tears.

Yet, I know that I have had childhood sexual abuse, that is my root and it is lodged in the cells of my body…so it makes sense for me.

 

To me, it just seems better knowing what you are crying about…than to release tears in the body without knowing why.

 

If I had just released in the body, my body would continue to gather stress as I continued with my old life.  For I would have been in the same dysfunctional relationships, operating with the same thoughts and beliefs that grew from dysfunction. So, while a massage can rid the body of stress, it can't stop the body from going back and gathering more stress for there is no new awareness.

 

Perhaps massage, oils, and yoga is best used when you know your root source…when you are discovering your history.

 

Otherwise you again, are crying for no reason….at least no reason that you know of.

 

And if you don't know what you are doing to cause stress in your body, you will continue to be the stress magnet and the massages will be endless.

 

Getting down to the root source, to me, is the only way to stop being a stress gatherer.

 

 

Taking care of myself.

It is disheartening to feel and watch my body in yoga after a couple month break.  In places where I used to be able to easily touch my toes, I have to strain, stretch, breathe and hold on, barely.  

Today was my second day and the postures seemed just a bit less brutal, and I had regained a little of my flexibility...I felt kinder to me, less annoyed with the lapse I let go by.

The path forward I have traveled before, so I know I can reach places that now are just a memory, but with consistency it can be done AND it is all up to me.

I have to make the effort, plan the time out, put it on the list.

I fell away from the routine, and got sloppy with my time, and my body paid the price.  

With the repetitive nature of my job, sorting mail and putting it in boxes, my arms, neck and shoulders tighten up in muscle knots.  My legs and lower back pay the price as well for either standing all morning or sitting all afternoon.  By the end of the day without yoga I am ouchy.

What surprises me is that I know the cost of not doing yoga, yet I drag my butt getting to the mat.  I feel better doing yoga, yet I don't eagerly run to do it each day.

It was good to see myself in the mirror taking care of myself...

An Old Friend I outgrew.

I went and did yoga this morning, and it felt sooo good.  My body yearns to be stretched, my neck and jaw are so tight, that I could stay much longer in the postures that are pulling on those muscles.  My arms also are sorely in need of being put in awkward positions as to stretch the bunched up overworked muscles always going in one direction.

 As I work sorting mail my left arm is bent to hold a pile of mail, this arm was painfully stretched out and that felt so good.

Towards the end of my hour and a half routine, it came to me that my programmed self needs a body that is sluggish and asleep, in order to pull a quick one on me time and time again. 

So, there has been a struggle within me, as my awareness becomes more aware, the odd twist between my ‘treats’ and how they feel are coming to light, and their gig is up. 

I believe that the more brainwashed you are and the more confused you are about what feels good and what is bad…the more you need to have a shut down body.

Perhaps a clear mind starts to crave foods that will help the body be a clear signal reader too. 

I just feel that the mindset I had matched the shutdown foods that I ate.  They swayed in harmony together, holding each other up. 

Yoga is a health food in my day; and I don’t like the way my body feels when it misses this.

It also came to me while mowing the grass…We never ‘miss’ a sweet treat, or short ourselves on chocolate, or cheat and only eat a half a candy, but when doing yoga, I am tempted to stop early or doing anything that is truly good, we tend to slough off…but the old reliable bad stuff we are faithful to.

Just interesting to notice where we cut corners and when we take more than our fair share.

Perhaps soon I will be a yoga hog and glutton when it comes to fresh fruits and veggies and my old sweet treats will become an old friend I outgrew.

 

Programmed self.

Sometimes I sit here aghast at the programming that runs within me and wondering how much of it is left running, when will I uproot the last thread.

 

It is hard to believe that each and every thing we do is for a reason, it has a belief attached to it, an ironclad will that has been laced through the middle…and we have to destroy it or it will destroy us.

 

It is like having an enemy’s mind living in our cells.

 

I have been putting off having a sweet treat for a few hours to regain control of my craving button.  Usually, the button goes off and I run to find what it craves. 

 

I am coming to learn that I will not die or go crazy without it, and that the whining subsides and the mind goes on to something else.  It is talking back to the control or putting it on pause that I believe will eventually give me back my power.

 

This programmed system that has been running my life is more than the abuse and the church, for both also imprinted on me that bad was good and good was bad, that self loving was bad, and neglect was good, that feeling wretched was good and feeling good was bad.

 

Which is why it is so hard to get one clear precise belief on any one thing, for my major CPU reads bad good and good bad.

 

Even if my mind knows best, my operating system discerns the opposite. 

Just as foreign as I seem to my family, which is what a veggie treat feels like to my body.  Or my actions of yoga compared to actions of co-dependency my family of origin is used to. They want to feed upon me, not have me be my own self.

 

I am not certain I can articulate this correctly, but me doing good for me feels bad for them.  And me doing good for me feels bad for my programmed old self.

 

What is good for my programmed self will destroy my real self.

 

What is bad for the programmed self is good for me.

 

I am getting the twist and seeing that it is normal to feel the angst and stress and force it takes to wrestle back our rightful feelings, to unhook and rehook them onto the right feelings.

 

I was programmed to feel bad when I should have felt good and visa versa.

 

Incredible that the feelings are in sync with messed up mind.

 

I knew it wasn’t just that there was a belief that was running along un-questioned, but that the feelings were messed up too.

 

My body was programmed feel the opposite.

 

Programmed feelings instead of having natural ones.

My programmed self loves sweet treats, I feel like I am getting something good, when I am really feeding myself something that has no value.

 

Imagine, my treats are getting something of no value.

 

Very interesting to watch what your programmed to like and do and to explore deeper and see what is going on behind the façade.

 

Within my childhood religion, the same dynamics were going on.  The sins were for the programmed person, not the real self, in fact what is a sin for the programmed person most likely was good for me.

 

To take back ownership of my body.

To not bless away others actions.

To question all things and not just follow submissively.

To seek my own relationship with God.

 

Interesting to see what is programmed into you and then learn how to de-program it.  Mostly by doing the opposite of your childhood...you will find your way out of the programmed self.

 

All the wrong reasons...

It is so very curious to me why I slip back into the sluggish life of no yoga, to allow my joints to become painful, my muscles slack, my hips to stiffen up so I waddle?

 

How is it that when I know what to do to keep my body feeling ache free, I don’t do it?  Why do I have to wait until I hurt to do something good for me?  Why can’t I serve this good portion of life to me each day and eagerly and selfishly take it?

 

The good things in life are not something I thirst for, instead I feel like it is ‘better’ to skip it, to just snuggle longer or not put my body through that routine.  Like I am getting away with something, that I am being rewarded for Not doing it, when the opposite is true.  I am hurting myself by not taking care of myself. 

 

There is a long held belief that by not doing something I am cheating something or somebody, but not myself.  How is this possible?  Like I am getting away with something, but what?

 

All I am getting away with is a ouchy body…I am not stealing healthy or fitness, I am stealing lazy.

 

Just as with yoga I am the same with sugar or sweet treats.  I think I am sneaking in this ‘goodness’ but what I am stealing is bad for me.

 

Isn’t it odd that I feel I am gaining something good, when in fact I am serving me poorly?

 

And when I was doing yoga daily, taking care of my self, it felt like I was going against the grain, swimming against the currents, pushing hard instead of going with the flow.

 

It is like I am programmed to swim in the wrong direction, that it is easier for me to not care.

 

To re-program myself, I will have to do what doesn’t come natural, until I forge a new natural.

 

It just seems so counter intuitive to want to treat your self poorly…that doesn’t make sense.  To WANT what isn’t good and force yourself to do what is, like taking medicine swallowing it reluctantly.

 

You would think that we would crave that which makes us feel best, the greatest of natural foods and then movement that will make our bodies operate at their optimum…instead it seems we are hell bent on wrecking it.

 

Wrecking our bodies, our spirits, our minds, our relationships…like we have a wrecking gene we need to destroy before it destroys us.

 

I just get so befuddled by this, how unnatural us human beings are.  We are living for all the wrong reasons.

 

 

Many years of pain.

Yoga is the opposite of junk food for the soul and when done, I get left with a wonderful feeling, a relaxed stretched out calmness…a great way to begin my day.

 

What I marvel at is that I drag my body to the mat, I slowly exit the bed, and begrudgingly tossing the quilt aside, I almost angrily put the heater going, like preparing for my death or torture. 

 

And it is torture to take this neglected body and bring it back to life, to make the muscles strong, as they should be, or the joints as flexible and mobile as is their nature.

 

I have noticed in the past few months, when I have been doing just a few yoga sessions a week, that I have fallen backwards in how my body moves.

 

I can see how we become stiff and weak.  It is by far easier to stay beneath the covers and not make the effort.  But we will have pain either way… as Bikram says, “90 minutes or 90 years.”

 

By making the difficult choice of getting out of bed, I struggle or suffer for 90 minutes and that will save me many years of pain. 

 

I faded

It is so easy to fall out of sight of your self, to disappear and only catch fleeting glimpses through out the day.  It is amazingly easy to not see and pay attention to your inner world and to be present and aware to all things.

 

When I did yoga each morning I was with myself for an hour and a half.  I was with each breath and focused on my body, and when I stopped doing yoga, I spend very little time paying attention to me.

 

I miss being with me in such a concentrated healthy way, watching my body become stronger and more flexible, being with the emotions that seemed to flow from my muscles, to gaining balance inside and out.

 

It has been good as well to see how I seem to disappear from my self while being here, how I can lose sight of my wellness and get lazy…fall back into a sea of apathy.

 

It’s easier to do nothing…

 

It takes time, effort and its much more difficult to be on task of being the caretaker of you.

 

You have to carve up your time each day making sure you take a good chunk for yourself.

 

I used to do this right away each morning, starting out my day with me in focus, and that set the tone for the rest of the day.

 

I would then have my best interest front and center.

 

I am toying with the idea of getting back into the demanding routine of daily yoga.  Perhaps taking one day off each week.

 

By doing this all things in my life go better; I move better, feel better, sleep better, am much more alert, aware and see clearer…and I am lonesome for that self.

 

I allowed my self to start fading away, to drift along in the sea of life without really paying attention to where I am going.

 

Yoga brings me back to me and I feel a greater connection to the Universe…

 

The wise people are right, you do get what you focus on.

 

I was not focusing on me and I faded.

 

Life Unfolds.

Well, I quit the yoga challenge. It became more about the numbers and less about me, somehow I got lost behind the counting, the doing and forgot about me.

The me that needs the yoga, my body, mind and soul. I forgot to view this from me; instead I was outside of me doing the yoga.

It was a step ahead of me and I was nowhere in yoga.

I have taken a few days off, to cleanse myself from the doing of a challenge to get back into being a lady whose body loves yoga.

Whose body needs the yoga to feel flexible and strong, whose mind opens and breathes, and my life has a balance with yoga.

It is about me and yoga, not yoga and me.

This is true in all levels of my life.

I am not sure if I can explain this correctly, but in the past all that I did created who I was, without doing I was nothing.

I was defined daily by what I did, the doings created me.

What I have now discovered is if I do something for reasons that are not birthed within me, I am lost from my life and in some foreign land most likely called your business.

I believe that when my daughter’s life was in crisis, I hopped out of mine and into hers and it way threw off my balance. And during this time the yoga challenge beckoned me daily to join it, no matter my inner state of being.

One thing led to another and it led me away from me.

I had fallen out of my life.

Now I am gathering me back to me.
Letting my daughter have her life, her choices, her responsibilities and at the same time refocusing on regaining the balance within me.

I know that my body and my day run better when I take the time at the top of the morning and breathe and work my body.

I know that I feel best when I stay in my life and live from the inside out.

I will selfishly bring me to my life and I will selfishly bring me to yoga.

I arrive and life unfolds.

Who has Control?

My expectations of the New Year aren’t about the New Year but rather about me.

The New Year is neutral, a pile of days linked together, and many hours in which we live our lives.

What we do within those hours is how our year will unfold, or more importantly how we will emerge on the other end.

I went back on my blog and read some of my entries in January 2010, the beginning of my first 60-day Yoga challenge.

It was incredible to read about the beginnings of my year doing yoga.

Below is a section I quoted from Bikram’s book, and it shows the reality of what we are up against when we strive to make changes in our lives, what we are battling is gaining control over the mind.

“Without control of mind, you can do nothing. You have something, but you don’t know how to use it. The greatest challenge we face as human beings is controlling and properly using our own minds.

The mind is the communications system between the physical body and the Soul or Spirit; its primary responsibilities are to control the body and supply the Spirit with immediate and exact information. When the mind instead gives distracted and wrong information, the Spirit cannot govern properly – in fact, it cannot assume control at all. The ego-driven mind has had to rule for itself, and now it does not want to give up its ultimate authority over your life. This is a bitter, perverse fact about human beings, but it is the truth.

Without proper training, the mind will continue to give you the wrong information and divert your focus from your Spiritual goals. The way it does that so successfully is with fear and desire – its primary weapons. Like a drug dealer, the mind gets addicted to these two opposite but conjoined emotions, and when we are constantly reacting to our attractions and aversions to people, things and situations, we can’t see what really is and reopen the channels of our true Self, the Spirit. That’s why I say that the mind has become our worst enemy.

To overcome this will not be easy. The weak mind is ever growing, constantly feeding on your fears and negative habits. And as my Guru taught me, the natural human attraction to something negative is NINE TIMES more powerful than our gravitational pull to toward the positive- another inconvenient fact.”
Bikram

So if you are endeavoring to make changes in your life this upcoming year, please take note, that what you will be going against is a very powerful pull, 9 times stronger than your thought of change.

Say your desire is to stop eating sweets; you will have the power to eat sweets 9 times stronger.

And if your desire is to exercise or do yoga each day, you will be fighting a powerful pull 9 times stronger to stay in bed, lay on the couch, and do nothing.

What I am most impressed with as I look back upon my year of doing yoga (332 out of the 365) is the sheer effort was exerted in getting to the mat.
Even though the actual 90 minutes of yoga is rough, it is nothing compared to the struggle to begin.

The real battle is not in the actual doing; it is in the seconds or minutes prior to the event.

The fight ensues in the actual debate about whether you are going to abstain or succumb.

To do or not to do is the where the war is fought.

It isn’t about the sweets, the beer or the exercise; it is about the seconds of power right before, the space before doing or not doing.

It is on that edge of time, that second where your life is determined, who has control?

I Can

As I look backwards on this year I am happy with the way that I stayed the course in yoga, by not succumbing to the voice that wanted me to give it up.

Between the voice and the lazy feelings that would sometimes overwhelm me, I stayed the course for the greater balance of the year, and I am proud of that.

What I intended when I began was to take better care of myself, to do something that would begin a change and to do it for 60 days.

The sixty days turned into 120, than 180 and then 240, it was then I faltered a bit and began missing a few days.

Yet even in the last month, I have done more yoga than not.

Tomorrow is the last day of the year, and the tally stands at 331 days of yoga done, (after I do today’s, which I best get going on soon) and 33 days no yoga.

I am feeling it was a successful yoga year.

A year of not listening to the voice and feelings that would have me believe, I can’t.

Learning to overcome the voice by doing, and changing the tone to I can.